I am struggling. What else is new? This is probably getting old to read. Every breath I take hurts. Tomorrow is a half of a Mother’s Day. I am missing Hayley even more than normal. She loved to make people feel good on holidays. She would have done something special. Henry owns what is left of my heart but let’s be honest he is a teenage boy; they are not exactly the most thoughtful. I am looking forward to making him spend the day with me. I miss everything about Hayley. Mostly I miss her smile. I miss her smart ass mouth. I miss her love. This week the ptsd has crept up on me. I have had nightmares every night about what I witnessed; what she went through and how she suffered. The image of watching your child die never fades. It haunts me. I look forward to sleep so I don’t have to think but I dread it because the nightmares will come. Everything reminds me of what is lost. Mother’s day commercials all seem to be mothers and daughters. The target market. Even the dogs remind me. I sit next to her sweet Zoey. I wonder how old can she get. How will I say goodbye to her when she meant so much to Hayley.
Hayley’s friends are living their lives. Hayley should be. They are getting engaged. They are graduating college. She should be going into her senior year. Henry is struggling and I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know if he can even recognize the grief that has been chasing him for the last year and a half.
I survived Hayley’s birthday. She would have been 21. We would have so much fun going to bars. I am sure we would go and order a non alcoholic beverage but just to be in a bar would have been fun. We had given thought to doing the floating lanterns on her birthday but there was no way Scott and I could make it until dark. We were in bed at 6:30 that night just breathing shallow. If we take a deep breath on days like that the flood gates would open.
I am jumping around today. I am almost one year out from my bariatric surgery. I don’t regret it but it has not been easy. I am certainly healthier, but I have not reached my goals and that feels bad. I am ten years out on my pacemaker. We will be approaching replacement surgery in the next 12 to 18 months. Another traumatic experience with a hospital I am sure.
Our state finally overturned an archaic law that prevented parents of children over 18 to sue on their behalf for at fault deaths. We will be moving forward on our lawsuit. I am determined that no matter how brutal it is we will be strong so that another parent won’t have to go through this slow walk through hell.
This was a confusing post I know. But it is how my brain works. It jumps around similar to this post. But it always comes back to the same dark place. Grief.