Some weeks are harder, some days are harder, some hours are harder. \u00a0Then some are just brutal. \u00a0This week seem to be brutal. \u00a0I cried more, I was more tired, and in more pain. \u00a0I can’t figure out if there is a reason or a trend. \u00a0Some times it is an obvious trigger. \u00a0That is what happen today. \u00a0My mom, Scott and I were rearranging furniture. \u00a0In our front room we had two red leather chairs. \u00a0They are not the most comfortable, but they do recline for your feet. \u00a0I put a tv in there a couple of years back and then we actually used that room. \u00a0It was the same concept of not letting Henry have his computer in his room. \u00a0We would never see him. \u00a0So he has a man cave downstairs to do his gaming. \u00a0This way we see him when he comes out for fluids and nourishment. \u00a0Hayley was the same way about the TV and her shows as Henry is about gaming on his PC. \u00a0Hayley actually had a bulletin board in her bedroom and a list of shows she wanted to make sure she didn’t miss. \u00a0Thank goodness for a DVR.<\/p>\n
She liked her alone time. \u00a0Her room was her sanctuary. \u00a0It was her favorite place to be. \u00a0Her space at home. \u00a0So I upgraded our cable system to get DVRs in all the rooms. \u00a0This way she could watch her shows downstairs in the front room. \u00a0We used to call it the Red Room but then 50 shades of Grey ruined that. \u00a0This way we saw her, we were all on one floor and “together”. \u00a0We have an open floor pan that has a stair case up the middle. \u00a0This was my solution to the family challenges of the 21st century.<\/p>\n
It was the red chairs that Hayley and I sat in and talked about organ donation a month before she left us. \u00a0We had talks about life in that room. \u00a0I even counseled some of her friends in that room. \u00a0She got in trouble in that room. \u00a0The one time she ever really got in serious trouble I added a dining chair for Scott and the space became an interrogation room. \u00a0We took family photos in the room. \u00a0Snapped photos of reluctant kids dressed up for special events. \u00a0Hayley and I would watch tv together there. \u00a0Well she would watch, most of the time I had my laptop and was working. \u00a0Her shows generally involved little people, Kardashians, emergency rooms, Grey’s Anatomy, Crime, Pretty liars, and a Full House. \u00a0This was how she relaxed. \u00a0I cannot tell you how many shows of Full House and midgets I watched. \u00a0Oops! \u00a0Do not call them midgets. \u00a0She would flip out. \u00a0That is a derogatory term, they are little people. \u00a0It was so much fun to watch her get all in a huff about it that Scott and I slipped up often. \u00a0This would most often take place in the red chairs.<\/p>\n
I waited for her to come home in one of those chairs. \u00a0She would come in from work in her uniform of my black pants, a white button down and her green Sammamish Cafe Apron. \u00a0She generally flopped into her chair and said “I fucking hate people”. \u00a0This always made me laugh. \u00a0She said it often. \u00a0So often that I ordered her one of those mermaid pillows that revealed that same phrase. \u00a0I showed her and she was so excited and had the spot in there room picked out for it’s place of honor. \u00a0It got delayed and it arrived after she was gone. \u00a0But I would say to her, \u00a0“Hayley I hate people too but that needs to be our little secret. \u00a0I am so proud of you for how well you do your job.” I would sit in the cafe working or reading and watch her work” \u00a0It gave me joy. \u00a0Customers smiled when she smiled at them. \u00a0She kept straws, napkins and jam in her apron pockets. \u00a0I would find straws and napkins on our counter that she forgot to leave at work. \u00a0Once there was a steak knife! \u00a0Then one day there was jam. \u00a0Score, hand me that strawberry, my favorite. \u00a0From that day forward I would have those little packs of Strawberry jam in the fridge for my toast. \u00a0If I complained she said I had to take what was left in her pocket. \u00a0But the Strawberry are my favorite. \u00a0Hayley kept me in jam.<\/p>\n
Last night we finally rearranged that room. \u00a0We moved the crate and barrel couches that she and I had hauled home in a UHaul. \u00a0Both kids hate these couches because they originally replaced their beloved 15 year old worn out sectional. \u00a0They also hate the color. \u00a0It is interesting. \u00a0Evidently it is called Nantucket Red. \u00a0Hayley called it Pepto Bismol after you puked it back up. \u00a0The plan was to purchase new slipcovers in a more neutral colors as soon as I had a job. \u00a0They still have the Pepto covers. \u00a0The red chairs have now been displaced. \u00a0I am not sure what to do with them. \u00a0So we moved them to another room for now. \u00a0That is when it happened.<\/p>\n
I try so hard to be strong. \u00a0It is a herculean effort. \u00a0I am trying extra hard with my mom visiting. \u00a0Her grief is also raw and I don’t want her to worry about me. \u00a0What can she do from Florida? \u00a0When Scott moved the chair, out fell a cafe packet of jam. \u00a0He handed it to me. \u00a0I lost it. \u00a0Sitting on the Pepto couch. \u00a0I cried. \u00a0My mom held my hand. \u00a0I held the jam like it was something special. \u00a0After a week of triggers and choking back tears it was a packet of jam that finally did me in. \u00a0I handed it to my mom and asked “want some Jam”. \u00a0It was not my favorite, it was Raspberry.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Some weeks are harder, some days are harder, some hours are harder. \u00a0Then some are just brutal. \u00a0This week seem to be brutal. \u00a0I cried more, I was more tired, and in more pain. \u00a0I can’t figure out if there is a reason or a trend. \u00a0Some times it is an obvious trigger. \u00a0That is … <\/p>\n