Month: April 2018

In a little over an hour what was one of the most extraordinary dates of my entire life will be upon me.  It should be Hayley’s 20th Birthday.  But instead it will be a painful, brutal and in your face reminder of what is missing in my life.  I am typing through a cloud of tears.  I have been at the beach since Wednesday and barely cried.  But now that the actually turning of the clock is here I am getting more and more agitated.  Scott saw it.  He can’t handle it.  I feel like I am going to break into a million pieces at midnight.  The only thing keeping the pieces together is the overwhelming support I am receiving from everyone else.  My cousin and her daughter are here to keep a piece together.  Tomorrow my longest friend, Sara will drive almost 3 hours to be here just for the day and to hold another piece.  My brother, sister in law and two nieces will also make the drive for the day to hold their piece.  There are so many of you thinking of us and you are holding the rest of the pieces.

My greatest fear is that it won’t be enough.  How do I survive the date I became a mother without the child that made that happen.  April 29, 1998 at 3:30 p.m.  Hayley Storm McCutcheon entered this world and turned my world upside down.  She brought the sunshine into my life.  Almost 4 years to the day Henry completed my universe.  I had my sun and my moon.  I cannot understand how the world keeps turning without Hayley.  As I have walked on the beach I have felt her. I can imagine her coming in to my bed at midnight like she does every single year.  She would crawl up next to me and say “guess what day it is?”.  I would say “I don’t know, Sunday?”.  And it would go on until I hugged her, said Happy Birthday, I love you more.  Just more.

I would have to wait until she finally went to bed to pull out the balloons I would leave outside her door.  She knew they would be there every year and she would come out of her room with a huge smile when she saw her balloons.  The fact that I would have to wait until she was asleep and pretend she didn’t know always made me happy.  I would have carefully picked a present, ordered or made her a cake per her instructions and we would have the day scheduled down to the time we would go to dinner at either Stan’s BBQ or most years, Golden Chop Stix at Redmond Town Center.  We always sat at the same table.  She often had a friend or two with us.  She lived for tradition.  Will I ever sit at that table again.  I wonder if the owner has noticed our absence.

My favorite year, was the year of the necklace.  This year I decided Scott needed to be more involved.  I gave him very specific instructions to walk to Bellevue Square from his office and pick out a necklace for her that would be just from him.  I gave him suggestions of where to go.  I even sent him about 6 different options that she would like.  He chose to ignore all of that and go to Brass Plum at Nordstroms.  He probably stopped someone and asked where in the store do I buy a necklace for my 15 year old daughter.  Well he brought it with the silver bow on the box to dinner.  She opened the box and the look on her face was priceless.  Her friend and I knew immediately what she thought of it.  She quickly hid her disdain and said how much she loved it.  But the damage was done, he knew she hated it.  I can’t blame her it was an ugly ass necklace.  It actually had feathers.  We all cracked up at the same time including Hayley.  It was so funny she told him she would treasure it always but not actually wear it.  I wonder where it is now.

You know it is just a date now.  It’s not a birthday.  A birthday requires that the person be present and turn a year older.  That is what we celebrate.  Instead it will just be the date I gave birth to a perfect baby girl.  But the date seems to hold so much power over me.  I can only hope that the pieces will hold together for the next 24 hours.  How will I feel on April 30th?  Will I be relieved.  Will I feel guilty if I am relieved it is over or will I just move onto the countdown to the next big milestone.  Our lives revolve around time and dates.  I wish for just the next 24 hours that time could be more fluid that I wouldn’t need to watch the time and count the minutes until 3:30 and beyond.  Our lives are just dates lined up waiting to happen.  When you are faced with unimaginable grief, dates become your enemy.

Being at the ocean this weekend is soothing.  As I sat today and watched the ocean I thought it really doesn’t matter if the day was April 28th or a Saturday.  The tide keeps going in and out every single day.  The tide does not care if it is a Saturday or a Thursday.  Those are just labels humans gave the cycles of time.  Sunday is not tangible, you can’t see it or touch it.  How do I take its power away?  Will I miss her more because it is April 29th?  Will it hurt more?  Only if I give it the power.  I wish that I could at this very moment figure out how to take the power away from a date.  But I can’t.  The tide will still be low at 6:30 am and high at noon.  At 3:30 it will be half way, not in and not out.  I feel like my grief is like the tides.  It rushes in and it slowly backs away.  The only thing I can count on is that the tide will continue until I take my last breath.  At this point I have no solution or answers.  The date is going to roll around in 45 minutes.  I can’t control it.  I can only try desperately to control my reaction to it.  Can I rise to the occasion and celebrate what was, who she was versus mourning what is missing.  Do I have the strength?  Will this be the date I finally shatter?  Only time will tell.

It has been 10 days since I posted.  As April 29th approaches I am barely hanging on.  This makes it hard to write but it also makes it more crucial that I do write.  Writing keeps me sane.  April 29th along with May 8th are the two most important dates in my entire life.  Hayley and Henry’s birthdays.  I loved having them so close together.  When they were little we even had a couple of big joint birthday parties because Hayley’s friends were Henry’s friends.  They let him follow them around and always did a great job including him.  Although sometimes that resulted in excellent blackmail photography like the time she dressed him one by one in each of her dance costumes and haw him pose appropriately.  He had so much fun.  Anytime he had attention from her, he was a happy kid.  He was her shadow.  That boy sat through so many dance recitals and dance competitions it might be considered child abuse.  He even took a class one year and had his own recital performance.  Like many activities Henry does, he tries it once and then is done.  He said “I like to try different things and that wasn’t my thing.  I just wanted to see why she likes it”.

Once April started, the birthday talk was on.  She loved celebrating birthdays.  Her own was her favorite!  She loved it more than Christmas.  April was when I had to start planning parties for both kids and brainstorm with Scott the perfect present.  I thrived on creating birthday memories for both kids.  There was the Bellevue Westin surprise shopping, movie, dinner and sleepover party.  There was the epic carnival themed party at Beaver Lake that we invited Henry’s entire class for.  Hayley’s friends manned the different booths and activities.  There was the surprise joint Disneyland trip.  There was the car on the 16th birthday.  That is only some of her celebrations.  Do you know why I did it every single year?  Because she never took it for granted.   She never acted spoiled.  This made spoiling her a true joy.  She would tell Henry her birthday went from the 29th until his on the 8th, it was a birthday week.  She would wave her hand and say “you can have any days you want after that but you have to share it with Mom, mother’s day”.

Last year her first college birthday fell on a Saturday.  She was so happy about being home for her birthday.  I think she expected a marching band to greet her in front of the house when she drove in on Friday.  Her smile always sparkled on her birthday.  She wanted a homemade cake most years but as she got older it was only a Safeway cake that would do.  She wanted a plain cake for her 18th birthday.  I didn’t listen, I ordered a Monster University cake.  Cute right?  She was going to college.  OMG, she pitched a fit in Safeway.  I have never been so shocked to see bratty behavior.  Evidently I should have listened.  After I calmed down I took the cake back to the bakery and begged them to make it generic.  We pulled Sully and Mike off the cake.  I did put them on the counter to remind her how insane she acted over a cake!  I didn’t realize that 18 was time for adult cakes not kid cakes.  I was in denial.

My nightmares have become more frequent.  They happen during the day too.  Something will click and a memory will start to play on repeat until I am a puddle of tears.  The worst are of the night I saw her die.  The most annoying has been the brain worm of a song she would sing to me.  If she caught me dressing she would sing “do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro…” you know the tune.  It is then stuck the rest of the day.  She thought this was hysterical and would not stop until I reminded her that it was her fault since she breast fed for 2 years.  For some reason she loved this, she seem to feel proud and connected to me.

April has been incredibly eventful.  Some things are too new to write about.  But it is that date slowly approaching that has me in a sweat dripping panic.  I used to love April.  Now each and every day that goes by is a slow walk through hell.  When I became close to one of my best friends who had lost her daughter when the girls were 6 I asked her how did it feel.  She would always say “a slow walk through hell”.  14 years later and she is still walking that path.

In addition to the vivid memories and the deep aching pain, the anger has also been an issue this month.  Anger at the people that made her feel her body was not good enough.  Anger at the adults that did not protect her from those people.  I am furious when I hear those people say that the high school is a safe and loving place for students.  I call bullshit.  When I see a “Wolf Strong Pack Strong” sticker I want to vomit.  I am angry at the doctors that caused the issue, the ones that couldn’t diagnose it and the ones that told us she was gone with little or no emotion.  I am angry at all of them.  They destroyed my world.  But most of all I am angry at myself for not saving her, for not doing enough to save her.  I was her advocate and I failed.

The battle is real, it continues.  There is no timeline for grief.  I wish there was.  I wish it was like recovering from an accident.  A predictable recovery.  It is not.  It is unpredictable, brutal, soul crushing, painful, exhausting and never ending.  Most decisions are made at the last minute and I usually change my mind at least 3 times.  We decided this last few days to go to Seabrook on the Washington Coast.  Hayley lived for the ocean.  I am hoping that being there will bring even a small speck of calm and peace.  I convinced or bullied, kind of the same thing to me, my cousin into flying up from Vegas to spend the weekend with us.  My brother, sister in law and nieces will also come for the day.  We plan on releasing lanterns on the beach that night.  There will be a cake but she will not be there to blow out the candles.

 

What is that phrase… April Rains bring May showers?  Yeah, not here.  It has rained and rained.  What it has brought me is filthy floors from a dog that loves to be out in the rain and dig in the mud.  Get a golden retriever they said, it will be good for you they said.  So much this month.  We started a bathroom remodel.  We had leaks a long time ago in our master bathroom so it was time to rip somethings out and make sure it was all okay, so might as well remodel.  That logic makes sense right.  Well being that I lack strong cognitive skills right now I didn’t really sit down and calculate how much it would cost.  Uh oh, is right.  It is the one room money pit.   How can a room that is 12 feet by 11 feet cost this much to put back together.  Today, day 3, was the day of the flooding.  Evidently the builder used cheap ass plastic pipes that are brittle and break easily.  While we were out the poor contractor dealt with the first flood when a fluke accident had his hanging light fall and shear off a pipe.  Every towel in my house was used.  Then when we were home, it happen two more times.  So we are without water for the night.  The boys just keep pissing in the backyard which is not making me happy.  I have to fill the toilet tank with jugs of water.  I have stopped all liquids and solid foods for the evening.  I was so agitated by 7 o’clock I had a xanax for dinner.  I now have a better understanding of friends that have remodeled.  I can’t imagine doing more than a bathroom.  Plus I am the designer for the project and the general contractor.  No pressure.  Add that Scott is one of my “subs” and we are going to be in for a lot of refills this month.

It is national donor awareness month.  Seems appropriate since Hayley’s birthday is the 29th.  Friday is green and blue day.  Wear the colors and if possible tag me in a photo using #donatelife and #belikehayley.  As soon as April hit my anxiety has climbed.  Birthdays are a big deal in our house.  She would begin planning her birthday back in February!  Hayley loved her birthday more than Christmas.  I threw the best birthday parties.  I loved every minute of the planning and the execution.  I loved the gift shopping.  I strived to find something she had not asked for but would love.  I don’t have that to do right now.  It is brutal.  When does it get easier?

We accomplished a big milestone last weekend.  We traded Hayley’s car in for a car for Henry.  He didn’t want to drive HER car.  I get it, but it was so hard not to have it in the driveway.  That was her baby.  She loved having her squad in her car and it was her means to get back and forth from school to see me.  This was the most difficult thing for Scott so far.  For me there was also some relief.  Every time I would drive into the driveway, which is several times a day, I would see the car and have this fraction of a second of “Hayley’s home”!  It was fleeting but it still happen nearly every time.  I was always so happy to see that car.  Now I see a car that reminds me of Henry and his big milestone coming up without his sister.  The same week she would have been 20 he will be 16 without her.  He is hurting.  He has been for 8 months, but it is starting to show.  He sleeps a lot and school is becoming a challenge.  This afternoon he gave me a wonderful gift.  He took a nap on the couch with his head on a pillow in my lap.  I napped too with my hand resting on his head.  What a treat!  He is almost 16 and I know that these moments will be rare.  I even had to pee but I held it until he woke up because I wasn’t going to miss a minute.

Today we went to Olympia for an awards ceremony for donor families.  I have been excited about it because any opportunity to honor her memory is a good day for me.   I thought it would be great to be with “my people”.  Everyone there has experienced the same pain I have.  But there is where it went wrong for me.  There were about 80-100 people in a formal room in our beautiful capital building.  The chairs were tight so we were all sitting arm to arm, butt to butt.  What was I thinking?  Yes, being honored by the Governor is thoughtful and appreciated.  Being in a room with 100 people that also loved and lost in the last year is very intense.  Governor Inslee was very authentic and sincere.  His own son recently was the recipient of a cornea transplant.  After they read the names of all 120 people that have been organ donors in the past year in Washington state.  Every name has a story.  Every name has a family.  My grief is so overwhelming and invades every breath that I have become so self centered.  I feel as if I am the only one hurting this much.  I feel I lost the most.  I lost my best friend, no one could possible understand how I battle each and every single day.  I realized at that moment how egocentric I have been.  Because those people in that room, they get it.  I got more agitated as the names were read.  Sometimes a family member would make a wounded sound when their loved one’s name was read.  People cried.  When it happened, “Hayley McCutcheon”, I wanted to stand up and scream, did you hear that name, that was my child, that is my love, my heart and my soul, that name.  She should still be here don’t you understand.  I don’t want to be a part of a group.  I want to be alone with my grief.  I want to keep her alive in my world.  If they read her name with all of your deceased loved ones, how can I pretend this is not happening?  I can’t.

After the ceremony we had a reception with lunch.  We were encouraged to circulate and hear other’s stories.  What?  I tried.  The first was the lady I sat next to in the ceremony.  Her 27 year old daughter was killed by a drunk driver 6 weeks before her wedding and the same week Hayley died.  I heard the story and I heard how little jail time the driver was going to get.  I watched her shake with anger.  I tried to ask appropriate questions.  She asked about Hayley but she really wasn’t listening, you could see she was lost in her story and thinking about the pending sentencing of the woman that destroyed her life.  I saw my own self centeredness reflected back at me.  We left with some flowers and a certificate.  The certificate is like so many I have in my Hayley box.  Certificates for soccer, dance, and student of the month.  Now I had another to add.  A piece of paper that basically says good job on your decision to give life to others when you died at 19.  I want to burn it.

It felt like a funeral reception for so many.  I just felt so sad for all of these people, because I know how they feel.  The food was excellent, so on top of being sad, I blew my diet.  They had a table with like five different cookie bars.  Fruit, Quiche, wraps.  I was like an unsupervised toddler at a birthday party.  I believe that I am glad we went.  If it was an annual thing, I wouldn’t go again, but every single person that works for Life Center NW was there to honor us and Hayley.  The sincerity and appreciation that was shown was beyond compare.  It truly takes special people to choose that line of work.  Really extraordinary people.

The week of April 23rd, Q13 Fox will air Hayley’s story.  It was filmed weeks ago and has been delayed a few times.  It won’t all be about Hayley but we are thankful to my friend that is producing the piece.  I believe it will show organ donation in the light it deserves.  It should also be posted on their webpage if you miss it so I will make sure to share the link.  Some of the interview is now dated but hopefully will still be impactful.  I have more to tell, more to share but I am not ready yet.  Wear blue and green for Hayley on Friday.  Ask friends and family if they are a donor.  If not refer them to www.lcnw.org for more information and a way to register.  Thank you to this community of readers for supporting me and always lifting me up.