{"id":310,"date":"2018-02-06T07:51:37","date_gmt":"2018-02-06T07:51:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/?p=310"},"modified":"2018-02-06T08:17:08","modified_gmt":"2018-02-06T08:17:08","slug":"the-happiest-place-on-earth","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/2018\/02\/06\/the-happiest-place-on-earth\/","title":{"rendered":"The Happiest Place on Earth…"},"content":{"rendered":"

Back to my vacation. \u00a0As you may recall I left off after my birthday eve traveling to the crappy hotel with the horrible sheets only to end up at the right hotel for us. \u00a0Hayley and I had planned to go to Disney for my Birthday. \u00a0Just the two of us, I had even booked the room. \u00a0\"\"<\/p>\n

Once we settled into our new room we walked towards the happiest place on earth. \u00a0Who coined that phrase? \u00a0It seems very presumptuous and a little over confident. \u00a0I have been several times and witnessed so many parents that are clearly not having the happiest time of their life. \u00a0Their child is melting down because they have to wait 45 minutes for Dumbo. \u00a0I saw parents that just want to go on the Pirates of the Caribbean to get cooled off and rest for a short time but junior is scared of pirates. \u00a0I have seen adults in long lines glaring at the kid in the wheelchair that gets to go to the front of the line. \u00a0Really? \u00a0Do you want to trade places? \u00a0So not very happy. \u00a0We have been lucky. \u00a0From Hayley’s first visit, Disneyworld, age 4, she had great reverence for the parks. \u00a0It was her Happy Place. \u00a0\"\"Even when dragging her 2 and a half year old brother around didn’t phase her. \u00a0Rain didn’t phase her. \u00a0She could spend all day there and never complain, never meltdown. \u00a0She was just so thankful to be there. \u00a0One year we surprised the kids for their birthdays. \u00a0Told them at the airport we were going. \u00a0Their birthdays are just 9 days apart so it was easy to do big things and have them share!\"\"<\/p>\n

I was really worried about how I would feel about being there without Hayley. \u00a0I melted down before we left the hotel. \u00a0One of the things I realized is that I miss human touch. \u00a0Scott is not a touchy feely guy and his grief is just as deep but surfaces in different ways. \u00a0\"\"Henry, well he is a 15 year old boy, enough said. \u00a0So when I cry every day, it is just me and the dogs. \u00a0This time Sara sat next to me and rubbed my back. \u00a0It felt so foreign and I cried harder that I don’t have that every day. \u00a0I relaxed into it and the tears felt like a release instead of pain. \u00a0\"\"<\/p>\n

We started at Downtown Disney because I had to have Beignets. \u00a0Donut like pastry fried and shaken in a bag with powdered sugar! \u00a0Heaven. \u00a0It was also a way to ease me into the parks. \u00a0We went to the Disney store. \u00a0 Hayley and I referred to it as the “Big fucking Disney store”. \u00a0We spent more time than necessary picking out our ears. \u00a0I always have wanted them but always spent money on the kids not myself and if I did I got a practical baseball hat to shade my face. \u00a0Not this time, Mickey. \u00a0I am going to rock sequin ears. \u00a0\"\"As we walked towards the parks rocking our ears, Sara reached out and held my hand. \u00a0Her energy flowed into me and made me tear up but also made me realize, with that simple gesture, that I was not alone. \u00a0The person that was there with me was exactly who I needed. \u00a0We opted to start at California Adventure, less nostalgic. \u00a0Plus Sara had not seen Carsland and I was so excited to get her on my favorite ride ever. \u00a0We were wearing matching Red minnie tees with our Nike embroidered shirts over the top and our ears. \u00a0Don’t forget the Micky earrings she gave me for my birthday that day. \u00a0We were both absolutely ridiculous and incredibly adorable. \u00a0Two grown woman celebrating their birthdays at the happiest place on earth.<\/p>\n

But you see it is not the happiest for me. \u00a0The happiest I have ever been is when Hayley was on one side of me and Henry on the other, my arms around them. \u00a0\"\"Now I am missing one side. \u00a0There is truly no happy place for me anymore. \u00a0By going to Disney and the Ocean, I was searching for that place. \u00a0The place where I would feel a little happy, a little peace. \u00a0But I was wrong to have that expectation.<\/p>\n

As we entered Disneyland holding hands I didn’t get that normal rush of adrenaline. \u00a0It was like I was there but I was invisible. \u00a0It was just the two of us. \u00a0I felt like an observer but not part of the crowd. \u00a0It is so hard to explain. \u00a0I was grateful to be there with my longest friend, but I was disconnected. \u00a0I know the park inside and out. \u00a0I am a planner, I like to see and do everything. \u00a0This time I was fine to just wander without purpose. \u00a0Many parts of both parks were under refurbishing. \u00a0This also made it seem abnormal. \u00a0I expected to see Hayley around every corner or next to every character. \u00a0Is this the chair she sat in to eat her ice cream? \u00a0Which color car did she drive on the Autotopia? The voice in my head was full of questions. \u00a0Do you remember that time Hayley and I tricked a terrified Henry onto Splash Mountain? \u00a0What about the time Hayley and her Dad road the roller coaster over and over until the park closed? \u00a0Both were queasy still the next day. \u00a0What about those awesome photos of Hayley with Donald Duck with him acting offended because she was wearing a Micky mouse shirt? \u00a0The Birthday and Graduation trip for Hayley and Kayleigh that almost didn’t happen. \u00a0I am so thankful we found a way to make that happen for her. \u00a0We will cherish that trip always.<\/p>\n

I made it 17,000 steps that day. \u00a0Prior to that day, my 47th birthday, I had not done more than 3,000 on most days. \u00a0I was hurting due to my bad ankle, fibromyalgia, weight and just plain being out of shape. \u00a0But I felt I had something to prove. \u00a0I had to do this for Hayley. \u00a0She couldn’t come to Disneyland but I could do it for her. \u00a0We spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday in the parks. \u00a0We took it slow. \u00a0\"\"We didn’t do everything but we had fun. \u00a0I spent a lot of time people watching. \u00a0I would see a mother disgusted with her child. \u00a0I wanted to walk up to her and tell her to enjoy this time, it won’t come again. \u00a0Cherish it no matter what. \u00a0Let your plans go, let the schedule go, just BE. \u00a0I saw teenage girls wearing their ears and Disney wear. \u00a0( like us old folks)<\/p>\n

I noticed that the parks seemed not as shiny or clean. \u00a0Colors seemed dull through my grief stricken eyes. \u00a0My eyes found the pieces of trash or dirt. \u00a0The music and sounds were distant and muffled. \u00a0I wonder if this was my brain’s way of protecting me. Disneyland seemed worn out, just like me.\u00a0 It was not as vibrant and beautiful as before. \u00a0I wonder if that is how I am seeing everything. \u00a0Do I see everything through the lens of grief? \u00a0Absolutely. \u00a0It took Disneyland to make me notice.<\/p>\n

Our second night we were so lucky that a friend of Hayley met us. \u00a0It was so wonderful to see her, she is a talented young woman and one of Hayley’s favorite people. \u00a0It felt so good to hug her, like I was hugging a bit of Hayley. \u00a0I was obsessed with these gorgeous Swarvoski crystal tiaras. \u00a0I have no idea why, I am really not a princess. \u00a0I had to have one. \u00a0\"\"They were ridiculously expensive, but I had to have it. \u00a0I knew it would be the perfect accessory to wear when I was writing. \u00a0We were lucky that our friend gets a Disney discount and I felt less guilt about this really impractical gift. \u00a0Sara bought it for my birthday. \u00a0It is lovely. \u00a0I guess I am a princess. \u00a0Maybe not a Disney Princess but\u00a0a princess just the same. \u00a0I know you are all jealous of my Tiara. \u00a0You may see me at the grocery store wearing it.<\/p>\n

As we ended our Disney time and headed to Huntington Beach I realized that I had accomplished so much. \u00a0I had been physically active. \u00a0I proved I had the physical strength to walk for Hayley. \u00a0I had the emotional maturity to let Sara comfort me each day. \u00a0I had the awareness to realize a imperfect vacation was still a vacation. \u00a0(did I mention the sun?) \u00a0\"\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I need to learn to Be Kind to myself. \u00a0I need to find my “NEW happiest place on earth”.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Back to my vacation. \u00a0As you may recall I left off after my birthday eve traveling to the crappy hotel with the horrible sheets only to end up at the right hotel for us. \u00a0Hayley and I had planned to go to Disney for my Birthday. \u00a0Just the two of us, I had even booked … <\/p>\n

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