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<\/p>\nI think this will be a lighter entry. \u00a0Today was hard. \u00a0Duh, they are all hard, but some are just harder. \u00a0It seems unfair because so far none are easier but so many are harder. \u00a0Totally off balance. \u00a0I know I have talked about the “Be”, but I want to revisit it and share a recent peek into my personality and behavior. \u00a0Knowing me, you know Hayley.<\/p>\n
In our kitchen we have Family Rules; Be thankful. Be kind. Be Funny. Etc. \u00a0This past Spring around the time of Hayley’s 19th birthday we started talking about tattoos. \u00a0She had met the all of the requirements for me to support a tattoo and keep her Dad from totally losing his shit. \u00a0She had to want the same tattoo for 3 years. \u00a0She had to have some college under her belt. \u00a0She had to be doing well in her classes. \u00a0She still wanted my heart rhythm on her wrist. \u00a0She kept asking me to get a print out and I kept “forgetting”. \u00a0I am not sure why I didn’t want her to do it. \u00a0I think I was uncomfortable with that amount of love being directed at me. \u00a0We talked about doing matching tattoos, a very small one. \u00a0I don’t have any and I am a big wimp. \u00a0We started Pinterest Boards. \u00a0We were looking at a minimalist wave. \u00a0We both loved the water, any body of water. \u00a0 She asked me what phrase I would use to represent what I wanted to accomplish. \u00a0I said I would do “Be Present”. \u00a0Having just lost my job I had realized how little time I was present. \u00a0There was the next school to get to, the next goal to meet, the emails to return, the work that had to be done late into the evening. \u00a0I was not present for my kids. \u00a0I was there, always there, but not truly present. \u00a0She said you always say Be like the sign in the kitchen. \u00a0You usually end calls or talks with “Be Something”. \u00a0Be good, Be nice to your brother, Be on time, Be strong, Be confident…it was always a “Be” she said or “make good choices”. \u00a0So we talked about a tattoo on our wrists “Be…”.<\/p>\n
The two weeks after we came home without her and before the service I was manic. \u00a0I was in a fog, numb and needed to be doing. \u00a0But then just as fast as I was busy I was sleeping. \u00a0I wanted her death to “be” meaningful. \u00a0I was learning more about how extraordinary her gifts to total strangers were. \u00a0I read the statistics. \u00a0I saw how many people die in our country every day waiting for an organ transplant. \u00a0I thought why can’t more people be like Hayley. \u00a0Bingo! \u00a0That was it hashtag (in my head I still call it a pound sign) be like Hayley was born. \u00a0Bracelets, we need them for the service. \u00a0I researched and reached out to a great company, they gave me such great service and made sure we got them on time.<\/p>\n
She was so much more than just her donations. \u00a0I was starting to hear from people, many I didn’t know, about how she had touched their lives. \u00a0I knew the target market for organ donation awareness is teenagers. \u00a0Once someone checks “yes” on their first license they rarely will go back and change it to a no. \u00a0But I had worked with teens for the past five years, I have studied them. \u00a0Teenagers are about how does this impact me, what is my role, and they want a cause. \u00a0I had this idea of an awareness campaign, a foundation, and a movement. \u00a0It is a long term goal but I was totally obsessed with at least starting off prepared. \u00a0I used #belikehayley on the bracelets. \u00a0To engage teens and adults, I chose some of Hayley’s strongest qualities. \u00a0Be Kind, Be Funny, Be Real. \u00a0The next batch will probably say Be an organ donor. \u00a0I purchased the domain for Be Like Hayley. \u00a0I snagged the Instagram, Facebook, Gmail and Twitter for be like Hayley. \u00a0I needed to be prepared for when I was strong enough to move forward with these ideas. \u00a0It gave me a sense of purpose those weeks. \u00a0I was so proud of who she was and what she accomplished. \u00a0The bracelets were my tattoo, the reminders of what I needed to be. \u00a0Scott loved the bracelets and he never takes his off. \u00a0This made me feel really good. \u00a0He is the introvert in this relationship. \u00a0People know me. \u00a0He had a spectacular relationship with Hayley but bottom line she was all about Mom. \u00a0What makes him amazing is that he didn’t mind. \u00a0He had his Hayley time that did not include me. \u00a0It was all good. \u00a0So here is an example of a typical Dawn experience. \u00a0I hope that any tears today reading this post will be from giggling too hard.<\/p>\n
The week prior to bringing Puppy Finn (@belikefinnthegolden on Instagram) home I had so much fun shopping for him. \u00a0I loved picking up little things for the kids. \u00a0I know Henry appreciates these little gifts in his own quiet 15 year old boy way. \u00a0But Hayley was always so thankful even if it just happen to be paperclips that matched her colors in her dorm bedding. \u00a0So I shopped for “the Puppy”, Scott had not told us the name yet. \u00a0To negotiate a yes, he got to pick the name. \u00a0I ordered some items off Amazon. \u00a0I asked the breeder what kind of food he was eating and picked that up at Mud Bay in addition to harness, treats, toys and balls! \u00a0I hope he likes tennis balls, our other dogs never would fetch. \u00a0Henry would love to have a dog that would fetch. \u00a0Just one that liked a few tosses here and there. \u00a0Not like my Brother’s dog that could fetch until he passed out from fatigue.<\/p>\n
I went to Homegoods. \u00a0I finally had a reason! \u00a0They have several aisles of pet items. \u00a0I picked out a very cute basket made of rope, so he could chew that too. \u00a0More toys to go in the basket. \u00a0YES! \u00a0There is the \u00a0matching food container to the one we already had. \u00a0I could make labels! \u00a0“Adult Dog Food” \u00a0“Puppy Dog Food” \u00a0I can be easily entertained. \u00a0I got him a blanket. \u00a0I smiled. \u00a0Hayley had a blanket fetish. \u00a0I have to say I also participated in this hobby. \u00a0We were at the point where we would have to sneak them in so we didn’t get the lecture from Scott. \u00a0“For every new blanket you have to get rid of two old ones”. \u00a0She loved her blankets. \u00a0I want to point out that he enjoys using them right now, like a hug from her. \u00a0She had snuck one in right before surgery. She needed a recovery blanket, she said. \u00a0It was on her when she was in the hospital. \u00a0My thoughts wandered and tears threatened. \u00a0That is when I saw gates. \u00a0Several panels that would stand up for large openings. \u00a0Most of them were wood. \u00a0Puppy would love to chew on that and then he will knock it over. \u00a0But there was two of the same, pretty metal within the wood frames. \u00a0It would be pretty in the family room. \u00a0But did we really need it? Would it be long enough? \u00a0I will go home and measure and come back if it will work, I will not go overboard (um too late Dawn) and wait.<\/p>\n
Second day of chasing the Puppy. \u00a0OMG, we need to do something. \u00a0I just want to stay in the family room and play with the puppy while I watched CNN. \u00a0I need to block that opening! \u00a0The sectional couch takes care of the other exit. \u00a0I need that gate. \u00a0Why didn’t I just buy it? \u00a0I know it is like Costco, you buy it when you see it cause every time it will be gone when you go back. \u00a0I picked Henry up from school. \u00a0I put him on \u00a0puppy duty and said I would be back in less than an hour. \u00a0Hardly.<\/p>\n
I was in my usual uniform of sweats and pony tail. \u00a0No make up, why bother it runs down your face when you cry. \u00a0I don’t think I had showered, I was uncertain if I brushed my teeth, and I was sweating like a waterfall! \u00a0I find the emotions and grief really wreck havoc with my hormones. \u00a0So I strode in with a purpose. \u00a0I was so excited, for the first time in days I could sit in my recliner and not have to get up for like a whole 15 minutes! \u00a0I grabbed a cart and headed towards the gates. \u00a0This is where it starts.<\/p>\n
There was my gate leaning up against the shelf. \u00a0Phew one is still there. \u00a0Hold up honey! \u00a0There squatted on the ground was a woman looking at the other gates while she had a deep discussion with clearly her Bestie. \u00a0My gate was at least 12 inches away from her. \u00a0It was not in a cart and no one had there hand on it. \u00a0This is where I should have been smart and fast. \u00a0I should have grabbed it, throw it in my cart and race to the check out. \u00a0But noooooooo. \u00a0I had to “Be Kind” like my bracelet said. \u00a0Is this your gate? \u00a0She snapped, “yes it is”. \u00a0Oh she didn’t have a bracelet. \u00a0She did not know it was Be Kind day.<\/p>\n
Me: \u00a0“Really, are you sure? \u00a0It looks like you are still deciding. \u00a0This is the one I had my heart set on. \u00a0It is the only one that will work for my puppy’s. \u00a0(smile, chuckle a little) this gate is the only way I am going to get any rest and I am so tired”<\/p>\n
Bitch: “I am buying them ALL”<\/p>\n
Bitch #2: ” I will go get you a cart”<\/p>\n
Me: ( a little surge of adrenaline hit me, oh it’s on) “Really cause it looks like you are still trying to decide” \u00a0“How about I wait here and if you don’t buy that one I will take it” \u00a0to bitch 2, “that is my cart”<\/p>\n
Bitch 2: \u00a0” I WASN’T going to take it” \u00a0Leaves in a huff. \u00a0Really cause you had your hands on it.<\/p>\n
I stood there in the aisle. \u00a0I was in the “gate section”, otherwise known as their space. \u00a0Bitch 1 kept glaring at me. \u00a0Bitch 2 was very uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
Hag 1: \u00a0” I am taking all of these, you don’t have to wait”<\/p>\n
Me: \u00a0“That is okay, I am just going to take a rest on this nice blue couch, maybe I will get lucky” \u00a0This is when I start typing in my group friend’s chat. \u00a0I tell them about the situation. \u00a0At this point I notice there are three gates laying on the shelf. \u00a0Not out where she was comparing the other 4 and my gate. \u00a0Well I have to have a gate. \u00a0So I invaded her space and grabbed all three, put them in my cart and then sat back on the blue couch to wait them out.<\/p>\n
I had heard Ho 1 say that maybe the short ones would be better because it would match the ones she already has. \u00a0She must have a small dog. \u00a0Probably an ugly Rat Terrier or one of those hairless things. \u00a0It probably can’t even do “sit”. \u00a0So this is when I realize that I am moving away from the messages on my bracelet.<\/p>\n
Ho 1 and Ho 2 whisper and load the remaining gates into their cart, I hear that they are going to take them over behind the framed art rows so they can lay them out and get a better look. \u00a0Clearly I was making them uncomfortable. \u00a0Good.<\/p>\n
This is when my wheels really start turning. \u00a0I realized that she was full of shit, she wasn’t buying all of those, and she was not going to choose my gate. \u00a0She just didn’t want me to have it. \u00a0Wow, I think, that is not very kind or nice. \u00a0I truly believe that she is going to take that gate and dump it on another aisle, probably bedding or framed art and hide it. \u00a0Do you know how I know? \u00a0Because a friend and me would do the exact same thing. \u00a0At that moment as that thought rolled around in my head, I looked at my messenger app, there it said “well we would do the same thing”. \u00a0Jinx!<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I was ready to admit defeat and see which one of the three I had would work. \u00a0Compared to my gate they were ugly. \u00a0I was so upset. \u00a0I went and picked a couple of dog toys to soothe myself. \u00a0There I see another low gate half hidden by toys. \u00a0Won’t work for me but pretty. \u00a0My messenger app was hopping like it was a party. \u00a0“You are not allowed to leave that store without that gate” \u00a0” get the gate” \u00a0” don’t let that bitch take your gate” \u00a0It seriously was like the cartoons where the angel sits on one shoulder and the devil on the other. \u00a0The angel says just get the ugly one and go home now while an hour has not past. \u00a0The therapist said that Henry needed us to be consistent and available. \u00a0I looked at my pound sign be like Hayley bracelet. \u00a0“Be Kind” too late I was already calling them names in my head. \u00a0“Be Real” okay I am going to do me. \u00a0I am smart. \u00a0I am going to Outwit, Outplay, Outlast these two assholes. \u00a0I wish I had a partner in crime, but I don’t, I am going to have to go it alone.<\/p>\n
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I am a Survivor fan, never missed an episode. \u00a0Hayley and I always watched it together. \u00a0Sometimes I caved and watched and she would find out. \u00a0She was scary when pissed. \u00a0This is the only show I watch every week. \u00a0Now I watch it with my cousin Sandy. \u00a0She lives in Vegas. \u00a0We record it and that night start it at the same time synching them up. \u00a0We let the commercials run so we can discuss what we saw on messenger. \u00a0She will be here next week and we can watch it in the same room! \u00a0 So this felt sort of like a contestant looking for the idol. \u00a0You have to look like you are not looking for the idol. \u00a0So I am on the hunt for the gate. \u00a0I truly believe there is no way they were still in the store, we were approaching the end of hour one. \u00a0I was convinced that gate\/idol was on one of the aisles. \u00a0I start on the right side of the store in the framed art. \u00a0I am hunting for my gate while I appear I am browsing the inspirational sayings art. \u00a0Oh look, a Winnie the Pooh quote, “you are braver than you think…” \u00a0Mind wanders, who was that directed at? \u00a0Must have been Piglet. \u00a0He was annoying. \u00a0Phone vibrates. \u00a0“Do you have the gate?” \u00a0“no”<\/p>\n
“Dawn step up your game. \u00a0You and I both know they dumped that gate. \u00a0Find it”<\/p>\n
” But I have to get home, I have been gone an hour and a half.”<\/p>\n
“It is good for him to take care of the puppy. \u00a0Find your gate”<\/p>\n
I move slowly towards sheets and towels. \u00a0I pick up a pack, discard it as if it was not the right size. \u00a0I circle to the other back corner. \u00a0Office supplies. \u00a0There are the pink metal desk sets Hayley and I got for her dorm desk. \u00a0Remember when she and I were here a year ago looking for the exact right things for her dorm room. \u00a0I was obsessed with it being perfect. \u00a0I was totally disappointed that her roommate did not want to match bedding. \u00a0Now I am crying in the back corner. \u00a0Trying to conceal it. \u00a0Through the haze of tears I spot the suspects with their gray roots showing. \u00a0They were browsing the dishes, holiday ones. \u00a0Good play. \u00a0That will waste a lot of time and look good. \u00a0She still has 5 gates in her cart. \u00a0I see mine. \u00a0I “happen” to cross their path. \u00a0“Oh Hi, you are still here. \u00a0Are you still planning on buying that gate?” “Really? \u00a0Oh darn, I will make do with these. \u00a0Hey I saw another one hidden on the toy aisle it is gray blue like the one you have there in the cart.” \u00a0 I saw her eyes light up but she plays it cool. \u00a0I see my bracelet “Be funny”. \u00a0“Yeah, I bet someone hid it there so they could go home and measure and then come back for it. \u00a0Funny huh?” \u00a0Insert awkward laugh. \u00a0Okay, it was kind of funny.<\/p>\n
I head towards the front of the store like I am heading to the cashier. \u00a0But I detour and find a comfy chair near the exit where I can observe the check out line. \u00a0I needed to see what was in that cart. \u00a0If my gate is not there then I know I need to stay and hunt it down. \u00a0If it is in the cart I must gracefully accept defeat. \u00a0I see my marks enter the line, but damnit, I can’t see their cart. \u00a0I am just going to have to “Be Real” and just go get in line and look. \u00a0About this time I see Hag 1 walking towards me carrying my gate!!!! \u00a0She is holding it on the side I was sitting so she didn’t see me. \u00a0She looked so smug. \u00a0I let her get past my chair. \u00a0I dramatically turn in my seat, “oh hey, are you not getting that gate!”. \u00a0I have never seen someone so obviously flustered. \u00a0She recovered quickly and with narrowed eyes said “Wow, I am so glad you are still here. \u00a0I was hoping I would find you” \u00a0Uh huh. “I am getting that blue gate you told me about”<\/p>\n
“Terrific, hooray for us we are both happy, I am so glad I could find that for you”. \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0I take the gate from her, damn it is heavy. \u00a0I add it to my three other gates. \u00a0I head back towards the pet section where I put back the three I was hoarding. ![\"\"](\"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/23600872_10215625605101990_1245208435_o-169x300.jpg\")
I head to the check out. \u00a0Shit, there they are at Cashier number one. \u00a0“ding, Cashier two is ready”. \u00a0I head down that way as they are moving towards the door. \u00a0Guess how many gates are in their cart? \u00a0ONE, just ONE fucking gate. \u00a0I am buying them all; Bullshit. \u00a0I can’t believe we were right, they were doing exactly what I thought they were and on top of that they ditched the other gates somewhere in the store! \u00a0Wow. \u00a0I was sort of impressed.<\/p>\n
I head out with my prize and there they are in separate cars parked in the adjacent spots from me. \u00a0I know they notice I only have one gate in my cart. \u00a0I see that their mouths are gaping, one has her hands on her hips. \u00a0I load my gate with a flourish and climb into my Explorer and message “mission accomplished, I am the sole survivor”. \u00a0I made a little victory fist in my car as I drove off.<\/p>\n
I get home and set it up. \u00a0An angry Henry says you were gone two hours! \u00a0Sorry Henry I had an adventure, I start to tell him the story because I would be on the phone to Hayley immediately to tell her how badly her mother behaved. \u00a0I think I got two sentences in and Henry said “Mom I really don’t care”, as he looks at the price sticker. \u00a0You spent a hundred bucks on this! \u00a0Yep and I bet you will all be thanking me in a couple of days. \u00a0But don’t tell dad, get the sticker off. \u00a0Scott walks in, “What is that?” \u00a0“Our Sanity” I say. \u00a0Henry says “Mom spent 100 bucks on it”. \u00a0Traitor.<\/p>\n
Three days later as Scott and I relax in our reclining sectional, watching the puppy play with water bottles in his giant play pen. \u00a0Scott says, “I love that gate” \u00a0 Me too. \u00a0Me too.<\/p>\n
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<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I think this will be a lighter entry. \u00a0Today was hard. \u00a0Duh, they are all hard, but some are just harder. \u00a0It seems unfair because so far none are easier but so many are harder. \u00a0Totally off balance. \u00a0I know I have talked about the “Be”, but I want to revisit it and share a … <\/p>\n