{"id":268,"date":"2018-01-01T07:46:34","date_gmt":"2018-01-01T07:46:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/?p=268"},"modified":"2018-01-01T07:48:40","modified_gmt":"2018-01-01T07:48:40","slug":"thegriefthatstolechristmas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/01\/thegriefthatstolechristmas\/","title":{"rendered":"How the grief stole Christmas"},"content":{"rendered":"

Today is the last day of 2017. \u00a0The last year that Hayley was alive. \u00a0The last day of the most horrifying year of my entire life. \u00a0The last day of the Christmas season, Hayley’s favorite. \u00a0So many lasts. \u00a0So many firsts. \u00a0First Christmas without her. \u00a0First new year’s eve without her. \u00a0First family vacation without her. \u00a0It just depends on how you look at it, I guess. \u00a0One of the things people have talked about is that this blog helps them understand my grief, their grief or the grief of other loved ones. \u00a0It has to be one of the most difficult experiences to explain to someone that has been lucky enough not to feel it at this level. \u00a0This weekend there was a clear example that might help. \u00a0It is a very simple and raw example. \u00a0I will get to it shortly. \u00a0These “episodes” are getting more frequent. \u00a0 \u00a0Honestly I usually feel melancholy every year during Christmas. \u00a0It has been my own fault. \u00a0I have such high expectations and steep responsibilities for the Holiday. \u00a0I want it to be perfect for my family. \u00a0Like so many of my friends I shop for the perfect gifts, I decorate, I bake, and I set expectations every single year that this will be the best Christmas ever. \u00a0What I never saw until this year was that those expectations were unattainable. \u00a0Mainly because by the time we reached Christmas morning I was so exhausted that I was too tired to enjoy it. \u00a0This left me feeling like it didn’t go well. \u00a0This year I sat back and watched everyone else stress out. \u00a0Most of my shopping was done online. \u00a0Henry has always had a simple list, short but expensive! \u00a0I didn’t do any late night shopping. \u00a0I didn’t plan what to bake, how to package it, present it and who would get it. \u00a0I watched all my Mom friends doing this. \u00a0Man it did not look like fun. \u00a0The weeks leading up to Christmas are absolutely insane for Moms. \u00a0Do you think the Dads or Kids even notice? \u00a0Probably not. \u00a0No one ever says thank you for giving up every free minute of the last two weeks hand addressing 150 Christmas Cards. \u00a0Honestly we would only get about 30 cards each year. \u00a0That is a shitty return on investment. \u00a0Plus I think half only send one when they get one from me. \u00a0This year we didn’t send any and we only received about 10. \u00a0Maybe people didn’t think a “Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays” was appropriate knowing we are not Merry or Happy. \u00a0This made me think of a new tip. \u00a08 of those cards have not been opened. \u00a0Why? \u00a0Because I do not want to see the beautiful photos of your children, and your family. \u00a0Designing and sending cards of my kids has always been my favorite holiday task. \u00a0I have been sending them for 20 years, this is the first year I did not. \u00a0I will open those cards and enjoy the sentiment maybe next week. \u00a0I love all my friends and their children, that is not what it is about. \u00a0Seeing you have what I don’t stings and if I am honest brings a feeling of jealousy. \u00a0So my tip; \u00a0if someone has lost member of their nuclear family. \u00a0Spouse, daughter, son. \u00a0Do not send your family card with the perfect photo. \u00a0The one in a pose your family never stands in. \u00a0I know you don’t mean harm but it might be hard, it might be a trigger. \u00a0Send a handwritten card. \u00a0“We are thinking of your family, we wish you the happiest holiday possible.” \u00a0 Nothing has been normal since July 11th. \u00a0So send the card, but don’t send a photo of your normal Christmas. \u00a0AND stop running around and making yourself exhausted. \u00a0You know what our kids want for Christmas besides the iPhone X; they want you to be happy. \u00a0They want their family to be happy. \u00a0You really can’t be 100% happy when you are exhausted and thinking about how much you have left to do. \u00a0Simplify. \u00a0Be Present.<\/p>\n

Let me try to get back on track. \u00a0This is an example of the episodes I have been having. \u00a0I have been painting rocks. \u00a0It is fun, it is relaxing and when doing it with a friend it is a fun way to catch up and relax together. \u00a0Plus I have to get exercise to go hide them so people can find them. \u00a0I needed a better tablecloth to add to my rock painting kit. \u00a0I remembered that I had two in my Christmas box that every year I never use. \u00a0They are more outdoor linens. \u00a0One would be perfect. \u00a0Should I pick the red or green. \u00a0Green, more year round, better background for painting. \u00a0Scott was in the family room. \u00a0I went into the garage grabbed the item. \u00a0I came in and was folding it neatly when I flashed back to when I purchased the tablecloth and what it was used for. \u00a0It took my breath away. \u00a0I set the folded green cloth down on the table and with both hands on top of it to hold myself up, I began to weep. \u00a0Deep sobs. \u00a0Seriously I should send in a photo of myself at these moments to Webster Dictionary for them to put next to “ugly crying”. \u00a0Poor Scott, came over and was perplexed we had just been chatting and all of a sudden I was bent over as if I had taken an invisible fist to the gut. \u00a0I explained to him that the tablecloth brought back a happy memory and the stark comparison to that day and today was just so overwhelming that I had to stop everything and just remember to breathe. \u00a0Of course he doesn’t remember the tablecloth but with his hand on my back I told him it was from a day spent playing in the snow years ago, maybe when the kids were 4 and 8. \u00a0It was at this property in the mountains were you reserve tents and space. \u00a0You take a horse drawn sleigh to the destination. \u00a0The location had a terrific sledding hill. \u00a0You shared a tent with a fire with other families. \u00a0There must have been over a dozen Sammamish Families there that day. \u00a0Probably more, there was easy 75 people sharing food, drinks, and sledding together. \u00a0The kids couldn’t escape or sled into the street, it was a perfect bowl of fun in the mountains. \u00a0I can’t remember everyone that was there but I bet I know dozens of them better than I did before now. \u00a0I had bought those two table clothes to cover the picnic table. \u00a0Susie made her Chili and hauled that big pot all the way there. \u00a0I was in charge of sweets and to simplify, I had filled a basket with ding dongs, ho hos, and twinkles! \u00a0Super easy to eat with gloves. \u00a0I was a hit. \u00a0It was truly a fun day. \u00a0Hayley spent the day playing with her brother. \u00a0Kayla, Hayley, Henry, Doug, Justin, all made forts and had an epic snowball fight. \u00a0Henry got pegged in the face and I remember cuddling him in the warm tent. \u00a0Hayley came back in and said “come on momma’s boy we need you our team”. \u00a0She so didn’t need the 4 year old on her team, but that was a moment of sister kindness I will never forget. \u00a0We all went home exhausted, dirty, cold, some of us buzzed and looking forward to getting a spot on the reservation for the next year. \u00a0Except Doug, I think he hurt his back, I can’t remember. \u00a0I packed those tablecloths with my decorations and used them here and there but they will always be a reminder of Sammamish heading East for the day. \u00a0I reminded Scott of all these memories. \u00a0He said quietly ” I remember”. \u00a0I told him this is what happens, the memory hits and I am a mess. \u00a0I remember details. \u00a0My long term memory is super accurate. \u00a0I am the keeper of my family’s memories. \u00a0Scott remembers that day but not all the details. \u00a0He wouldn’t remember the twinkles or Henry’s “injury”. \u00a0It is excruciating painful because you let her into your head and your heart when you recall a loving memory. \u00a0You quickly realize that you will never have that kind of experience with her again.<\/p>\n

\"\"That moment or episode is like you just lost her again. All of that because of a tablecloth. \u00a0 It is so unfair. \u00a0I have lost my child. \u00a0Then grief steals your memories. \u00a0It is a thief that takes your happy memories and covers them with a layer of fog, and sprinkles regret and sadness over them. \u00a0 Just like the Grinch when he took everything from Whoville. \u00a0<\/span>What I can’t figure out is how to get past the fog and still find a way to want to sing in the middle of the town square. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Today is the last day of 2017. \u00a0The last year that Hayley was alive. \u00a0The last day of the most horrifying year of my entire life. \u00a0The last day of the Christmas season, Hayley’s favorite. \u00a0So many lasts. \u00a0So many firsts. \u00a0First Christmas without her. \u00a0First new year’s eve without her. \u00a0First family vacation without … <\/p>\n

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