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<\/p>\nOne thing that Hayley inherited from me was the love of the water. \u00a0Specifically the Washington and Oregon Coast. \u00a0We spent hours looking for sand dollars; we have them in clear jars all over the house. \u00a0She had sand from Cannon Beach in a jar. \u00a0We went every year since she was 6 months old. \u00a0I don’t know when I can go, but I will bring a part of her ashes there some day. \u00a0 We had planned to get small wave tattoos in August. \u00a0She didn’t know I had made the appointment. \u00a0When I was convincing her to go small with the first one and do it as a team I would send her images and words to remind her what the wave tattoo would mean to us. \u00a0Like “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.” \u00a0“she is tossed by the sea but does not sink” \u00a0” mightier than the waves is my love for you”. \u00a0Who knew all of these images and words would become so meaningful to me. \u00a0Here are some of the images I text her on a daily basis. \u00a0I always sent her something like this every day. \u00a0Not all were inspirational!<\/p>\n
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The ocean will always be our place. \u00a0I crave the sound of the ocean.<\/p>\n
The one that says “Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming but we can choose which ones to surf” \u00a0That is so applicable to this grief. \u00a0The problem is that I have not learned which ones to surf. \u00a0All feel like giant waves that toss me around until I am exhausted. \u00a0This grief is not getting better it is getting profoundly worse. \u00a0I am wondering why? \u00a0I think the first half of this four months I was manic. \u00a0Find ways to honor Hayley. \u00a0There was a constant stream of food, friends and love on our porch. \u00a0I am so blessed because that still happens but less frequently. \u00a0AND WAIT, before you rush over to put something on my porch, I am not asking you to do that. \u00a0I believe that constant in your face support and care, well that holds you up like having a bar on either side of you to hold on to. \u00a0Now it is much quieter. \u00a0The quiet brings memories. \u00a0It brings Hayley to me. The quiet brings the grief.<\/p>\n
It comes in waves. \u00a0A trigger makes you catch your breath as the first wave hits your body and your mind. \u00a0You gasp at the force and the pain of that wave. Then it recedes and the next one comes. \u00a0All you can do is ride the wave and brace yourself.<\/p>\n
My body and mind are never truly at rest. \u00a0Recently I have what I can only describe as a storm. \u00a0Waves that come too close together, I can’t catch my breath. \u00a0Twice this has happen in the car. \u00a0Once was just the thought out of the blue ocean of grief, If we had chosen to take her to the ER in Seattle instead of Issaquah on July 11th she would likely still be here. \u00a0Such a small decision at the time. \u00a0The doctor said Seattle, Hayley said Issaquah. \u00a0I knew they would move her by ambulance to Seattle where they have more depth if she needed bigger care.<\/p>\n
They did not move her.<\/p>\n
This one decision haunts me. \u00a0When that wave hit it was a shock. \u00a0I could not control the emotions associated with those choices. \u00a0All I could do was sit in the car and scream her name. \u00a0The other time this week my brain played back the reel of watching her die. \u00a0Watching them give her CPR while I was restrained by Scott. \u00a0The two of us made this beautiful human and we watched her go. \u00a0I could hear as I was driving home on Friday my screams and Scott’s sobbing. \u00a0I called Sara and all I had to say was “talk me down”. \u00a0She did. \u00a0I don’t know if that is PTSD, but it is all consuming. \u00a0I am terrified of when that wave may come again. \u00a0It is so overwhelming.<\/p>\n
How will I work? \u00a0Financially I have to be back to work by February or we will be in a stressful situation. \u00a0We are so grateful for the go fund me page and our communities generosity. \u00a0No one does financial planning for the death of a child. \u00a0You have to make sure you would have the ability to not work for at least the 14 weeks Scott had. \u00a0So how do I interview, how do I sell myself to a company. \u00a0How do I make them see past my grief and know that I am talented and a hard worker? \u00a0I don’t know. \u00a0The thought of working on my resume and interviews makes me shiver and hyperventilate. \u00a0I hold my breath until the panic passes. \u00a0How do I sit down and write about myself in a way that makes someone pick up my resume over another. \u00a0Joe Schmo won’t have this underlying disabling grief. \u00a0I can not imagine doing anything other than trying to survive each day. \u00a0Can I find a job that pays me to breathe?<\/p>\n
I want to open a business. \u00a0Hayley and I had a business plan ready to go. \u00a0We even called on property. \u00a0We wanted to know how much it would take and how long before we could save the seed money. \u00a0It was such a wonderful way to teach her and share what I learned in college as a Business Major. \u00a0Just as I loved hearing about her classes and how excited she was for the ones she had in the fall. \u00a0Her friends are starting to come home for break. \u00a0She should be here, she should be in her room with her night time routine of “Lock Up” on her tv. \u00a0She should have been there to admire Henry as he tried his new tux on. \u00a0She would be driving down Wednesday for his first Band Concert. \u00a0I have no doubt she would do this. \u00a0Our dream was to open a storefront, a self service dog wash. \u00a0A place dog lovers can gather and bath their pets and let us deal with the mess. \u00a0We had retail sales planned and the name. \u00a0Bark Club. \u00a0We had clever marketing ready to go. \u00a0Another dream that ended with Hayley.<\/p>\n
She and I were planners. \u00a0If we were going on vacation we had to know the plan. \u00a0We had planned to rent a small RV and start visiting National Parks for one month next summer. \u00a0Our goal was to visit all of the National Parks. \u00a0We planned to visit Cannon Beach. \u00a0We talked about another boat trip with my parents. \u00a0Our love of the trip we had to Cape Cod.<\/p>\n
Before her July 11th surgery we had her decor, bedding and kitchen gear all ready to go for her new apartment. \u00a0There are boxes in a storage unit marked “Hayley’s Apartment”. \u00a0She was ready for her Sophomore year in a way that made us so proud to be her Parents. \u00a0She was starting to show the drive that I had at her age. \u00a0I was so happy to see my gene pool kicking in.<\/p>\n
I don’t even know where I am going with this one, \u00a0I have lost the thread. \u00a0The ocean…waves represent to me the emotions that are constantly hitting me and withdrawing. \u00a0The tide is the change in attitude that happens constantly. \u00a0It can be only a few times a day like the Tide or it could be hourly. \u00a0You pray the tide goes out quickly so you can pick up the pieces and wait for the next wave to hit<\/p>\n
My brain has been exploring the differences between father and mother. \u00a0Scott and I are totally opposites. \u00a0Not the best subjects for these thoughts. \u00a0I don’t think he or any father can ever understand the bond a mother has with her child. \u00a0I do not take for granted or ignore the bond Scott had with Hayley. \u00a0He worked hard to stay close with her. \u00a0We knew raising a successful teen takes an involved father. \u00a0But when that child has come from your body there is no comparison. \u00a0She may have been 19 years old but it feels as if she was ripped from my womb. \u00a0I feel the waves hit me. \u00a0I can close my eyes and feel her moving inside me, I can pull the memory of laying my hands on my huge belly and talking to her about how fantastic life would be. \u00a0We didn’t know if it was a boy or girl. \u00a0But my heart told me girl. \u00a0She lived inside my body for 36 weeks. \u00a0While there she took a piece of my heart with her. \u00a0I just don’t think Scott can understand the physical pain that I feel inside of my body. \u00a0From day one she had me smitten. \u00a0You love your child, but I honestly liked her. \u00a0Physically I feel the missing piece every day in my Fibromyalgia pain, I feel it with my stiffness, I feel her loss in my stuff nose from crying on my sleep. \u00a0My heart aches. \u00a0She took some of it with her just like the waves take sand and toss it into the ocean. \u00a0I may find it again walking on a beach, but for now I am not whole. \u00a0I am desperately trying not to drown. \u00a0I am standing strong against the pounding of those waves.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
One thing that Hayley inherited from me was the love of the water. \u00a0Specifically the Washington and Oregon Coast. \u00a0We spent hours looking for sand dollars; we have them in clear jars all over the house. \u00a0She had sand from Cannon Beach in a jar. \u00a0We went every year since she was 6 months old. … <\/p>\n