{"id":163,"date":"2017-12-01T07:49:05","date_gmt":"2017-12-01T07:49:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/?p=163"},"modified":"2017-12-01T07:49:05","modified_gmt":"2017-12-01T07:49:05","slug":"giving-thanks-when-you-are-not-thankful","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/2017\/12\/01\/giving-thanks-when-you-are-not-thankful\/","title":{"rendered":"Giving thanks when you are not thankful"},"content":{"rendered":"

The feedback that I have received on this blog\/journal has been humbling, exciting, satisfying and embarrassing. \u00a0I started this as a way to express myself and not hide my grief from myself or my friends. \u00a0I was receiving text, calls and messages wanting to know what I needed and how it was going. \u00a0I figured I would save time and put some of that information in my writing.<\/p>\n

Thanksgiving week I needed more, I needed someone in my house with me for the Thanksgiving week. \u00a0I am very alone in my own home, yet I don’t easily accept any invitations for company or to leave the house. \u00a0It is an epic example of you can’t win. \u00a0People ask, I say ‘no’ or I cancel at the last minute when the thought of dressing and showering is just too much to handle. \u00a0Some days I can’t tell you what day of the week it is or when I showered last. \u00a0I barely move. \u00a0I finally charged my fit bit and I barely hit 2,000 steps. \u00a0This is one of the many faces of grief. \u00a0That face never has make up on.<\/p>\n

\"\"Many encouraged the puppy as a therapy dog for me. \u00a0I can’t sleep in, or go back to bed with a canine baby set on destroying our home and tormenting my older dogs. \u00a0I have never been a morning person but guess who is up between 5:30 to 6:00 every fucking morning. \u00a0Yep, that adorable puppy. \u00a0All of us are so in love with this little bundle of fluff. \u00a0He has me moving a little more each day. \u00a0He knows when we need a hug and when we need to play. \u00a0He loves anyone he meets. \u00a0I watch him interact with others and my family. \u00a0I think to myself we all should be like Finn. \u00a0Everything makes him happy. \u00a0Zoey growls at him or Charlie hides upstairs because he doesn’t want to play with Finn, but he does a doggy shrug and moves on. \u00a0I wish I could do that. \u00a0I wish I could fall asleep as fast as he does. \u00a0(except at night in the crate) \u00a0I wish I was entertained by chasing leaves blown by the wind. \u00a0I am trying to be like Finn. \u00a0He even has an instagram. \u00a0this has been a great distraction. \u00a0@belikefinnthegolden \u00a0@belikehayley<\/p>\n

I had been dreading Thanksgiving week. \u00a0I didn’t know what or who I needed to make it tolerable. \u00a0 I had instilled my love of holidays and traditions in Hayley. \u00a0In fact she was the keeper and the hall monitor of traditions. \u00a0If we ever tried to stray from one without her permission the turkey shit would hit the fan. \u00a0I knew we would do Salty’s at Alki for the amazing holiday buffet. \u00a0It got a little confusing who would go with us, because I knew it could not be the three of us. \u00a0Can you imagine? \u00a0Me, a 15 year old boy and an introvert husband. \u00a0There is not enough Xanax. \u00a0I didn’t know who I needed. \u00a0Some on that short list were not available. \u00a0I was chatting on line about life and Satly’s and how amazing it was with my cousin. \u00a0That is when she said (about two weeks prior) how about Maddie and me come up next Saturday and leave late on Thanksgiving? \u00a0The airfare is cheap. \u00a0Really? \u00a0Sandy is not the most spontaneous person. \u00a0This would be the second time this year she has come to spend time with me after years of me going to see her in Las Vegas. \u00a0It made sense, that was where our grandma was. \u00a0That is not counting the two trips she made for Hayley. \u00a0 I got a bonus with her daughter wanting to come too. \u00a0I immediately felt more calm, more ready to handle the week. \u00a0It made me feel very loved. \u00a0It was so nice to have a teen girl in the house again, heck it was exciting to have the girls outnumber the boys. \u00a0We brunched, got mani and pedis, visited a poinsettia nursery, ate lots of Maddie’s new favorite Top Pot Donuts, spent hours painting rocks and talking and relaxed with the puppy. \u00a0\"\"When I needed a rest they loved watching Finn for me.\"\"<\/p>\n

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I had spoken the week before with a representative at Salty’s about our situation. \u00a0We had tried to add more to our reservation to include Sara’s family but that was not happening. \u00a0I wanted to see if they could put us somewhere out of the high traffic areas. \u00a0I was worried how I would react to the crowd. \u00a0People are dangerous at buffets. \u00a0\"\"The man on the phone was amazing. \u00a0He thanked me for telling him about our tradition and our family’s sorrow. \u00a0He seemed sincere in his happiness we were still going. \u00a0We had an extra seat at the table. \u00a0Instead of having her seat empty we filled it with one of her favorite people. \u00a0So there we were, an eclectic group of “family” waiting. \u00a0Three McCutcheons, two Cousins and a homeroom teacher! \u00a0When I checked us in I was feeling overwhelmed by the people and the surreal feeling that Hayley was not standing next to me planning her buffet strategy. \u00a0The hostess said “Welcome, we have been waiting for you”. \u00a0Uh, okay. \u00a0I sat with my group and the hostess came to ask if we minded waiting 20 minutes for a view table so that our out of town relatives could enjoy the city and water view. \u00a0Of course we didn’t we were all together chatting, even Henry, so we could wait. \u00a0Again she returned and asked if I could come with her to look at our options. \u00a0She said they had two VIP tables that would be available shortly. \u00a0She held my hand as we worked our way towards the water view. \u00a0I chose a wonderful table. \u00a0\"\"I did feel like a Very Important Person. \u00a0I was, I am Hayley’s Mom. \u00a0Everyone ate until they couldn’t eat another bite. \u00a0We visited the Macy’s Parade Nutcrackers like we do every year. \u00a0\"\"We walked as far as we could along the water without puking. \u00a0Just like all the other years. \u00a0Just like our old tradition but also new traditions. \u00a0The 10 dollar ceramic turkey from Fred Meyers was on the table. \u00a0I slipped a few apple dumplings in a baggie in my purse just like Hayley would have. \u00a0(probably not continuing that one)\"\"<\/p>\n

When it was time for Sandy and Maddie to leave that night again the curtain of grief descended. \u00a0I had 5 days of a reprieve. \u00a0It was not without grief. \u00a0Maddie missed her cousin. \u00a0I felt like I mothered a little for a teen girl. \u00a0I missed it. \u00a0When it was time for them to leave I weeped in Sandy’s arms. \u00a0I just wanted her to never leave. \u00a0We compliment each other, we get each other.<\/p>\n

So was I thankful on Thanksgiving? \u00a0The week leading up to it I saw people posting “thankful” or “blessed” posts on social media. \u00a0I actually did the finger gag sign even though I was always alone. \u00a0I thought “Gag me, shove your thankful shit up your asses”. \u00a0Nice huh? \u00a0I was not thankful or blessed. \u00a0How could I be? \u00a0My daughter is dead. \u00a0Nothing compares. \u00a0Nothing makes me feel blessed. \u00a0I know others feel like this without a death in their family. \u00a0Maybe they had a bad year, maybe they are going through a divorce or lost their job. \u00a0So how do we feel thankful on the holiday that is all about that feeling. \u00a0I started with the obvious and was very blunt in my self conversation. \u00a0I didn’t want to think about being thankful at all with Hayley gone. \u00a0It felt like an insult to her and her memory. \u00a0I started with a list.<\/p>\n

The thought bubble over my head read “fine let’s fucking try this, I know it will be dumb”. \u00a0I am thankful for…<\/p>\n