They say that when you hit rock bottom there is only one way to go, up. I call bullshit on that. I have hit that rock bottom only to find that there is another much lower bottom. That is where I am at, rock bottom. I literally ache all day and all night for Hayley. There is not a moment that goes by that she is not on my mind. My brain seems to have the capacity to grieve while going about the business of living. All at the same time. I function at the most minimum level when I am at home. I started a part time job at the local YMCA. The idea is to slowly introduce myself back into the real world. I need to be back into the full time workforce as soon as possible for financial reasons. I have worked two weeks and had two meltdowns. The first when they were setting up my employee membership and she asked if I wanted to leave Hayley and Henry on the membership. Ouch. I started to cry much to my embarrassment. At this exact moment, Hayley’s best friend, that works the front desk came into the room and wanted to know what was wrong. Our pain was palpable.
The second trigger happened Monday night and has sent me down another notch of the rock bottom ladder. I had to get CPR and First Aid certified. I happily signed up, because come on, CPR is my jam. I survived cardiac arrest and spent five years teaching it to hundreds of kids in my previous job. As we practiced compressions all I was thinking about was the kids I taught and wonder if any of them have saved a life yet. Then it happened. She brought out breathing respirators. The big balloon like contraption that you squeeze to breath for someone. I started to sweat and shake. The tears were on the edge. The image of Hayley being bagged as she was taken away from all of us to head to surgery. Surgery to save others. But the last time I saw her beautiful face it had one of these respirators on it. Then I saw that night when I rounded the corner and found the nurse doing chest compressions on my daughter. I was on my knees already in the class or it would have knocked me to them. There were people doing compressions and using the respirators around me and the room began to spin. I went to the instructor. Thankfully she was the one that had been involved in the removing of Hayley from the membership. I choked out, It’s Hayley, this was the last image, I need to leave. I was told I had to be evaluated on all steps or I would have to take the class again. OH MY GAWD, are you kidding? I got out of the room clumsily before I became an unconscious real life victim for them to practice first aid on. I sat outside the room trying to get my shit together. PTSD is not like sadness or depression or normal anxiety. PTSD takes over your mind and like a movie in your mind, replays the images over and over. I can relate to soldiers with PTSD. Everyone’s movie reel is different but the physical response is real.
I know I should have left. My manager would have understood. But all I could think was “Be Strong”. So I went back in. I had to participate in rescue breathing, chest compressions and other life saving techniques. I kept my eyes on the floor. Every compression I saw Hayley. Touching the respirator was actually painful, my hands were shaking. But I did it. I am certified. I went home and could not take a xanax fast enough. The next day I felt like I had the flu. I spent the entire day in my pajamas just trying to shut down the movie reel. My entire body hurts. I didn’t go to work. The bottom is lower.
This makes me question how can I function in the real world? When I worked Aquatics on Saturday I watched the parents with their children and remembered Hayley’s swim lessons. Henry too. Will I ever not see my memories everywhere I go? Do we need to move? How could I even leave the home she loved so much? What would we do? This is an example where one thought leads to another.
So I have been so low lately, rock bottom. Ironically it has been Rocks that have given me moments of pride and happiness. I still paint rocks. Recently I asked for help hiding them. On the back I put a sticker that has the be like Hayley website on it. This leads people to her story and directs them to post in the Sammamish Rocks Facebook page. It has also led some to this page and to email me. I have received several messages about what my rocks have meant to the finder. Here are two of those messages:
Dawn,
My 3 year old daughter LOVES rocks. Anytime we go anywhere we always manage to come home with no fewer than 5 hideous, dirt covered rocks. Last week, we were on a hike and she found a rock that had a heart painted on it. She immediately started calling it her ‘treasure’ rock. With the new paint a rock and hide it trend, I know people put things on the back to encourage pictures and the use of hashtags to see where the rocks end up. On the back of this one was ‘belikehayley.com’ Something about this rock, with its smiling heart told me I already knew some part of the story.
You see, hearts have a extra special place in our family. Of course each of us has a healthy beating heart, but for my husband, it is all thanks to families like yours and heros like your daughter. My husband is a two time heart transplant recepiant. This past June marked his 25th anniversary with someone else’s heart and his 2nd anniversary with his newest.
I don’t know your pain and suffering, but i want you to know that because of donors like your daughter, my own daughter will grow up with a father. One who loves her, with every beat of his heart(s).
Thank you for sharing your story as hard as it is. Know that those of us on the other side will never know how to say thank you enough.
With endless gratitude
Rebecca
Hi Dawn,
Last night, my family went to my parent’s house in Sammamish for dinner. My 75 year old dad had picked up a rock with a unicorn painted on it at Beaver Lake Park. He brought it home because he thought my 9 and 7 year old daughters (Lucy and Lily) would like it.
Lucy noticed the website on the bottom, so I looked it up. We then had a great dinner conversation with my parents, my aunt and uncle, and my 3 kids (there’s also Zach, who is 5) about organ donation, bone marrow donation, blood donation and how we can all help each other.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you have gone through and I think that it’s amazing that you have used your grief and her memory in such a wonderful way.
The rock is now part of Lucy’s unicorn “collection” 🙂
Take care,
Kate
Amazing what a Rock can do. It makes me want to continue painting. My rocks have been hidden by friends in Laguna Beach, in Hawaii and of course around Hayley’s beloved city of Sammamish. My “job” is to keep telling her story. That is all I can do for her. Make sure she is not forgotten. 
Just when I was at my lowest recently I was given something to look forward to. A dear friend from High School is taking me with her on a business trip to Florence, Italy! I have not left our continent in my whole life. I am going to Italy in September. Something Hayley had talked about doing with school. I will do it for her. When my friend has to go home I am staying on and going to Rome on my own. This has given me something to focus on and to be honest obsess about. I already have all my travel size toiletries. I have books I am reading about Italy. My suitcase is going to include some rocks and cause bracelets. Maybe this will be a start to the #belikehayley movement going international.
Thank you to everyone that messages me and lets me know that they are thinking about me. I read them all, I may not respond because I don’t know what to say. I say it here. Thank you. I guess there has to be a bottom eventually.
Dawn
