{"id":247,"date":"2017-12-23T19:23:38","date_gmt":"2017-12-23T19:23:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/?p=247"},"modified":"2017-12-23T19:23:38","modified_gmt":"2017-12-23T19:23:38","slug":"the-grand-canyon-of-grief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/2017\/12\/23\/the-grand-canyon-of-grief\/","title":{"rendered":"The Grand Canyon of Grief"},"content":{"rendered":"

Tuesday of the Arizona vacation was the Grand Canyon. \u00a0I was so excited to share it with Scott. \u00a0He had never been. \u00a0I kind of thought that seeing the Grand Canyon as a kid was a parenting requirement. \u00a0When I was a kid my Mom and Stepdad took us. \u00a0I refer to that as the trip from hell. \u00a0The way we travelled was pretty special. \u00a0My stepdad is a pilot. \u00a0Some rent RVs and travel to the G.C., nope ours flew in a banana yellow, four seater antique plane called a Balanca (spelling?). \u00a0It had Beige Velour seats. \u00a0I remember a stop in Reno. \u00a0I remember camping in a tent at an airfield. \u00a0(it was freezing) \u00a0But the worse part was being stuck in the backseat of this small plane with my baby brother. \u00a0Remember, no iPhones, video games, no music, no earbuds. We didn’t even have walkmans yet. \u00a0Just me and my 3-4 year old brother. \u00a0You can’t just pull over when the little one needs a break. \u00a0At one of our stops, my mom did the brilliant move of feeding him a tuna fish sandwich. \u00a0The temperature in the plane was not an even cabin controlled temperature. \u00a0This leg it happened to be quite warm in that back seat and we had some turbulence. \u00a0Yes, you got it. \u00a0Kevin puked Tuna Fish all over me and the back seat (velour). \u00a0I can still smell it to this day. \u00a0It was one of those memories that was branded into my brain. \u00a0The second memory was how absolutely stunning the Grand Canyon was. \u00a0How small I felt. \u00a0How lucky I was to see it from a plane. \u00a0To see a perspective that not many kids saw. \u00a0It was fantastic. \u00a0But then we had to fly back. \u00a0I do believe I am not a fan of Tuna because of that trip.<\/p>\n

My cousin and I drove from Vegas and took our three kids several years ago. \u00a0We had reserved two nights at a local hotel. \u00a0We really thought you needed several days to see the G.C. \u00a0Wrong. \u00a0One was good. \u00a0The kids were awesome, we walked really far on the South Rim Trail. \u00a0Henry was young and still sweet. \u00a0He wanted to be like Mom back then. \u00a0He had my extra point and shoot camera and took photos that actually rivaled mine with my Cannon. \u00a0I honestly can’t tell which I shot and which were his. \u00a0We ate lunch at the historic El Tovar Hotel. \u00a0Hayley really enjoyed this trip. \u00a0Parenting requirement, Grand Canyon, check. \u00a0Hayley was constantly asking when we were going to take Dad. \u00a0She said he needed to see it. \u00a0I felt excited to be on our way there.<\/p>\n

We had not seen it all, you never can. \u00a0But I took the boys on a different route. \u00a0I have not walked more than 2-3 thousand steps a day for months. \u00a0It hurts. \u00a0I didn’t want to hold us back. \u00a0I sucked it up and walked about 5 miles that day. \u00a0Scott and Henry seemed just as tired as I was. \u00a0I couldn’t tell if it was truly physical or just our minds slowed down our bodies as we thought about who was missing. \u00a0The best part was driving the Hermit route. \u00a0I didn’t even know it existed past the parking lot. \u00a0It was a view that included the Colorado River. \u00a0\"\"It was truly stunning. \u00a0But it was also where I really went down one of those mental rabbit holes. \u00a0 The Grand Canyon claims many lives every year. \u00a0Falls are common. \u00a0Most of the Rim trail you can walk right up to the edge and look down. \u00a0One clumsy moment, one selfie attempt and it is all over. \u00a0At the look outs they have a metal rail, thin and around waist high on me. \u00a0At the last few stops I stood alone at the rail. \u00a0I gripped it tight and weeped at the injustice of this tragedy. \u00a0I stared through the tears at this huge abyss of beauty. \u00a0I thought to myself, my grief would fill this canyon. \u00a0How do I recover from something so massive. \u00a0I truly believe I never will. As I gripped the rail I thought about how would it feel to just let go. \u00a0Let go of the rail, let go of the grief and just fly. \u00a0I leaned a little forward. \u00a0The landscape below and in front of me was breathtaking. \u00a0It didn’t look real. \u00a0It looked like a painting. \u00a0If I let go would it feel right, would I feel free from this heavy rock of grief I carry. \u00a0Henry and Scott were further down the trail. \u00a0They wouldn’t noticed, they would not witness my choice. \u00a0I leaned a little more but kept a firm grip on the rail. \u00a0The idea of letting go was so appealing I began to shake. \u00a0The tears started as soon as I had gripped the rail. \u00a0Could I do it? \u00a0What would that do to Henry? \u00a0Would it screw him up for the rest of his life. \u00a0He already has to live with grief that will eventually sneak up on him and take him down. \u00a0I knew I would not let go, but the fact that my mind went down that road scared the shit out of me. \u00a0The clouds, the blue sky, Hayley was there because I was completely open at that moment, able to let in all of the emotions I constantly fight to keep locked down. \u00a0My heart said to let go. \u00a0My mind ran through all of the practical consequences. \u00a0I don’t have a job, or life insurance. \u00a0I would leave them in a bad situation financially. \u00a0Scott would have to get them home. \u00a0I kind of laughed, he really sucks at the details. \u00a0They would probably get on the wrong plane. \u00a0What would happen to my dogs? \u00a0I still need to meet the woman with my daughter’s heart. \u00a0I thought about how so many women I know would be so pissed. \u00a0Like really really pissed. \u00a0This journal is about honesty. \u00a0This is truly honest. \u00a0I don’t think Scott noticed my plight. \u00a0The above scenario happened at three different points along that trail. \u00a0It only happen when there was a railing to grasp. \u00a0That told me I was safe, I would not let go. \u00a0If I was going to let go it would be were there was not a railing, a lifeline to hang on to.<\/p>\n

I don’t believe in God. \u00a0If it is true then he or she is an asshole for ripping out half of my heart. \u00a0I do believe that our spirit is a part of nature. \u00a0I believe that we are tied to this earth in ways that we can not see with our eyes. \u00a0I am the one that loves to see the clouds change. \u00a0I notice the color of the leaves. \u00a0I was constantly pointing it out to my kids. \u00a0I would get on their cases about putting the phones down and look around. \u00a0Look at the beautiful place we live. \u00a0Notice the person walking their dog, notice the cool clouds, imagine what they look like. \u00a0Use as much of your brain as you can. \u00a0We only use so little of our brain, how can there not possibly be more after death. \u00a0But I believe those feelings I have of her presence come from my own brain and my heart. \u00a0I believe the ones that we love the most imprint themselves on our souls. \u00a0A biological daughter has literally come out of your body, lived inside your body, was created inside your body, that is a connection that can never be broken. \u00a0That is what I am feeling. \u00a0I can’t explain some things like the Bee. \u00a0I can’t explain the Medium we witnessed. \u00a0There is always an explanation that is scientific and concrete and one that is based on emotions. \u00a0But I believe that a child leaves a piece of themselves, cells, inside of your body. \u00a0I feel this grief has activated those cells. \u00a0My womb, that part of my body physically aches every single day. \u00a0I can remember exactly how I felt being pregnant with Hayley. \u00a0We struggled to conceive. \u00a0Maybe that is the reason she was so special. \u00a0\"\"<\/p>\n

We returned to the resort. \u00a0We had a routine. \u00a0I would shower and we would all head to the bar. \u00a0I would sit with my \u00a0computer or iPad at the bar getting to know Tami, the bartender. \u00a0Henry and Scott would be across the room playing a game of scrabble on the wall. \u00a0For two nights I ate the amazing chili. \u00a0My GI system is still recovering, ask Scott. \u00a0But it was so worth it. \u00a0Henry ended each night with the smores skillet and I ended it with the Banana Bread pudding in a mason jar. \u00a0Henry would get ready for bed on his pull out sofa. \u00a0He didn’t complain because he had the entire living room, kitchenette space to himself. \u00a0He stayed up late and slept in every day. \u00a0We let him. \u00a0We went at our own pace. \u00a0The next day, Wednesday, Scott went on a hike. \u00a0He loved it. \u00a0I walked to breakfast, a Mexican cafe with two menus. \u00a0One for Mexican food and one for American. \u00a0That morning I met Gayle. \u00a0She is \u00a0beautiful woman probably in her 80s. \u00a0She comes twice a day the staff told me. \u00a0She has to sit in the same seat, which was next to me. \u00a0I complimented her on wearing my favorite color, Blue. \u00a0She explained that her guardians told her she should only wear blue, pink or yellow. \u00a0Uh oh. \u00a0She went on to explain that she was an oracle in a previous life and that the spirits talk to her. \u00a0I asked if she was a medium. \u00a0She explained that it is not something she can control any more so she would not refer to herself that way. \u00a0She jerked and said the spirits had just cleared her mind. She asked me what had my aura so sad. \u00a0She was fascinating. \u00a0I didn’t get to talk to Hayley as I hoped, but I met a very interesting person. \u00a0She sat in that seat because it had the best view of CNN on the TV and she had to keep an eye on Trump. \u00a0She called herself the only liberal in town. \u00a0I think I met my future self. \u00a0The next morning she wore Pink. \u00a0I told her it was our last day and that I was sorry I would miss the Yellow day. \u00a0She looked shocked that I remembered and more shocked that I greeted her by name and hugged her goodbye. \u00a0I realized that most probably wrote her off as one of the many “spiritual” folks that are drawn to Sedona. \u00a0But I really saw her. \u00a0I believe that is what I taught Hayley to do. \u00a0It was why she had a small group of friends she cherished. \u00a0It was probably why she always said “I fucking hate people”, lol. \u00a0As we left Sedona, Scott complimented me on the vacation. \u00a0He said it was a good choice. \u00a0He had spent some quality time with Henry and that is what I hoped for. \u00a0I had hoped one of us would. \u00a0I was still too wrapped in my grief to be that parent. \u00a0Watching Scott do it made me happy. \u00a0Henry golfed his first round at Sedona. \u00a0It was a special day. \u00a0It was a special vacation.<\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Tuesday of the Arizona vacation was the Grand Canyon. \u00a0I was so excited to share it with Scott. \u00a0He had never been. \u00a0I kind of thought that seeing the Grand Canyon as a kid was a parenting requirement. \u00a0When I was a kid my Mom and Stepdad took us. \u00a0I refer to that as the … <\/p>\n

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