{"id":210,"date":"2017-12-17T04:32:04","date_gmt":"2017-12-17T04:32:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/?p=210"},"modified":"2017-12-17T04:32:04","modified_gmt":"2017-12-17T04:32:04","slug":"arizona-lampoon-vacation-day-1-1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/2017\/12\/17\/arizona-lampoon-vacation-day-1-1\/","title":{"rendered":"Arizona Lampoon Vacation – Day 1.1"},"content":{"rendered":"

“This is no longer a vacation. \u00a0It’s a Quest. \u00a0It’s a Quest for fun. \u00a0You’re gonna have fun, and I’m gonna have fun…We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun we’re gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You\u2019ll be whistling \u201cZip-A-Dee Doo-Dah\u201d out of your assholes! I must be crazy! I\u2019m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!\u201d \u2013 Clark\"\"<\/em><\/p>\n

My favorite line from National Lampoon Vacation. \u00a0This was going through my head as I was squished in a middle seat between a nice, but larger than me gal and a tiny little dude with a puffy Patagonia coat and his shoes off. \u00a0I was sweating my ass off, wtf? \u00a0I had spent the night packing for all three of us, knowing I forgot everything and trying to pack on a carry on items for 70 degrees and 34 degrees. \u00a0I didn’t get my house cleaned up, it is a disaster left for the wonderful dog sitter. \u00a0This guilt was weighing me down, Scott was annoyed about it. \u00a0I think he thinks I do nothing all day. \u00a0I watch the puppy and cry, this is a big job.<\/p>\n

I got into the seat and literally could not move, could not get any entertainment options out of my bag. \u00a0I was faced with reading all the materials in the back of the seat pocket. \u00a0I also located the barf bag and got it handy. \u00a0Not because I had to barf, but I always do that to freak out my seat mates and maybe gain me some more distances as they shrink away from my perceived germs. \u00a0I had had a bloody nose earlier in the day so I needed to get my little Kleenex packet out of my pant’s pocket. \u00a0Yes the little packets my mother carries in her purse. \u00a0Sigh. \u00a0I tried so hard to get it out without elbowing her in the boob, all while touching her ample cheeks and no go. \u00a0She offered to help me and asked; is it in the front pocket. \u00a0I hesitated and thought to myself, I am sweating my ass off so probably don’t smell my best and so would blood all over the front of me be the deal breaker. \u00a0When you travel on Buddy Passes your behavior reflects on the employee, my sister in law in this case. \u00a0So yeah, do you mind? \u00a0She reaches into my front pocket and I was realizing that as Clark said “I must be crazy”. \u00a0I was just so thankful my brother across the aisle in the other middle seat was not paying attention with his lovely headphones on. \u00a0I apologized for the fact that we were basically sharing two seats and we needed three. \u00a0I thought she said “That’s okay, I have five kids so I am used to not having personal space”. \u00a0I was shocked as she didn’t look that old but who knows. \u00a0I said “Wow, five, I bet you get no privacy when you go to the bathroom”. \u00a0I groaned internally, ugh, Dawn, she just had her hand in your jogger pants pocket, did you have to mention privacy. \u00a0She then proceeded to tell me about how her dog and cat don’t let her go to the bathroom alone, the story was in great detail. \u00a0I was very confused. \u00a0You have five kids and you are concerned about the dog watching you pee? \u00a0Of course she showed me pictures of the pets. \u00a0I told her I had 4, she kind of stopped talking to me after that. \u00a0I could hear her saying in her head “crazy dog lady”. \u00a0It was not until later that I realized she had said she was one of five kids growing up. \u00a0My hearing is going, add it to the other middle age woes.<\/p>\n

So for weeks we have been “discussing” what to do for the Holiday season. \u00a0I had been told by many that the first Holidays are awful. \u00a0I always responded in my head, in my snarky voice, how can it possible be more awful than it is right now? \u00a0Well guess what boys and girls, it can get worse and it has gotten worse. \u00a0All I know is I need this last two weeks of this shitty year to go by as fast as possible. \u00a0We have had discussions in therapy about it. \u00a0Here is what each person thinks of going on a vacation when I brought it up.<\/p>\n

Me<\/strong> – I want to go to D.C., neither of the boys have been, hotels are cheap this time of year and it is not crowded because it is cold. \u00a0I don’t care. \u00a0I prefer bundling up, over crowds. \u00a0But we are going somewhere and we are going to fucking bond as a three person family. \u00a0Another first that needs the bandaid ripped off. \u00a0It is going to be a fucking “Quest for Fun”. \u00a0If we are not home on Christmas all the better. \u00a0Why stare at each other the morning of Christmas wondering which of the kids will find the green frog that indicates who opens the first present. \u00a0Will we leave her stocking empty? \u00a0Do we still go to the zoo?<\/p>\n

Scott<\/strong> – How much will it cost? You don’t have a job. \u00a0It is important to me we are home Christmas day. \u00a0I don’t want to be cold. \u00a0I want to go somewhere warm. \u00a0But when you ask me I can’t tell you where and I clearly don’t understand how long it takes to plan a vacation. \u00a0It can not be done the week before. \u00a0It is more expensive if you wait.<\/p>\n

Henry<\/strong> – I don’t want to go any where. \u00a0I want to stay home. \u00a0I don’t want to waste half my Christmas break on vacation. \u00a0(“With you guys” was implied)<\/p>\n

The Dogs<\/strong> – What is a vacation? Who will feed us?<\/p>\n

I was losing my mind. \u00a0My wonderful sister in law had offered us buddy passes for our airfare. \u00a0Which means you have to be flexible. \u00a0If it was Hayley I could convince her to go to the airport with me and we pick a flight to anywhere we could go with open seats. \u00a0The boys, flexibility and spontaneity is not a strong part of their personalities. \u00a0Going with the flow, not a quote in their vocabulary. \u00a0I felt so lonely without my half of the family. \u00a0So yes I was feeling crazy and almost ready to give up the Quest.<\/p>\n

I suggested Arizona and got a less than enthusiastic “maybe”. \u00a0So I reached out to my Facebook community asking for suggestions of where to go. \u00a0That is when my wonderful BFF from Junior High offered to add me to his friends and family for Hilton, half off hotels. \u00a0I started to feel hopeful with all this generosity we could make it happen. \u00a0I made it happen and ironically it didn’t all come together until the week before. \u00a0So Friday the 15th we left Seattle and flew to Phoenix arriving near midnight. \u00a0The plan is stay near the airport Friday night or what was left of it. \u00a0Two rooms near the airport, one for Kevin and Henry and one for Scott and I. \u00a0Top Golf was on the itinerary.<\/p>\n

This reminds me that I really struggle with the generosity we have received. \u00a0The Go Fund Me Account gave both Scott and I the chance to be home where we needed to be for 12 weeks. \u00a0The list of kindness is so long and deserves to be its own discussion. \u00a0This is the Arizona Lampoon Vacation Journal.<\/p>\n

So back to Day One. \u00a0We were arriving in Arizona at midnight their time. \u00a0I had to explain to both boys that it was 11 to us. \u00a0My brother and I wanted to rally and go to Top Golf which is this amazing place. \u00a0Golf driving range on crack. \u00a0I was still wedged in my middle seat. \u00a0I had bought the last two cheese platters, one for me and please flight attendant can you bring the other to my son in row 16. \u00a0Visions of Henry hungry, wedged and uncomfortable made me decide to go for a walk to check on him and try to keep myself from getting a second DVT. \u00a0Tiny dude with stinky feet and no shoes would not get up. \u00a0He thought that I could squeeze by him if he turned his legs sideways. \u00a0I desperately pondered should I face him and appear that I was straddling him. \u00a0With his size and my girth this would put my privates directly in his face and I knew that I would not keep my balance with my stiff legs. \u00a0I could turn the other way and pull on blondie’s seat and have my sweaty ass in little dude’s face. \u00a0Appealing but now I realize that he has left his shoes, I note abnormally large for his size, in the aisle. \u00a0I said politely “Unless you want me to trip please move your SHOES”. \u00a0He finally gets the hint and gets out of the seat. \u00a0I hope the thought of going to the potty makes him need to go so I can pull my bag out and get my phone charger so I can get on it and stop trying to cop glimpses of the vampire show my gal friend was watching on her iPad. \u00a0I did share my cheese plate with her. \u00a0I figured that was the right thing to do since she had had her hand in my pocket. \u00a0I tried not to land in someone’s lap as I stiffly walked back towards my husband and son. \u00a0I was hoping it was not horrible for them too, or I would hear about it. \u00a0BOTH were in exit rows. \u00a0You know, with extra leg room. \u00a0You have to be kidding me. \u00a0I asked Henry if he enjoyed his platter and offered to take his garbage. \u00a0Three other travelers in the area also handed me their garbage. \u00a0Are you fucking kidding me. \u00a0Then the cart has blocked my path by two rows. \u00a0They suggest I go to First Class. \u00a0So balancing garbage and empty glasses I try not to fall as the plane bounces around. \u00a0I make it up front and into the head. \u00a0Where I DO NOT pee. \u00a0I sat on the closed lid to take a rest. \u00a0I stayed for a reasonable amount of time wondering what possessed Boeing to put mirrors on all sides so that you can enjoy how shitty you really look traveling. \u00a0As I stared at my PMS acne, bags under my eyes, and all the new gray hair; I realized we should have stayed home. \u00a0I cried for Hayley. \u00a0I could hear all her smart ass comments. \u00a0I should have gone on vacation alone. \u00a0I should have taken one of the dogs. \u00a0What the fuck was I thinking. \u00a0“I’m Crazy. Praise Red Rocks and 64 degrees! \u00a0Holy Shit” — Dawn<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“This is no longer a vacation. \u00a0It’s a Quest. \u00a0It’s a Quest for fun. \u00a0You’re gonna have fun, and I’m gonna have fun…We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun we’re gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You\u2019ll be whistling \u201cZip-A-Dee Doo-Dah\u201d out of your assholes! I must be crazy! I\u2019m on … <\/p>\n

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