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<\/p>\nI have not written in nearly a month. \u00a0Not because I didn’t want to, but it never seemed the right time. \u00a0I was making a commitment to go to bed early, take my evening medicines according to Doctor’s instructions and just being painfully exhausted. \u00a0The beginning of October was a huge challenge. \u00a0On Monday the 2nd the day was a roller coaster of horrible events, emotions both good and bad. \u00a0On that day, Hayley’s classmate, Ben, died. \u00a0On that day, so many people died in Las Vegas. \u00a0We thought about cancelling the Glassybaby event that evening but I am so glad we didn’t. \u00a0It ended up being a beautiful event. \u00a0It felt like an all female celebration for Hayley. \u00a0Moms everywhere. \u00a0We ended up selling over 350 “hayley” glassy babies. \u00a0Scott was there in the corner with a couple of our close friends. \u00a0I was an unintentional receiving line. \u00a0You wouldn’t think it was possible but it was more emotional than the original service. \u00a0This was intimate, these were people from all the phases of my life and I was not as numb as I had been on August 6th or as medicated. \u00a0I had been communicating with Ben and his Mom since Hayley’s death. \u00a0I wanted Ben to know how much Hayley admired his strength and how I believe that he helped her be so strong during her week of hell. \u00a0That same week Eastlake honored both Ben and Hayley at the Football Game. \u00a0Prior to the game with all the players lined up and the spectators standing, the six of us, the two families both missing a puzzle piece stood on the field together. \u00a0Henry does not like any attention right now and I know this was a hard thing for him to do. \u00a0He stood in the end zone and watched his school honor his sister. \u00a0If any of us had any kind of denial going on, this was in our face real. \u00a0The amazing couple that organized this honor, they did such a nice job. \u00a0It was more than the minute of silence we expected. \u00a0The words and Hayley and Ben’s photos on the scoreboard screen were heartfelt and just right. \u00a0It ended with both Hayley and Ben’s photos and legacy phrases. \u00a0“Be Like Hayley and Cush it to the Limit”. \u00a0 We will support each other. \u00a0Strangers that share the ultimate pain. \u00a0It is like we are both missing the complimentary pieces to the puzzle of our families. \u00a0Their kids are 4 years older than ours, but the similarities are not lost on me. \u00a0Girl and then Boy, 4 years apart. \u00a0Married since college. \u00a0Husbands named Scott. \u00a0They are missing the Son and we are missing the Daughter. \u00a0What a cruel world this is.<\/p>\n
That same week seem to go on forever. \u00a0Death and Love on Monday. \u00a0Honors and Football on Friday. \u00a0A Parade, a wedding on Saturday. \u00a0We were happy to witness the wedding of two wonderful people. \u00a0At the same time it was a very difficult time for me emotionally. \u00a0Hayley had been talking about this wedding for months. \u00a0She was so excited. \u00a0She talked about dress shopping with her new body. \u00a0It was the first wedding we would all be going to that the kids would remember. \u00a0Hayley joked about drinking and making Henry the designated driver. \u00a0I felt so outside of my own body. \u00a0I wanted to appear happy, I didn’t want to be the sad mom at the wedding. \u00a0I decided to have a couple of drinks to help, so one thing did go as planned, Henry was the designated driver. \u00a0Nothing like a permitted driver at night in downtown Seattle. \u00a0The table we were at had a missing seat. \u00a0Again, a day of happiness and sadness.<\/p>\n
The second week included several lunch meetings with friends. \u00a0Talk of Scott’s return to work. \u00a0Homecoming week. \u00a0On Thursday I had my bi-annual sonogram of my legs. \u00a0In 2012 I survived a DVT, blood clot, in my leg shortly after ankle surgery. \u00a0Why did I survive a blood clot and she didn’t? \u00a0I now have it monitored twice a year by a vascular doctor. \u00a0I had the opportunity to see him and tell him what happened to Hayley. \u00a0He was shocked and appalled. \u00a0When I told him I believed that blame lied with the Issaquah Hospital, not only did he agree with me but he talked about how that hospital is only a transfer station and how he would not have left her there that long. \u00a0I know it was not his intention, but I walked away with my mom guilt suffocating me. \u00a0I barely made it to my car before screaming and crying. \u00a0I startled an elderly couple screaming Hayley’s name over and over. \u00a0I screamed until I was hoarse. \u00a0I failed my child. \u00a0She should have had a chance. \u00a0It was taken away from her because of the arrogance of a handful of specialists and incompetence of an entire hospital. \u00a0 I should have known. \u00a0I should have made it all better. \u00a0Saturday was Homecoming. \u00a0Henry went with some friends but was reluctant to share his plans. \u00a0I found out there were “pictures” at all places the Bellevue Botanical Gardens. \u00a0This is where I have done most of my photo shoots of Hayley. \u00a0I felt left out. \u00a0I felt like he was shutting me out. \u00a0If he didn’t need me, what was my purpose? \u00a0When I confronted him, he thought I would embarrass him. \u00a0I went down the rabbit hole that night. \u00a0I passed my guilt along the way and kept going towards the bottom. \u00a0My son did not want me involved. \u00a0It became an out of control mess that night. \u00a0I was distraught, emotional and irrational. \u00a0I still feel bad that I subjected him to that. It was real and it was raw, but it was not his fault or his responsibility. \u00a0That next morning we had to drive to Mount Vernon and clear my in-law’s sold house. \u00a0We were in over our heads. \u00a0Scott had planned to spend time there earlier in the week taking loads but he ended up having to silver-sit his Mom at the same Hospital and a few rooms down from where Hayley lay and ultimately lost her life because of it. \u00a0I knew we were in over our head and sent an SOS. \u00a0They say you find out who you can count on when things are bad. \u00a0It is absolutely true. \u00a0The people that have stepped up, provided support and reached out have proved what they are made of. \u00a0This is the type of situation most people don’t want to face, it is too painful. \u00a0If they get involved they have to be able to go home and look at their own children and instead of seeing fear or guilt they need to see gratitude and love for them no matter what. \u00a0Not everyone can do that. \u00a0With the support of the person that is always there and my brother and sister in law, we actually accomplished what seemed like the impossible.<\/p>\n
The third week was a new shit show. \u00a0Literally. \u00a0Scott had briefly annoyed me the previous week. \u00a0Long enough for me to check one thing off my to do list. \u00a0Scheduling his overdue Colonoscopy. \u00a0I have had three. \u00a0I have had three horrible experiences. \u00a0I am a little ashamed at the joy I felt when seeing his 2 liters of prep sitting on the counter. \u00a0I am also a little chagrined by how mad I was at the ease he rolled through the experience. \u00a0Since it was an afternoon appointment, he was able to split the prep between the evening and the morning. \u00a0This seem to make the cleanse not so violent. \u00a0Then when we get there, we find out he gets to be in the one unit that is able to use Propofol for the procedure instead of the usual conscious sedation. \u00a0This meant quick and easy wake up in recovery. \u00a0No hangover at all from the experience. \u00a0Just ready to go. \u00a0I know it was not kind, but I was super pissed. \u00a0It did not help when he said “I don’t know what you have complained about all these times, that was easy”. \u00a0By the next day I had developed a virus that gave me laryngitis and an ear infection for extra fun. \u00a0I was due to go to the Hood Canal Property of my friend to have some alone time. \u00a0I ended up going Friday with my friend joining me. \u00a0She left a night early, I was not much company since I could not talk at all.<\/p>\n
The next week Scott came to the Hood Canal house and we traded places. \u00a0He spent the entire week there. \u00a0This made me the 6:45 am ride to school for Henry. \u00a0I am not a morning person. \u00a0This week I finally pulled Hayley’s laptop out of its spot in her room. \u00a0With my friends help I was able to get it signed in and learn to navigate a MAC. \u00a0Her photos, her messages, her schoolwork \u00a0stared back at me. \u00a0Her computer, her phone and her car were her most valued possessions. \u00a0All three are still waiting for her to return. \u00a0I am now able to sit in bed tonight with her laptop on her laptop tray and finally write again without sitting at my PC. \u00a0Henry came to say goodnight to me. \u00a0“Mom when did you get a MAC?” It’s Hayley’s. \u00a0He reached out and gently touched the stickers she placed on her cover. \u00a0It was a moment.<\/p>\n
Now that you are caught up on my month I can talk about the biggest event. \u00a0Back in September a friend took me to Stanwood to visit a Golden Retriever Breeder and her farm. \u00a0She had a litter of 3 week old puppies and we were going to have puppy therapy. \u00a0A field trip to get me out of the house. \u00a0You really can’t be sad when you are holding puppies. \u00a0When Henry’s friend lost their Golden Retriever later that month, I took them to the farm for Puppy time. \u00a0They were 5 weeks old. \u00a0At 6 weeks I went back with another friend for Puppy time. \u00a0On the way home from working in Mount Vernon we all stopped to meet the puppies. \u00a0Scott was hooked. \u00a0At 7 weeks and some wine, Scott agreed to a fourth dog in the house. \u00a0I had a secret weapon, a card Hayley made me. \u00a0On my birthday last January, Hayley and I met half way between home and school for a mid week birthday dinner. \u00a0We shopped at the outlet mall, she bought me some earrings. \u00a0At dinner she gave me 15 “open when” cards. \u00a0She had hand written all of them. \u00a0They were sealed. \u00a0They said things like “open when you miss Dudley Dog”; “Open when you want a dog”; “open when you have a bad day at work”; “open when you don’t feel good”; “open with dad is being an asshole” and the heartbreaker, “open when you miss me”. \u00a0 When she came home in June, she asked me how many I had opened. \u00a0Oh Shit, I had totally forgotten about the cards in my nightstand drawer. \u00a0“Oh honey, I have only opened a few, I am trying to make them last the whole year until my next birthday”. \u00a0I felt my pants on fire. \u00a0I have not opened the “open when you miss me” \u00a0or “open when you need to know how much I love you”. \u00a0I know that when I do I will collapse into a puddle of pain. \u00a0Thanks to Hayley we are now the proud owners of a 9 week old Golden Retriever Puppy named Finn. \u00a0<\/p>\n
He came home on October 28th. \u00a0I thought \u00a0my friends would be the voice of reason. \u00a0How can I take care of a puppy when I can barely take care of myself? \u00a0Nope. \u00a0They thought it was a great idea. \u00a0They were worried about me not getting out of bed when Scott went back to work. \u00a0They are concerned by how little I move. \u00a0Well they were right. \u00a0I have barely sat down in 6 days. \u00a0I have not had more than 3 hours sleep in a row in 5 nights. \u00a0My knee and bad ankle are actually sore from getting up and down and going in and out. \u00a0It is hard to think about much else but his need to pee, poop, eat and sleep. \u00a0It is like having an infant. \u00a0Henry and Scott are both smitten and I feel like for the first time since the nightmare started the three of us have a project, something we are doing as a new family. \u00a0![\"\"](\"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/22860064_10215490095954346_1005950256258332471_o-300x300.jpg\")
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The month ended on Halloween, Ben’s Birthday. \u00a0One of Hayley and Henry’s favorite holidays. \u00a0I always had parties for them and their friends. \u00a0I made Henry’s costumes most years. \u00a0They shared their twizzlers and peanut butter cups with me. \u00a0I have many boxes of decoration. \u00a0We have an inflatable yard pumpkin that has been in our yard every October for 14 years. \u00a0Not this year. \u00a0This year we bought no candy. \u00a0We turned the lights off and the pumpkin stayed in the garage with all the decorations. \u00a0No dog costumes. \u00a0The boys didn’t care. \u00a0I realized it was Hayley that appreciated my decorations. \u00a0It was Hayley that insisted we maintain traditions. \u00a0She knew it made me happy.<\/p>\n
This past month I have learned what it means to have “triggers”. \u00a0Triggers have been everywhere. \u00a0They were at Ikea. \u00a0Hayley and I had been the week before surgery to get her a nightstand to match her high end bed and a ottoman for the dogs to get up on her bed. \u00a0Everywhere were reminders. \u00a0The one that left me in the maze of aisles in tears was the doll bed. \u00a0Hayley still has hers. \u00a0It lived on the side of her bed hidden from others, with the bedding I sewed for it and her dolls, \u00a0Susie and Sally. \u00a0She appreciated the emotional value of “things”. \u00a0When she was very young we made a tie blanket for my Grandmother that lived in Vegas. \u00a0That blanket was displayed on the back of her couch for many years until her death. \u00a0Hayley knew how thankful I was that she had gotten to know my Grandmother. \u00a0My Grandma was one of the most important people in my life. \u00a0She asked for the blanket. \u00a0It was always with her. \u00a0Vacations, College and home. \u00a0That is a trigger. \u00a0The Holiday decorations in Home Goods flipped the switch. \u00a0What was I going to do for the holidays? \u00a0Hayley loved our decorations like I did. \u00a0We always got a new one each year. \u00a0She remembered stories about them all. \u00a0We had ones from our mother\/daughter travels. \u00a0An Ulta trip was a huge trigger. \u00a0I ran in quickly to get skin care products for Henry. \u00a0Holiday shit everywhere on fucking Halloween. \u00a0All of the great stocking stuffers that I would shop. \u00a0But I have no stocking to stuff with those items. \u00a0Waiting in line there on the counter were the new naked palettes. \u00a0Hayley was so good with eye make up. \u00a0She loved her eye shadows, the brand was naked. \u00a0They were always on her Christmas list. \u00a0I was standing in line waiting behind someone really high maintenance. \u00a0Hurry, Please, Hurry. \u00a0I want to make it out of here before I lose it. \u00a0Seriously, Bitch, you are going to witness a meltdown if you don’t pay and stop asking stupid questions. \u00a0By the time she left and I approached the cashier, I was already Ugly Crying. \u00a0I know it was an Ugly Cry, I could tell by the look of horror on this poor girl’s face. \u00a0“What is wrong, are you okay?” \u00a0Ugly Crying; “no I am not okay, my daughter died and this was her favorite store, please get me out of here” Snot, hiccup, tears running down my face. \u00a0She said I will get you out of here fast don’t worry. \u00a0She was the perfect example of professional and fast. \u00a0She even still got my rewards number out of me. \u00a0I made it to the car crying for Hayley and finding no kleenex only Drive Thru napkins. \u00a0They work.<\/p>\n
Triggers are everywhere. \u00a0I get it now. \u00a0I saw a Psychiatrist the last month in addition to the weekly counseling sessions. \u00a0He explained my counselor would be there to help me with skills and he would be there to help me with pills. \u00a0Yes, he rhymed. \u00a0We did talk about PTSD. \u00a0I wasn’t in a war I said. \u00a0He said what you witnessed at 2 am on July 18th, that is your war. \u00a0In addition to depression and grief, we can add symptoms of PTSD. \u00a0How am I going to work? \u00a0How will I find a new job? \u00a0How do you go to an interview, “don’t worry I only cry 8-10 times a day, but hire me”.<\/p>\n
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I have not written in nearly a month. \u00a0Not because I didn’t want to, but it never seemed the right time. \u00a0I was making a commitment to go to bed early, take my evening medicines according to Doctor’s instructions and just being painfully exhausted. \u00a0The beginning of October was a huge challenge. \u00a0On Monday the … <\/p>\n