{"id":299,"date":"2018-01-29T07:15:29","date_gmt":"2018-01-29T07:15:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/?p=299"},"modified":"2018-01-29T16:46:00","modified_gmt":"2018-01-29T16:46:00","slug":"to-get-out-or-not-to-get-out","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/2018\/01\/29\/to-get-out-or-not-to-get-out\/","title":{"rendered":"To Get Out or Not to Get Out"},"content":{"rendered":"

In the past two weeks I have been trying something new; getting out of the house for more than the basics. \u00a0Store, Hair, Nails, Pick up Henry; those basics. Trust me the Hair and Nails are few and far between. \u00a0The last Hair appointment I did get some royal blue highlights for Hayley’s cause and favorite color. \u00a0I figured this is the time to experiment. \u00a0For months I have been asked to get out, but I usually said no. \u00a0Well to be honest what happen the most is I say yes then change my mind at the last minute when I just can not stand the idea of being social. \u00a0I have started to warn people; “my answer is subject to change”. \u00a0A couple of Saturdays ago I was not given a choice. \u00a0This was new. \u00a0I was still in my PJS at 5:00 and trying to make a dent in the house projects when I sat down at the computer for a moment. \u00a0A message from a long time friend popped up “what are you doing?”. \u00a0I debated, pretend I didn’t see it or answer out of curiosity to see where it goes. \u00a0She said “I need you to be my date tonight, be ready in an hour”. \u00a0I don’t think so, as I sniffed my pits. \u00a0I politely declined. \u00a0Her response, ” I was not asking, I am telling you I am picking you up in an hour and you will have fun”. \u00a0I laughed out loud thinking to myself, I don’t have fun anymore, I tolerate fun, or I fake fun. \u00a0Nothing is fun without Hayley. \u00a0I told Scott what was going on. \u00a0Instead of supporting my need to stay home, he said, you should go, sounds fun. \u00a0What sounds fun? \u00a0I don’t know where we are going or for how long? \u00a0I asked her 20 questions. \u00a0When, Where, Who What? \u00a0I hate surprises. \u00a0Will it be illegal? \u00a0Is vandalism involved? \u00a0Will I need bail? \u00a0What do I wear?<\/em><\/p>\n

She said I will be there at 6, said she needed to get out herself and then ignored all of my questions. \u00a0I quickly showered wondering wtf we were doing. \u00a0I hate surprises. \u00a0I stood at the bottom of our driveway at 6. \u00a0Along came a car with a different friend and her husband that had recently retired and moved away, Is this part of my surprise? \u00a0Turns out I ruined HER surprise. She was planning to anonymously sneak a pretty painted rock on to my porch. \u00a0It was the nicest thing to do. \u00a0She waited with me for friend number 1 that was basically kidnapping me. \u00a0She arrived, off we went with me bitching my head off about it. \u00a0My negative mojo, “I am only doing this for you since you have gave me no choice and I have not seen you in so long. I really hate surprises. \u00a0Freeway? Where the fuck are we going?”<\/p>\n

“Fine I can tell you now”, she said. \u00a0She assumed I would not try to get out of the car at 60 mph. \u00a0We are going to Gay bingo. \u00a0WHAT? \u00a0Gay Bingo? \u00a0Am I really your “date”? \u00a0She said it is fun and it is in Fremont. \u00a0WHAT? \u00a0We are going to Seattle, ugh. \u00a0It turned out to be a huge, hundreds of people, event and fundraiser for a big AIDs foundation. \u00a0That is fabulous. \u00a0It was seriously entertaining. \u00a0I couldn’t resist the t-shirt that said “O 69; Grab my dauber”. \u00a0Next to us was a gal that truly had the most awful resting mean face. \u00a0I finally asked her, did my friend bump you or something? \u00a0This did not help. \u00a0We didn’t come close to bingo. \u00a0What was interesting was that I felt so odd. \u00a0I didn’t remember what fun felt like and it was disconcerting. I felt sort of invisible. \u00a0Can everyone see my grief? \u00a0Is it obvious?<\/p>\n

I was happy to be spending time with one of my favorite friends. \u00a0A friend that had been through a lot with me over the years. \u00a0But I felt guilty, Hayley can’t have fun why should I. \u00a0I realized I need to do things for her, I was now responsible to have fun for her. \u00a0So I tried. \u00a0I succeeded until about 3\/4 of the way through then I was seriously just done. \u00a0Someone called Bingo one minute and in my head I called I am done next. \u00a0I kept it to myself. \u00a0At this point I can only handle contact with groups of people for so long and then an alarm goes off in my head and I am done. When I am done it is a feeling of panic, I need to get home NOW. \u00a0It is a physical reaction. \u00a0I get hot, uncomfortable and shaky. \u00a0Grief is not just in your head. \u00a0It is not just emotions. \u00a0It is physical. \u00a0It causes physical pain, discomfort and hinders your ability to perform like a normal person. \u00a0Sometimes I fake it really well. \u00a0But my smile is fake. \u00a0Some people see it, some do not. \u00a0I appreciate that some people keep asking me to go out.. \u00a0Most have stopped. \u00a0Which is totally fine. \u00a0I still feel taken care of. \u00a0But I wonder if people judge me. \u00a0That they think I should be getting well faster. \u00a0How do you undo 19 years of your life. \u00a0Everything for me revolved around Hayley and Henry. \u00a0But Henry is so easy, so it feels as if my life was all about her and our amazing friendship. \u00a0How do you live without that once you have it? \u00a0How do you feel thankful you had it when so many don’t? \u00a0Thankful is currently an off limits feeling. \u00a0Others that are banned; Grateful, Happy, patience, and Sympathy. \u00a0Sounds like Snow White, I should come up with the 7 dwarves of grief. \u00a0Another post.<\/p>\n

I got home and took a long shower, cried until I was exhausted. \u00a0I wanted so desperately to tell Hayley I went to Gay Bingo and show her my t-shirt \"\"that I knew she would steal from me. \u00a0She needed to be having fun, not me. \u00a0The guilt is overwhelming. \u00a0The anxiety if I am gone for long is heightened.<\/p>\n

Months ago I purchased Lewis Black tickets for Saturday the 20th. \u00a0I figured by then Scott and I might be ready to laugh. \u00a0I thought a comedian show would be a good option. \u00a0Scott had no interest in going so I brought an old friend. \u00a0We had a great dinner and the show was funny. \u00a0Prior to the show I saw that Lewis goes live at the ends of his shows and reads rants fans submit. \u00a0I sat down an hour before we left. \u00a0The funniest thing I could think of was my recent Arizona Airport Fart story. \u00a0I quickly typed out the not sanitized version. \u00a0Lots of ‘F’ Bombs. \u00a0It was about why do we have to be so judgmental of farts, everyone farts. \u00a0When he went live, he was only answering short questions and ranting himself. \u00a0I guess I misunderstood, he won’t read my long story. \u00a0I was relieved, and I had writer remorse.<\/p>\n

Sunday night he had a second show. \u00a0Just as I was getting ready to go to sleep I looked at my phone one more time to see a friend I have not seen in 10 years had posted that she was at the 2nd night show and that Lewis Black had ready my story at that show. \u00a0In fact she said it brought down the house and that he closed with it and got a standing ovation. \u00a0WHAT? \u00a0When it was posted online, Scott and I watched it together. \u00a0I was nervous because I had sold him out a bit for comedic value. \u00a0But at the end he said that is fucking funny. \u00a0It felt nice to get a compliment from him, but at the same time he seemed surprised I was funny. \u00a0WTF, where has he been the last 27 years, I think I am hilarious.<\/p>\n

Maybe my new job will be writing for comedians! \u00a0The moral of the story is that I am not ready for several hours out. \u00a0Shorter outings. \u00a0Comedy shows hurt. \u00a0I was uncomfortable in my seat and my face hurt from smiling for more than a fraction of a second. \u00a0My weight is making me so uncomfortable and is my number one priority right now, to get healthy so that I can battle this burden of grief with better tools. \u00a0Lately my coping tool has been “what would Hayley say? WWHS \u00a0I think what would Hayley say right now. \u00a0Sometimes it is obvious what she would say. But most of the time I can’t imagine her words.<\/p>\n

The sadness, the darkness. \u00a0It is getting deeper. \u00a0She doesn’t answer.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

www.lewisblack.com\/live<\/p>\n

Watch the live feed from 9\/21, Seattle. \u00a0Minute 16.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In the past two weeks I have been trying something new; getting out of the house for more than the basics. \u00a0Store, Hair, Nails, Pick up Henry; those basics. Trust me the Hair and Nails are few and far between. \u00a0The last Hair appointment I did get some royal blue highlights for Hayley’s cause and … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “To Get Out or Not to Get Out”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-299","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/299","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=299"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/299\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":304,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/299\/revisions\/304"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=299"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=299"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=299"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}