{"id":340,"date":"2018-02-23T08:49:27","date_gmt":"2018-02-23T08:49:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/?p=340"},"modified":"2018-02-23T08:49:27","modified_gmt":"2018-02-23T08:49:27","slug":"thespian","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/2018\/02\/23\/thespian\/","title":{"rendered":"The Pain"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"_tN _VCh _WCh _IWg mod\" data-md=\"32\">\n<div id=\"media_result_group\" class=\"kno-mrg-hnm kno-mrg-si kno-mrg kno-swp\" data-hveid=\"41\">\n<div class=\"_rcb kno-ibrg\">\n<div class=\"r-itwUktuV2FR4\">\n<div data-rtid=\"itwUktuV2FR4\">\n<div class=\"img-brk _Aqh _WAh\">\n<div class=\"r-ijs5ILPkOi8s\">\n<div class=\"_FAh birrg\">\n<div class=\"rg_ul\">\n<div class=\"iukp0 kno-fb-ctx _eV img-kc-m bili uh_r rg_el ivg-i\" data-ved=\"0ahUKEwjAv5OE-bnZAhVG-mMKHbayBmQQzkwILCgAMAA\">\n<div class=\"bicc\">\n<p>I decided to try to articulate my pain.\u00a0 I usually say there are no words to describe it.\u00a0 But that can&#8217;t be true, there has to be words that help me describe my pain.\u00a0 So I did some research.\u00a0 Here is what I found.\u00a0 I copied and pasted the information and will also add my commentary on how it relates to my grief.\u00a0 Everyone grieves differently. \u00a0For me right now it is acute pain.<\/p>\n<div>\n<hr \/>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"rg_ilbg\"><strong><em>wikipedia.org<\/em><\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"mod\" data-md=\"61\">\n<div class=\"_oDd\" data-hveid=\"46\"><em><span class=\"_Tgc _s8w\">Acute\u00a0<b>pain<\/b>\u00a0usually comes on suddenly, because of a disease, injury, or inflammation<span style=\"color: #3366ff;\"><span style=\"color: #ff0000;\"> or the worst fucking event of your life<\/span>.<\/span> It can often be diagnosed and treated, <span style=\"color: #ff0000;\">yeah right<\/span>. It usually goes away, <span style=\"color: #ff0000;\">never,<\/span> though sometimes it can turn into chronic\u00a0<b>pain<\/b>. Chronic\u00a0<b>pain<\/b>\u00a0lasts for a long time, <span style=\"color: #ff0000;\">forever<\/span> and can cause severe problems.\u00a0 <span style=\"color: #ff0000;\">No shit Sherlock.<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>I have been familiar with pain for a very long time. \u00a0In my 20s it was IBS and Chronic Sinus Infections. \u00a0Sinus Surgery helped but was it&#8217;s own pain experience. \u00a0I gave birth to Hayley. \u00a0In my 30s, it was a 2nd sinus surgery, wrist surgery, gall bladder, uterine ablation, and I gave birth to Henry. \u00a0Add a dislocated tail bone thanks to Henry. \u00a0I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at 38 and shortly after suffered Cardiac Arrest winning a pacemaker, that involved pain for sure. New Year&#8217;s in Vegas I broke my ankle. \u00a0All of this before I was 40 and I am sure I am missing something. \u00a0I looked up words to describe pain. \u00a0This is what I found:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em><strong>aching<\/strong><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><strong>tender<\/strong><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><strong>sharp<\/strong><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><strong>shooting<\/strong><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><strong>hot<\/strong><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><strong>burning<\/strong><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><strong>nagging<\/strong><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><strong>intense<\/strong><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><strong>stabbing<\/strong><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><strong>tingling<\/strong><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><strong>dull<\/strong><\/em><\/li>\n<li><em><strong>throbbing<\/strong><\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>These words all describe the pain of Fibromyalgia. \u00a0What they don&#8217;t include is the emotional pain. \u00a0Guilt, Sadness, exhaustion, frustration, anger or disgust.<\/p>\n<p>All of these descriptive words also describe my grief. \u00a0The raw pain of losing half my heart in one horrible night. \u00a0It <strong><em>aches<\/em><\/strong> all of the time. \u00a0A deep ache in your chest, it feels as if it vibrates throughout your insides. \u00a0Your skin is <em><strong>tender.<\/strong><\/em> \u00a0You are raw. \u00a0You don&#8217;t want anyone to bump into you. \u00a0I sometimes cannot find clothes that are comfortable touching my skin. \u00a0The <strong><em>sharp<\/em><\/strong> pain takes you by surprise, it takes your breath away. \u00a0It happens when you walk into the dentist office and see a young girl with her back to you. \u00a0She has long brown highlighted hair. \u00a0She is wearing a black puffy north face vest, with leggings and black Nikes. \u00a0This was Hayley&#8217;s uniform. \u00a0The sharp pain knocks you down and you have to hide. \u00a0<em><strong>Shooting<\/strong><\/em> pain is when you are doing laundry and you come across a pair of panties that were hers. \u00a0You sit and grip it and put it to your face. \u00a0I dropped to my knees feeling the shooting pain. \u00a0Not knowing if it is from the grief or worry about your psyche that you are alone and smelling her clean underwear. \u00a0<strong><em>Hot<\/em><\/strong> and <strong><em>Burning<\/em> <\/strong>are the feelings of anger at the injustice of it all. \u00a0Or when you receive a doctor bill 7 months past that lists the details of what services they provided. \u00a0It included &#8220;placement of breathing tube&#8221;. \u00a0I felt hot as I called and begged them to stop sending this mail addressed to Hayley. \u00a0<strong><em>Nagging<\/em><\/strong> is easy to articulate. \u00a0It is the nagging thoughts that won&#8217;t stop. \u00a0What if I had taken her to a different hospital. \u00a0Why didn&#8217;t I yell and scream until the doctors heard my concerns. \u00a0It is a line of thinking that is truly nagging and so hard to stop once that train has left the station. <em><strong>\u00a0Intense<\/strong><\/em> describes the pain I feel every single day. \u00a0It is that moment when I wake up. \u00a0For a few seconds I am only focused on which dog woke me up and then I remember. \u00a0This pain is intense. \u00a0Or when I walk into her room and see her shoes lined up, her make up cart, her laundry basket still holding the clothes she wore the week before her death. \u00a0Such intense pain. \u00a0<em><strong>Stabbing<\/strong><\/em> is all of the above. \u00a0<strong><em>Tingling<\/em><\/strong> is the sense that you are forgetting something. \u00a0A memory that you try to pluck and you can&#8217;t. \u00a0Grief robs you of your mental strength. \u00a0Studies actual show lost brain function in people experiencing intense grief. \u00a0So if you are feeling all of the above and you can&#8217;t remember what you have to do tomorrow or what you did yesterday; it&#8217;s okay, you can blame it on brain damage. \u00a0Finally, <strong><em>dull and throbbing<\/em><\/strong>, this is your eyes, sinuses, throat after crying every hour all day.<\/p>\n<p>It is the middle of the night and my pain is high. \u00a0My joints ache and my chest is tight. \u00a0I am fighting tears begging the xanax to kick in. \u00a0My muscles throb. \u00a0How do I survive this pain? \u00a0How do I walk through this hell? \u00a0All I want to do is rest. I want one day, even just one hour where my body doesn&#8217;t hurt and my mind rests. \u00a0I cannot even imagine how that would feel.<\/p>\n<p>So when you ask me how I am and I shrug and say &#8220;ok&#8221;, or it&#8217;s a hard day, maybe knowing these words that describe pain will help you understand your own pain, my pain and the pain of your loved ones. \u00a0Everyone carries some pain. \u00a0Don&#8217;t forget that. \u00a0Don&#8217;t forget the promises you made to me and others. \u00a0Like when you said &#8220;I won&#8217;t stop asking&#8221;, &#8220;I will be here&#8221;. \u00a0If you said it and you have not been able to follow through, it&#8217;s okay, you all have your lives to live. \u00a0Because mine has stopped, yours shouldn&#8217;t. \u00a0BUT what I ask is that the next time you are faced with someone in pain for whatever reason, do NOT make promises of any kind. \u00a0You don&#8217;t need to add to their pain when life prevents you from following through. \u00a0Just address the present, don&#8217;t promise for the future. \u00a0I would prefer you didn&#8217;t. \u00a0But you can be&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>Be understanding. \u00a0Be kind. \u00a0Be patient. \u00a0Be empathetic. \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Be helpful. \u00a0 Be strong. \u00a0Be real. \u00a0Be authentic. \u00a0#belikehayley<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-56\" src=\"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/08\/vzm_57dca367_6b8b4567_1b8-attachment_1-orginal_image_1474077544-225x300.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"225\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/08\/vzm_57dca367_6b8b4567_1b8-attachment_1-orginal_image_1474077544-225x300.jpeg 225w, https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/08\/vzm_57dca367_6b8b4567_1b8-attachment_1-orginal_image_1474077544.jpeg 720w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 225px) 100vw, 225px\" \/><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-medium wp-image-22\" src=\"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/08\/20937859_10214852954546209_1883612127_n-225x300.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"225\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/08\/20937859_10214852954546209_1883612127_n-225x300.jpg 225w, https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/08\/20937859_10214852954546209_1883612127_n.jpg 720w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 225px) 100vw, 225px\" \/><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I decided to try to articulate my pain.\u00a0 I usually say there are no words to describe it.\u00a0 But that can&#8217;t be true, there has to be words that help me describe my pain.\u00a0 So I did some research.\u00a0 Here is what I found.\u00a0 I copied and pasted the information and will also add my &hellip; <\/p>\n<p class=\"link-more\"><a href=\"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/2018\/02\/23\/thespian\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading<span class=\"screen-reader-text\"> &#8220;The Pain&#8221;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-340","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/340","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=340"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/340\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":342,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/340\/revisions\/342"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=340"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=340"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=340"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}