I have not been writing not because I have nothing to say but because I have too much to say.\u00a0 Today was one of my hardest days.\u00a0 The most frustrating part is that there is not a particular reason.\u00a0 It is not one of those “dates” we have to get past.\u00a0 Maybe because it was one of the only days this week I didn’t have a lot scheduled.\u00a0 Except actually I did, but I forgot to put the car detail appointment on my calendar.\u00a0 So in spite of that, I felt like I could just do nothing today and as soon as I let that sink in, the pain and sadness was overwhelming.\u00a0 I keep thinking I have had the worst days, that I have felt all of the feelings possible about losing my daughter, my person.\u00a0 I am wrong every time.\u00a0 I thought so many things in the past were also the worst.\u00a0 Just in the last year I thought Hayley going to college and the dog dying the next day was the absolute worst.\u00a0 I thought watching a friend die and watching her sister, mother, nieces and others grieve the loss of such a super funny and charismatic person was the worst.\u00a0 Stacie lit up a room even on her bad days.\u00a0 I think about my physical struggles this past winter with my Fibromyalgia and Heart issues and how that impacted my job. I thought that was the worst.\u00a0 Then when I was unjustly fired in April, I thought for sure that was the worst experience ever.\u00a0 I was wrong.<\/p>\n
It was like the universe heard me, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and said “Really, Hold my beer.”.\u00a0 When I think I have had the worst day.\u00a0 “Really, Hold my beer”.<\/p>\n
I miss Hayley every second of every day.\u00a0 She was my heart and my soul.\u00a0 As a daughter she provided the love I needed in a way that I could never expect from Henry.\u00a0 Henry gives me just as much love and I adore him in a fierce momma bear way that drives the poor teenager insane.\u00a0 I don’t expect him to ever replace Hayley.\u00a0 It was the way she was built.\u00a0 She held nothing back.\u00a0 Not even when we wish she had.\u00a0 She was loving, stronger than she knew, funny, real, kind and also not perfect.\u00a0 She could be a really big Bitch.\u00a0 She picked on her brother more times than I can count.\u00a0 As she matured she would do or say something that made her an actual asshole.\u00a0 But what was different this last couple of years was, first it happen less often and second because she was always willing to apologize.\u00a0 Sometimes it was done in a sarcastic way, but you could never stay mad at her long.\u00a0 She was so empathetic.\u00a0 I think that is one of the reasons she liked reality TV shows.\u00a0 She seem to always find a way to relate to the people that shared (or staged) their lives for us to watch.\u00a0 A news story could bring her to tears and she would want and expect me to be able to find out how that person was doing weeks later.\u00a0 She loved to watch videos of soldiers reuniting with their families.\u00a0 Over and Over.\u00a0 She cried every single time.\u00a0 I would ask her why do you do that to yourself, she would say because it feels good.\u00a0 She always chose quality over quantity when it came to friendships.\u00a0 She didn’t care to be popular she wanted to be real.\u00a0 She honestly told me she was too lazy to have tons of friends and that it was easier to just pick\u00a0 a strong dozen that you could count on, that way it wouldn’t cut into her TV and sleep time.\u00a0 She also didn’t discriminate when it came to friendships.\u00a0 She didn’t need them to be her age or her gender.\u00a0 She loved to hang out with me and Tamese.\u00a0 She had a solid relationship with her teacher and friend Meghan.\u00a0 It didn’t matter that we were all older and in positions of authority to her, we were her friends too.\u00a0 She was in Meghan’s classroom the first day home in June to say hi.\u00a0 She had been up to something in Meghan’s office.\u00a0 When Meghan came back to set up her classroom in August for the new school year, she unpacked a small square framed chalkboard.\u00a0 ![\"\"](\"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/21122232_10100456077369536_1412244757177059612_o-300x300.jpg\")
On it was a note.\u00a0 “I fricken love Meghan Delaney so much! – Hayley”\u00a0 Hayley strikes again.\u00a0 I was actually surprised it didn’t say “fucking” but, see, I think there was some more thoughtful behavior happening after a year at college.<\/p>\n
She made those lucky chosen people feel special and loved by her.\u00a0 Even when she was annoying us she was still Hayley and it was okay.\u00a0 What I have learned about my daughter over the last 10 weeks is that she had the uncanny ability to meet people where they needed.\u00a0 She didn’t treat everyone she loved the same.\u00a0 She was able to adapt to what was comfortable for them.\u00a0 For example, her Dad is not much of a talker.\u00a0 He is not interested in sitting and watching TV and talking for hours like we did.\u00a0 He didn’t view chores and errands as fun.\u00a0 Trust me if you have to go to the store, Costco, Target, Ulta, etc why does it have to be a chore.\u00a0 Most of the time it is something you just have to do.\u00a0 The household needs milk and toilet paper.\u00a0 But for her and I it could be fun.\u00a0 That Target dollar section is not going to clear itself out.\u00a0 It was tradition to find displays involving initials and rearranging them on the shelf.\u00a0 If you saw things like “Suck it” or “asshat” spelled out on the shelves of Target or Michaels it was probably us.\u00a0 Sorry.\u00a0 That last week in June we thought were trying to write messages on those mermaid pillows.\u00a0 They are made out of double sided sequins of different colors, so when you swipe or in our case use your finger as a “pen”, it will create a swipe of opposite color or as we hoped, words.\u00a0 Every single time we approached the display and would start with the letter F, a sales clerk would come over and ask if we needed help finding something.\u00a0 I swear we circled the store and shopped shower curtains for a half of an hour waiting for our chance but that girl was always hovering around the mermaid pillows.\u00a0 Clearly our idea was not original and she had designated herself the fun police.\u00a0 I should probably go make that happen in Hayley’s honor.\u00a0 But if Hayley and I went together and often with my friend and her daughter, it wasn’t a chore, it was an outing.\u00a0 I wish I could take back all the times I cringed when she tagged along because I thought she should go play with people her own age or that I was a crutch from keeping her from being more social.\u00a0 Every minute I spent with her is now treasured, it is all I have.\u00a0 There will be no more errands that are outings.\u00a0 They are all chores now.\u00a0 Trust me Scott and Henry don’t appreciate the therapeutic value of the dollar section or a leisurely stroll around Homegoods hoping to find just the right treasure.\u00a0 Some times she drove me bonkers.\u00a0 Usually when she realized that she made a mistake coming with us and wanted to go home.\u00a0 On those days she would follow me around like a negative cloud of mojo.\u00a0 She would whine, how much longer, I want to go home, just like a sleepy toddler.\u00a0 At Homegoods or Target she would be literally right on my heels breathing down my neck.\u00a0 I would get so annoyed.\u00a0 I would tell her to go find and bug Tamese.\u00a0 Stop invading my space!\u00a0 I went to Marshalls today to find some fatter clothes to wear to a wedding and of course I felt the pull of a quick run up the aisles in Homegoods.\u00a0 That is something I could do for hours.\u00a0 I didn’t even need to buy anything, it was the hunt and imagining of ideas.\u00a0 Most of the time if I did buy anything it was for Hayley.\u00a0 I felt coldness behind me without her on my heels.\u00a0 Today it was absolutely awful.\u00a0 It was not relaxing.\u00a0 There was not that boost in serotonin I was used to feeling.\u00a0 It was torturous.\u00a0 I saw things everywhere that reminded me of Hayley.\u00a0 Even if I saw something I liked, the first thought was would she like it.\u00a0 If I brought home a purchase from this place, I always wanted to show her first.\u00a0 Because trust me Scott and Henry could give two shits about my new collection of ceramic pigs with wings.\u00a0 The week before her surgery when we were remodeling her bedroom we found the perfect framed sign at Homegoods.\u00a0 It was vintage barn looking with metal letters, “HOME”.\u00a0 It was hung over her bed.\u00a0 Home was her favorite spot.<\/p>\n
Today I told the men in my house that they had to go to the men’s store and get new pants and shirts to wear to the wedding this weekend.\u00a0 I have no idea what I am going to wear but at least they will look sharp.\u00a0 Henry whined because he would rather do anything else than shop.\u00a0 He actually complained and questioned why he couldn’t just wear his suit from homecoming a year ago.\u00a0 Wait, wasn’t he there two weeks ago at the doctor’s office when they said he had grown 4 inches in a year.\u00a0 I said they won’t fit you.\u00a0 He text back I haven’t even tried them on.\u00a0 I then had to explain to him what happens when you grow 4 inches but the pants don’t.\u00a0 Had he not seen images of the character Urkel? He might even be willing to eat bugs than to go shopping with me.\u00a0 I decided to spare them both and just stay on the Plateau, go to Joseph A. Banks.\u00a0 I had no energy for a mall.\u00a0 This was done shortly before my failed Marshals\/Homegoods trip.<\/p>\n
We met Scott there as he had just had the pleasure (sarcasm) of spending another day in the hospital nearby dealing with his Mom and getting her home to assisted living which meant interaction with his Father.\u00a0 (These relationships are a whole entire blog of their own)\u00a0 I walked in and told the sharp dressed salesman that I needed pants for my son and my husband.\u00a0 He asked me all kinds of questions about sizing and style and jackets and hems and omfg are you kidding me.\u00a0 \u00a0When he asked me Henry’s shirt size I said ” well in Van’s Clothes, a Large”.\u00a0 I think he thought I was trying to be funny, I wasn’t.\u00a0 I had them both in there, in the dressing room, pants marked to hem, a shirt each and new socks in under 15 minutes.\u00a0 You’re welcome boys.\u00a0 If Hayley had been with us, she would have made Henry smile.\u00a0 She would have rolled her eyes at the plain gray shirt he chose and forced him be more fashion forward all while totally owning her baggy sweatpants and t-shirt look.\u00a0 Scott would have asked her to pick out a shirt for him and he would have purchased the pink socks with Frenchie dogs on them just because she loved Frenchies.\u00a0 Instead he thought the dogs looked like Xbox controllers.<\/p>\n
She met Scott at his comfort level.\u00a0 She watched TV with him and made fun of his choice of Ancient Aliens.\u00a0 They never got tired of watching Harry Potter marathons for hours.\u00a0 So many times.\u00a0 I would say to them I bought you guys these on DVD, you know you can watch them without commercials.\u00a0 I now look back and realize that it was just better and natural to watch the TV versions.\u00a0 A set of commercials is just about the right length of time for a Scott conversation.\u00a0 I am sure that many of their chats over the years took place in 90 second intervals.\u00a0 I am so thankful that the two of them shared a day at Harry Potter land at Universal last April for her Birthday and Graduation.<\/p>\n
I love to eat out.\u00a0 I hate to cook.\u00a0 I like the feeling that everyone is there in one place, no leaving until I pay the check so you are stuck having family time.\u00a0 ![\"\"](\"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/CADA42D2-D0FB-454E-9F0B-A8E204D6F384-e1507279380208-225x300.jpg\")
Scott hates it.\u00a0 He reluctantly says yes about every 5 asks.\u00a0 But Hayley had it figured out.\u00a0 Often the way to get him to go out to eat was to suggest we go to the local Mexican restaurant.\u00a0 He loves Mexican food.\u00a0 Usually Henry and I ended up with upset stomachs, so we were happy for that to become their thing.\u00a0 Daddy and Daughter dinners were at Mexican.\u00a0 That was their time.\u00a0 Henry and I happily stayed home with our gastrointestinal systems in tact. Scott refuses to step into that restaurant now.<\/p>\n
Hayley would chauffeur Henry, that was their time to catch up.\u00a0 At the start of the summer it was going to the grocery store together as they often complained I was trying to starve them.\u00a0 She would let him drive with his permit even though she was not of supervising age.\u00a0 They blasted dirty rap.\u00a0 They thought they were so bad.\u00a0 I knew.\u00a0 They always came back talking and laughing.\u00a0 Often fighting over which ice cream belonged to who.\u00a0 But you see that was how she met Henry in his place.\u00a0 She was not much into gaming or computers.\u00a0 But she knew Henry loved a good unsupervised grocery store trip with my debit card.<\/p>\n
I am sure her friends can think of ways that she did this with them.\u00a0 I honestly don’t think she did it purposefully.\u00a0 It was just who she was and remember she did not waste good TV time and sleep on too many people.<\/p>\n
These are only a few of the reasons I am so sad all of the time.\u00a0 Today was bone deep sadness.\u00a0 The remarkable honor glassybaby bestowed on her with a votive named after her and chosen by us is winding down this week.\u00a0 Monday there was an after hours event for friends to come pick up their hayleys and shop to benefit the organ procurement organization for our state.\u00a0 On this same Monday a classmate of hers lost his battle with cancer, Las Vegas had a massacre and Tom Petty died.\u00a0 I don’t put Tom Petty up there with Vegas or Ben’s death, but it was my brother’s first concert and many friends recently saw him in Seattle so I figured it deserved an honorable mention.\u00a0 We thought about cancelling something fun on such a sad day, but I am glad we went on.\u00a0 It was truly a store full of love and beauty.\u00a0 Beautiful glass, beautiful women and just everyone being truly nice and enjoying each other’s company.\u00a0 3 men and Scott even braved the conditions.\u00a0 It felt a little like another memorial service for Hayley hosted by all the Moms.\u00a0 Everyone wanted to talk to me.\u00a0 There were girlfriends from High School, my HS boyfriend’s sister was there, and some people that I didn’t even recognize.\u00a0 I was so exhausted.\u00a0 I felt like I had ran miles.\u00a0 Women that said they were not going to come, they just didn’t feel well, they ended up coming.\u00a0 I think they were glad they did.\u00a0 Some had puffy eyes like mine from crying for Ben, Hayley and strangers killed by a madman.\u00a0![\"\"](\"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/22228207_10214384714760855_5835196418728809056_n-300x225.jpg\")
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The store and the displays to honor Hayley were gorgeous.\u00a0 I was truly surrounded by love.\u00a0 But that afterglow only lasts so long.\u00a0 I go days without having any important or deep conversations or connections with anyone.\u00a0 People have almost stopped asking me to go to coffee or out with them.\u00a0 So talking for two hours straight was mentally exhausting.\u00a0 It was like I could feel all of the love people were sending me but I couldn’t keep it for the rest of the week.\u00a0 It was fleeting.\u00a0 That is what happens.\u00a0 There is something that brings me out of my shell of misery for a chunk of time and then I am done.\u00a0 I am almost more sad when it ends.\u00a0 I used to have unlimited conversation and energy to give to others.\u00a0 Now I have only enough to keep breathing.\u00a0 So when I give it away it takes days to recover.<\/p>\n
Under the Friday night lights is where I watched Hayley follow in my pom poms and dance at halftime and do fun teenage things.\u00a0 Her Senior year that pleasure was stolen from our family.\u00a0 Now that Henry is in Marching Band we are back.\u00a0 I have only been to one game and it was utterly devastating.\u00a0 I am going to need several doses of Friday Night Lights before it becomes more about Henry and less about Hayley.\u00a0 Tonight the school is honoring Ben and Hayley at the start of the big community game, Skyline vs Eastlake.\u00a0 This will follow our weekly counseling session.\u00a0 I think it is going to be raw.\u00a0 Henry does not want the attention.\u00a0 I want everyone to remember her.\u00a0 The more opportunities the better as far as I am concerned.\u00a0 This may be selfish, but it is how I feel.\u00a0 There won’t be time to recover Saturday, Salmon Days Parade and a wedding.\u00a0 Sunday we have to clean out the in-laws sold house up North in Burlington in one day.\u00a0 The one thing I am learning from this tragedy is how to ask for help.\u00a0 Before, I couldn’t do it.\u00a0 Now I know I can’t do without the help.\u00a0 I sent an SOS to help us Sunday and I know we will be able to get it done.\u00a0 I know it will be a great relief for Scott when that hurdle has been reached.<\/p>\n
So I am going to take back what I said.\u00a0 This is not the worst day.\u00a0 This won’t be the worst weekend.\u00a0 Mother Nature please send that memo to the Universe.\u00a0 Because if he says again, “Really, Hold my beer.”; I will drink it.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have not been writing not because I have nothing to say but because I have too much to say.\u00a0 Today was one of my hardest days.\u00a0 The most frustrating part is that there is not a particular reason.\u00a0 It is not one of those “dates” we have to get past.\u00a0 Maybe because it was … <\/p>\n