{"id":346,"date":"2018-03-09T06:55:56","date_gmt":"2018-03-09T06:55:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/?p=346"},"modified":"2018-03-09T06:55:56","modified_gmt":"2018-03-09T06:55:56","slug":"the-tide-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/2018\/03\/09\/the-tide-2\/","title":{"rendered":"The Tide"},"content":{"rendered":"

Lately I have been craving to be at the ocean. \u00a0I asked the boys if we could go this weekend, no school Friday. \u00a0Henry acted like I asked him to eat the dog shit he reluctantly picks up. \u00a0“Mom can’t we just stay home for once, \u00a0we were just in San Francisco”. \u00a0Sigh, I could show him the photos showing him having fun on that trip but you just don’t argue with a 15 year old boy, you never have a winner. \u00a0I have clearly failed to teach him to be spontaneous or to love the water like Hayley. \u00a0Hayley and I were connected by water. \u00a0We were lucky to go on several boat trips with my Mom and Stepdad. \u00a0Cape Cod, Washington DC, sailing the Potomac. \u00a0She chose WWU and watched the sunset over the bay every night. \u00a0She went to the lake and the falls. \u00a0She promised herself she would get outside and enjoy all of the water around her during her Sophomore year. \"\"\u00a0We began taking her to Cannon Beach at 6 months old. \u00a0The weather was not great, but we strapped her into that baby bjorn and off we went. \u00a0She was not a great sleeper but at or near the ocean she could barely stay awake. \u00a0We went at least once per year every year for 18 years. \u00a0Sometimes she brought a friend; sometimes it was just the two of us. \u00a0We went as a family even when Scott and I were officially separated. \u00a0It was something that made life, no matter how chaotic or horrible feel normal. \u00a0Of course, I didn’t know what horrible could actually feel like.<\/p>\n

I was one of those moms that always imagined the worse things happening. \u00a0I would constantly have to talk myself down. \u00a0Scott was good at that. \u00a0One of the hardest week’s of my life was when she went to Cabo with her friend and her family. \u00a0She loved that trip. \u00a0I barely slept more than a few hours here and there. \u00a0She was too far away. \u00a0We missed each other more than I figured was normal. \u00a0When she had surgery for her ovarian issues I practically hyperventilated waiting for her to come back to her room. \u00a0But it was always okay. \u00a0But my imagination has tormented me for the past 20 years. \u00a0Nothing I ever imagined was as bad as what I witnessed last July.<\/p>\n

Spring is coming. \u00a0This is going to be a tough time for me. \u00a0I didn’t see that coming. \u00a0I forgot that I love March, April and May. \u00a0March because it is almost Spring and everything I love most happened in the Spring. \u00a0As March crawls along, I see flowers begin to push their way up. \u00a0The flowering plum trees we planted for each of the kids when they were a year old, are starting to show growth. \u00a0Those little leave buds this year share space on the branches with beautiful moss. \u00a0Hayley’s tree was moved from our last house when she was 3. \u00a0It thrived with that move like she did. \u00a0The tree needs maintenance but I am afraid to let just anyone touch that tree. \u00a0What if they mess it up? \u00a0Her car is parked under that tree. \u00a0Last fall it caught the leaves. \u00a0So as the buds start now, I know it will bloom in April. \u00a0March was the month that I was in my last trimester for both pregnancies. \u00a0As we get closer to April I always feel that pull and yearning. \u00a0I remember feeling scared and excited. \u00a0The blooming plants remind me how twice I was in full bloom at the same time. \u00a0Both kids arrived early. \u00a0Hayley made it in April, the 29th, making that month “her birthday month”. \u00a0She would say that the entire month was her birthday and that as soon as it was May 8th, Henry could start his month. \u00a0Of course Mother’s day always got lost in the joy of two birthdays a week apart. \u00a0I always went big on birthdays. \u00a0Parties, gifts, the best birthday cakes! \u00a0We did Disney as a surprise once. \u00a0It was wonderful and chaotic having their birthdays a week apart, but I would not have changed it. \u00a0\"\"<\/p>\n

So here it is, fucking March. \u00a0My mood is changing. \u00a0The weather can’t make up it’s mind either. \u00a0I feel that sense of excitement and then it is quickly replaced by a deep sadness followed by guilt for the child that will still have his birthday. \u00a0The one that won’t have the sister he loved to tease him that her birthday came first since she was number one and that it lasted right up until his. \u00a0Maybe he is feeling the same way. \u00a0If he is I don’t think he will be able to articulate it for years to come. \u00a0Hayley helped out at all his parties. \u00a0It didn’t matter that once it was a dozen 13 year old boys, going to play paintball. \u00a0She was there and very pissed off Henry wouldn’t let her play. \u00a0I remember a feeling of sadness at the loss of my sweet boy. \u00a0I watched him joyfully shooting paint on his friends while Hayley and I watched and ate licorice. \u00a0I knew he would never again refer to himself as “momma’s sweetie”. \u00a0I remember the one kid who was way more mature than the others wanting to ride home with Hayley. \u00a0I groaned on the inside. \u00a0Poor Henry, always Hayley McCutcheon’s little brother. \u00a0\"\"<\/p>\n

As April approaches this was the time I felt the biggest pull of motherhood. \u00a0Birthdays and mother’s day right around the corner. \u00a0The earth blooming. \u00a0Hayley loved her birthday, she loved me for making each one special. \u00a0How will I survive April? \u00a0How have I survived 7 months without her?<\/p>\n

It feels like the tides that we loved to watch. \u00a0When you look up tides in a thesaurus, you see words like ebb, direction, course, drag, drift, wave, or flux. \u00a0These words are such good descriptive words for where my grief is right now. \u00a0It is an ebb and a flow. \u00a0I can remember Hayley and I looking for sand dollars for hours. \u00a0As the tide was changing direction we would run out to see if we could find one and run back as the water chased us, screaming and giggling. \u00a0PNW ocean is never warm. \u00a0I feel that my grief will be drifting out to with the tide only to turn course and come crashing back around my ankles just like those times on the beach. \u00a0I can feel and hear her but I can’t reach her in the tide. \u00a0Sometimes the tide drags me out and makes me fight the waves to get back to shore. \u00a0This happened yesterday.<\/p>\n

Henry asked me to please get him girl scout cookies; he has a thin mint addiction. \u00a0I agreed. \u00a0I mailed some bracelets at mail post and headed towards Safeway. \u00a0I hear very loud giggling and screaming only to turn the corner to find a swarm of Daisy Girl Scouts. \u00a0For those that don’t know, Daisies are Girls Scouts that are in Kindergarten. \u00a0They have their own “petals” to earn to complete their Daisy on their uniform. \u00a0I waited my turn and watched the mom say over and over “quiet ladies; \u00a0One at a time girls; Say thank you; take turns”. \u00a0It was my turn, I asked for four boxes and asked them to tell me how much I owed. \u00a0The cutie in charge of the money was clearly counting when miss smarty pants to the left spouted off 20. \u00a0I patiently kept my attention on the first girl and asked HER if that was correct. \u00a0I had at least four little hands grabbing at my 20, but I gave it to her. \u00a0They literally tossed cookie boxes into my bag. \u00a0I giggled when the mom said “ladies careful these are precious cargo”. \u00a0Yes they are. \u00a0As I walked into the store I begin to remember. \u00a0My friend, Tena, and I were the troop leaders for Hayley’s Daisy group. \u00a0Of course being overachievers we always picked the most complicated activities to earn the petals. \u00a0But I remembered like I was there the first time we stood outside of Safeway and tried to corral our troop. \u00a0They had been just as excited and practically attacked every shopper. \u00a0I was that mom trying to calm down the competitive ones and give the shy ones a little push. \u00a0I started to shake in Safeway and the tears were threatening. \u00a0Hayley was the cutest Daisy Scout ever. \u00a0I suddenly could not remember everything Henry had asked me to buy at the store. \u00a0I felt ashamed when I realized that I had not been in Safeway for weeks. \u00a0Henry and Scott had been doing the shopping. \u00a0Sometimes I would send Henry in with my debit card and he did the shopping. \u00a0I quickly excited and was in a full out sob as I got to my car. \u00a0I tossed in the odd assortment of items I did get. \u00a0I sat with my head on the steering wheel. \u00a0When will this feeling of drowning stop? \u00a0I want my little Daisy Scout back. \u00a0The waves of that experience continued to hit me until Scott was home and a Xanax was on board. \u00a0I felt weak. \u00a0I feel like the course of my days are set by a tide table. \u00a0One I can’t predict.<\/p>\n

This morning I woke up screaming her name. \u00a0I had felt as if I was drowning. \u00a0Four a.m. and I am on the couch with the dogs hoping the 2nd Xanax kicks in quickly. \u00a0Henry woke up not feeling well either and I made him go to his first class that is a struggle and then brought him home. \u00a0I never got out of my pajamas to do that. \u00a0We both slept for several hours. \u00a0Even the puppy slept next to me. \u00a0He knew the tide was high. \u00a0I took him to the dog wash just so I could accomplish something and because he was so stinky. \u00a0I failed today. \u00a0I didn’t get anything I wanted accomplished done. \u00a0I have no clue what Henry ate and the dog decided to lay outside in the muddy grass. \u00a0 \u00a0I often dream of Hayley as a mermaid. \u00a0Scott likes this image too.\u00a0\"\"<\/p>\n

When will the ebb and flow of pain soften and smooth the surface? \u00a0When will the sand stop moving under my feet? \u00a0When will the elusive perfect sand dollar be in reach.\u00a0The tide was just too high for me today.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Lately I have been craving to be at the ocean. \u00a0I asked the boys if we could go this weekend, no school Friday. \u00a0Henry acted like I asked him to eat the dog shit he reluctantly picks up. \u00a0“Mom can’t we just stay home for once, \u00a0we were just in San Francisco”. \u00a0Sigh, I could … <\/p>\n

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