{"id":116,"date":"2017-09-27T08:15:20","date_gmt":"2017-09-27T08:15:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/?p=116"},"modified":"2017-09-27T08:40:34","modified_gmt":"2017-09-27T08:40:34","slug":"back-to-the-start","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/2017\/09\/27\/back-to-the-start\/","title":{"rendered":"Back to the Start"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Saturday night I went to the Coldplay stadium concert with my younger brother, Kevin.\u00a0 I originally bought the tickets a year ago for Henry.\u00a0 I even splurged on really good seats thinking it would be his first concert.\u00a0 Every Christmas I am notorious for hiding presents I buy early and then forgetting about them.\u00a0 I had done it again, it was about Valentine’s Day when I remembered the tickets.\u00a0 I had to be so patient to wait and give them to him for his May birthday.\u00a0 This was not a first.\u00a0 One year about 3 months after Christmas, Hayley, Henry and I were in the car.\u00a0 Henry said “you know what I would like Mom, a gaming chair for my Xbox”.\u00a0 Oh Shit, seriously, again?When we got home I told the kids to both wait in the family room.\u00a0 I went to the garage and there in a corner covered by a blanket was the gaming chair I had bought him on black Friday.\u00a0 I walked in and enjoyed the brief look of disbelief on Henry’s face while he tried to figure out how I made that happen so fast.\u00a0 That is until his sister said “Geez Mom you did it again!\u00a0 Is there anything for me that you forgot?\u00a0 It would be great if there was a new iPhone hidden somewhere.”\u00a0 She was always a smart ass.\u00a0 We did get a good laugh about it.\u00a0 Just about every Christmas I am certain that I heard her say “Hey Henry should we check the garage for a gaming chair?”\u00a0 I have no doubt that years from now I will find something else.\u00a0 Well the tickets were forgotten.\u00a0 I presented them to him on his birthday in May.\u00a0 He was less than enthusiastic.\u00a0 Hayley said she would go with him or take the tickets if he didn’t want them.\u00a0 This month\u00a0 I reminded him about the tickets.\u00a0 He said I would rather have the cash.\u00a0 Sigh.\u00a0 He did already have his first concert, Kendrick Lamar.\u00a0 So I guess his music taste has changed.\u00a0 I remembered my brother liking Coldplay and asked him to go.\u00a0 I wanted to thank him for everything he did for us in July when the world came crashing down.<\/p>\n

We were raised mostly as only children.\u00a0 Divorce, age difference and living with different parents caused us to grow up without shared experiences.\u00a0 He was 19 when he became Uncle Kevin.\u00a0 We met at a bar near the stadium Saturday.\u00a0 It was really such a treat to get to spend time with him.\u00a0 Yes, we talked about Hayley but we tried to make it a night of fun not sorrow.\u00a0 As I sat there at the bar and later at the concert, I realized how much I did not know about my brother.\u00a0 I was totally ashamed of myself.\u00a0 I knew he was accomplished.\u00a0 I have always been proud of his career, his marriage and my amazing nieces.\u00a0 But I could not answer basic questions siblings should know.\u00a0 So I asked.\u00a0 What was your first concert?\u00a0 Tom Petty. Oh man that is so much better than mine.\u00a0 Aha.\u00a0 I said “Aha, Aha, AHA!!!” he kept saying huh?\u00a0 You know “take on me”.\u00a0 I got a little smirk from him.\u00a0 We were talking about Henry and how well he has done learning the saxophone.\u00a0 Did Kevin play an instrument growing up?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 \u00a0I am sure he felt like I was interviewing him and I sort of was.\u00a0 But I had a lot of questions.\u00a0 I really actually wanted to know the answers.\u00a0 It felt good to be \"\"interested in something other than my pain.\u00a0 That is when part of our couple’s counseling Scott and I go to every week clicked.\u00a0 In counseling we are working on our relationship in order to handle our grief together.\u00a0 One ongoing theme is to be “curious” about each other.\u00a0 I realized that is what I was doing with my brother and it actually felt good.\u00a0 It felt like I was building a relationship.<\/p>\n

That is when I realized I don’t really know my husband.\u00a0 Okay, I know him.\u00a0 But I don’t think I have ever really been curious about him.\u00a0 I know exactly what annoys me about him.\u00a0 In fact I know it well.\u00a0 I know what I wish he would do.\u00a0 But have I never been curious enough to really know why does he act, do, and live the way he does.\u00a0 27 years together, my entire adult life, shouldn’t I know more.\u00a0 I honestly can’t remember what his first concert was, if I had to guess I would say Rush.\u00a0 But who knows.\u00a0 I realized to understand how he is grieving I need to be curious about his relationship with Hayley.\u00a0 He needs to do the same with me.\u00a0 By doing that we can understand each others triggers.\u00a0 We can know what we should do to support the other.\u00a0 We can actually grow closer through our grief.\u00a0 What a novel idea.\u00a0 The counselor mention this as a goal and I remember scoffing in my head.\u00a0 Like, seriously, I will feel lucky if I come through this grief and actually be able to function.\u00a0 He is so damn observant.\u00a0 He caught my thoughts on my face.\u00a0 He asked me “what would Hayley want?”.\u00a0 He asks this a lot.\u00a0 The first time he asked I began to cry and hold my hand over my mouth to stop myself from blurting out “she wants not to be dead, that is what Hayley would want!”.\u00a0 I have not said it out loud to him but it is there every single time he asks that question. Then I take a deep breath and answer the question.\u00a0 Hayley would want Scott and I to stay together and grow closer for us and for Henry.\u00a0 Hayley would think it was an even bigger tragedy if her death tore us apart.\u00a0 At the end of some days when I ask myself what I accomplished today, all I can say is I didn’t tell someone to Fuck Off.\u00a0 That’s something right?\u00a0 Well that and I didn’t physically harm anyone or myself.\u00a0 That is also a good day.<\/p>\n

I remember Psych 101 and the stages of grief.\u00a0 \u00a0I thought the five stages of grief were linear.\u00a0 You know, like one at a time and in a row.\u00a0 I figured the length of each stage might vary, but not the order.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Denial<\/li>\n
  2. Anger<\/li>\n
  3. Bargaining<\/li>\n
  4. Depression<\/li>\n
  5. Acceptance<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Fine, I can do that.\u00a0 I like things with order, clear and concise.\u00a0 What they don’t tell you about grief is that the stages don’t go in that order, that they can all happen in the same day, even the same hour.\u00a0 You can go from denial to depression, to acceptance and back to denial all in the time it takes your Kureg to make you a shitty cup of coffee.\u00a0 \u00a0Not only do they make it sound like something orderly when they call it “stages” of grief, but they fail to mention several other “stages”.\u00a0 For Example:<\/p>\n

      \n
    • Blame<\/li>\n
    • Guilt<\/li>\n
    • Pain<\/li>\n
    • Hatred<\/li>\n
    • Sleep<\/li>\n
    • Loneliness<\/li>\n
    • Isolation<\/li>\n
    • Mania<\/li>\n
    • Cognitive Impairment<\/li>\n
    • Fantasyland<\/li>\n
    • Preoccupation<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      I have personally experienced every single one of the original Five Stages of Grief and my own list above, that we shall call “All the other Shit”.<\/p>\n

      I will explore these experiences in more depth when I can.\u00a0 Right now I have a raging headache going on from the withdrawals from the “sleep” medication they are weaning me off of.\u00a0 See previous posts.<\/p>\n

      But let’s touch on a few.\u00a0 Fantasyland<\/strong>.\u00a0 This one is a fun one.\u00a0 This is what the Fantasyland Stage of grief looks like to me.\u00a0 Several times at the concert I thought about texting the picture or video I just took to Hayley.\u00a0 When I wake up in the middle of the night to pee I look down the hall to see if Hayley left her door open.\u00a0 If she did I would need to go shut it before one of the dogs joined her and woke her up.\u00a0 This was not a girl you wanted to wake up, it was scary.\u00a0 She didn’t mind the dogs laying with her when she was watching TV but if they joined her while she was sleeping the shit might hit the fan.\u00a0 So I would sneak down, take the towel off the door where she hung it to dry even though there was a perfectly good rack 24 inches away, and quietly shut the door.\u00a0 Then I could go pee without worrying the dogs would wake her up.\u00a0 In Fantasyland I glance to her closed door, sit down and then realize she is not in her room.\u00a0 She will never ever be in her room for the dogs to wake up when I pee in the middle of the night.\u00a0 Fantasyland is that brief rush I get when I turn in to our culdesac and see that her red car is in the driveway.\u00a0 Red Car equals Hayley is home.\u00a0 No she is not.\u00a0 Another example is those first few seconds in the morning when I review in my head who is home, what are everyone’s plans today and can I go back to sleep.\u00a0 The truth always comes quickly and it is like being kicked in the gut.\u00a0 All of these experience only need seconds, fractions of seconds to run their course and leave you breathing shallow from the pain.<\/p>\n

      Preoccupation<\/strong> means to be engrossed with something or fixated on a task.\u00a0 This has happened to me with furniture.\u00a0 It started in the hospital.\u00a0 \u00a0My kids don’t like change.\u00a0 We have had a dark green chenille fabric sectional for over 15 years.\u00a0 It was our first ever big furniture purchase.\u00a0 That couch was well loved.\u00a0 Everyone loved it.\u00a0 It was so comfortable.\u00a0 It was big, we could fit many people.\u00a0 The party couch.\u00a0 That couch held 5 year old daisy scouts, junior high slumber parties, and high school boys lounging around watching youtube videos.\u00a0 Hayley and I decided it was time to replace the big green monster.\u00a0 Scott would no longer sit on it.\u00a0 He said it was gross.\u00a0 Hayley and I went to Macy’s three times before her surgery.\u00a0 Our first visit was when we found her new adult bed.\u00a0 We sat on every couch in that place.\u00a0 We had narrowed it down to two fabric sectionals.\u00a0 I wanted leather but I knew that Scott would be the voice of reason and say we can’t spend that kind of money when one of us didn’t have a job.\u00a0 There was one leather sectional that Hayley fell in love with.\u00a0 I took a picture of her enjoying the power recliners.\u00a0 I said nope, not going to happen.\u00a0 Shortly after I ended up one Saturday determined and listed the sectional for sale.\u00a0 At the same time I found a crate and barrel sofa set from a family that used it for a low traffic front room.\u00a0 They were like my friend’s couch that I enjoyed.\u00a0 Slip covered so you could change the color.\u00a0 They had a certain beachy Nantucket feel about them that I love.\u00a0 So one Saturday night at 4:00 I rented a uhaul truck and with Hayley riding shotgun drove way the heck out past carnation almost to Snohomish.\u00a0 I had never driven one of these things before and it was a mother daughter adventure.\u00a0 Once we drove off with my $300 furniture prize that would cost over $3k new,\u00a0 Hayley informed me that these were the ugliest couches she had ever seen and that I was completely insane.\u00a0 They were ugly, they were this salmon pink color.\u00a0 I kid you not.\u00a0 She said Dad is going to hate these.<\/p>\n

      Well\u00a0 we got the pink couches into the house.\u00a0 I explained that when I was working again I would order a more neutral color in new slipcovers.\u00a0 Henry made a gagging sound and Hayley said they were awful, she may have called me an idiot.\u00a0 Scott…I like this color.\u00a0 We thought he was kidding.\u00a0 Both kids were so pissed about the sectional being gone it was like I had re-gifted their Christmas puppy or something.\u00a0 So mad at me, they both mentioned it daily.\u00a0 I didn’t enjoy sitting on them either.\u00a0 They were not deep like the sectional.\u00a0 They looked fine, but it was the fact that something that had been there for so long was missing, like we had knocked a wall out.\u00a0 But guess what?\u00a0 Scott loved them.\u00a0 It was that ugly pink couch that Hayley was laying on early Monday morning in July screaming for us to call 911 because her head hurt so bad.\u00a0 I can still picture it.\u00a0 I can picture the paramedics.\u00a0 I can hear the dogs wailing from the closed master bedroom as they did everything they could to get to the intruders.\u00a0 I can hear myself over and over explaining to them that she had just been discharged from the Issaquah Hospital but we needed to get her to Seattle where her surgeon was waiting to make sure she got the care she needed.\u00a0 I can hear them explaining that they were the only engine on the plateau at the moment due to some fires elsewhere and so a private ambulance would take her.\u00a0 I watched them take her off that ugly pink couch and onto a gurney and take her out of her home.\u00a0 The home she would not ever return to.\u00a0 As Scott and her were getting into the ambulance, I remember the lead responder say to me “was it really medically necessary for her to have the breast reduction surgery”.\u00a0 \u00a0What I said in my head was “Fuck You Asshole”, out loud I said “Yes it was”.\u00a0 I have been planning for weeks to go to station 82 and find this man and to inform him that she died less than 24 hours after they questioned the need for their services for her headache.\u00a0 It still haunts me.<\/p>\n

      But I am off topic, this is supposed to be about Preoccupation.\u00a0 That week as I held up that wall in the hospital I became preoccupied with the couch situation.\u00a0 I knew that when I came home I wanted to curl up on that green monster.\u00a0 It became a symbol of comfort and the opposite of change.\u00a0 If everything looked the same when I got home then this wasn’t really happening.\u00a0 I was fixated on that couch.\u00a0 I told my friend, please, I am not crazy, but I need a favor.\u00a0 Here is the buyer’s information, they live a couple of miles away.\u00a0 Can you please ask them if we can buy the couch back and I need it done before I come home.\u00a0 Please.\u00a0 She didn’t ask any questions, she didn’t judge.\u00a0 I am the luckiest person in the world to have a friend like that.\u00a0 Had the situation been reversed I don’t know if I would have reacted the same.\u00a0 I would think she was losing her mind.\u00a0 That Saturday her husband rented a trailer and they put the pink couches in our garage and brought back the green monster.\u00a0 \u00a0Henry was so happy to see it.\u00a0 I saw the same need in his eyes for nothing to be changing.\u00a0 If nothing changed, if everything looked the same, Hayley was not gone.\u00a0 It was that couch where 15 Christmases had been spent, wrapping paper all over it.\u00a0 Where all our dogs lounged.\u00a0 The Chaise was my favorite spot to sit and breastfeed baby Henry.\u00a0 It was the spot I curled up, with friends and family, waiting for the call to say it was over.\u00a0 It was the place I have been crying while countless people held me, no idea what to say.\u00a0 But it was time.<\/p>\n

      Recently I convinced Scott to get out of the house and go to Macy’s Furniture with me.\u00a0 I was promptly greeted by our salesperson, Richard.\u00a0 Richard is about a 101 years old but he has sold me all of my furniture in the past few years.\u00a0 Scott wandered around.\u00a0 Richard asked me how does your daughter like her new bed.\u00a0 I had to ruin the poor mans day.\u00a0 We walked around, I showed Scott the fabric sectional that we had picked out.\u00a0 It is too big.\u00a0 Okay, it comes smaller.\u00a0 He said I think we should get leather.\u00a0 Okay.\u00a0 We walked, we sat, we reclined.\u00a0 I said my only requests were it be a sectional and it have at least one recliner.\u00a0 When I saw the one that Hayley loved I pointed it out.\u00a0 I said that is the one I sent you the picture with Hayley lounging on.\u00a0 He saw the price and as predicted we looked elsewhere.\u00a0 I thought I found a good value in a different brand, he said we are not paying that much.\u00a0 I pointed to a small fabric accent chair.\u00a0 I pointed out the $799 price tag.\u00a0 “Scott this is what furniture costs and if you want it to last 15 years it costs more.”\u00a0 I reminded him what we spend in 2002 on the green monster.\u00a0 I asked him how much did he want to spend.\u00a0 He said “$500” and walked away.\u00a0 Yep, that field trip was over.\u00a0 He wasn’t ready.<\/p>\n

      Last week we decided to take another look, I have been so physically uncomfortable and in pain.\u00a0 I can’t seem to find the right place to curl up and watch the world go by.\u00a0 He must have felt the same.\u00a0 It just felt like unfinished business. We spent several hours at that store, lounging and discussing pros and cons.\u00a0 We were the only customers.\u00a0 I walked in, set on the lower priced one, a compromise.\u00a0 He kept going back to the Hayley pick.\u00a0 He said I think it is this one.\u00a0 I asked him are you choosing this because it was the one Hayley liked.\u00a0 He was so honest, “probably” but it also has all of the features we wanted.\u00a0 The green monster went to our new friends at the Red Barn.\u00a0 That felt right,\u00a0 I was able to let it go.\u00a0 Today the new couch arrived.\u00a0 There are three recliners.\u00a0 There are three of us.<\/p>\n

      I have received so many positive messages about this journal.\u00a0 I have celebrated the compliments on my writing and the hope it is helping others as well as myself.\u00a0 But right now I am trying to figure out where I was going with this.\u00a0 I started with a Coldplay concert, touched on a psychology lesson and ended with a couch.<\/p>\n

      I might as well own the fact that this entry has no theme and just jumps from topic to topic.\u00a0 But, wait, that is exactly what I was trying to explain about my grief.\u00a0 It jumps from topic to topic.\u00a0 It has no theme.\u00a0 It has no map.\u00a0 It is not linear.\u00a0 It is not focused.\u00a0 It is a big jumbled mess of emotion and pain.\u00a0 I am going to end with a song.\u00a0 This was the one song at the concert that made me cry, that made me think of Hayley.\u00a0 I have copied the lyrics below and attached a link to the song.\u00a0 It is called the “Scientist”, but for me I call it “Back to the Start”.\u00a0 Today when Scott and I went to have lunch at the met market, I stared like a stalker at three females.\u00a0 A Mom, her Adult daugher and her angelic toddler in her stroller.\u00a0 The two adults looked so much alike it was clear they were mother and daughter.\u00a0 Their body language spoke of a closeness, more like good friends.\u00a0 They seemed comfortable being together.\u00a0 A pair.\u00a0 A pair with a granddaughter. The opportunity to start an amazing journey over from the start.\u00a0 Thankfully they were so engrossed in their conversation that they did not notice me staring at them with tears in my eyes.\u00a0 I whispered to Scott, “I just realized something.\u00a0 I will never have that. Three generations.”\u00a0 He stood a little closer to me.\u00a0 I was not just grieving the physical presence of my daughter.\u00a0 I was grieving all of the what could have been and what was to come.\u00a0 The pain was sharp and the desire to go back to the start and do it all over again took my breath away.<\/p>\n