I think I am avoiding real life. \u00a0In real life we are a two income family. \u00a0Half of our income comes from Scott, half from the person that I was before July. \u00a0I am forever grateful for everyone that donated to the go fund me page. \u00a0I have been so self conscious about that. \u00a0But without it we would be in big financial trouble. \u00a0It also allowed Scott to be home for 3 months. \u00a0I don’t even remember what we did during that time but sleep a lot. \u00a0It seems a blur. \u00a0Thanks to the fund and unemployment I have been able to grieve in private. \u00a0But I have to get back to work. \u00a0But I don’t know what to do. \u00a0I had the job that was a great fit for me. \u00a0It was ruined by the greed and narcissism of a small number of people. \u00a0I didn’t get a chance to grieve the loss of my job because something so much worse happen.<\/p>\n
How do I apply and interview. \u00a0I can see it, “Please hire me I only cry 8 times a day now”. \u00a0I am pretty sure that interview won’t go long. \u00a0I can’t imagine trying to “sell” myself. \u00a0How do I sell something so broken, so sad and so inefficient. \u00a0The solution is to work for myself. \u00a0But that takes time and money I don’t have right now. \u00a0I am moving down the path of being a college planner for families in my community. \u00a0Parents would pay me to help their child navigate the complicated world of applying for college. \u00a0I won’t be working with the Ivy League kids, but the ones like Hayley. \u00a0Kids that want to stay in the PNW maybe go South. \u00a0I think I would be good at it. \u00a0It will require more schooling and the time to build up clients before I am back on track.<\/p>\n
Option two is my dream. \u00a0Actually Hayley’s too. \u00a0We even wrote a business plan together. \u00a0We wanted to open a self dog wash here in Sammamish. \u00a0Similar to a car wash for dogs. \u00a0There is one at Marymoor that is no frills. \u00a0Mine would have tools to groom your dog, leave the mess and go home happy. \u00a0We have the name, Bark Club. \u00a0We had the marketing ideas and how we would get it started. \u00a0Our fantasy was to open where Yo Plateau was. \u00a0Hayley thought it would be cool to have it where she had her first job. \u00a0She and Henry would work there in the summer. \u00a0I could bring one of our dogs to work with me. \u00a0That was the plan, the goal.<\/p>\n
But I am currently paralyzed by my grief and the financial challenges of either option. \u00a0How do I stop worrying and step forward? \u00a0Can I step forward? \u00a0That would feel like leaving Hayley behind. \u00a0I am still in the denial phase. \u00a0This can’t be happening, I will wake up soon. \u00a0I have survived every type of life challenge you can imagine starting in the 5th grade. \u00a0It shaped me in positive ways. \u00a0It is probably while I am still standing. \u00a0I went to a different school each year until High School. \u00a0You could become an introvert and not get close to anyone so it won’t hurt when you move again. \u00a0But what I did was get close to people quickly and hang on tight even when I left. \u00a0Thanks to social media I have friendships that survived Kindergarten, Junior High and High School. \u00a0I have new friends that I grasped in my time of need while leaning on the old ones too. \u00a0I think the reason I was able to get close to people quickly was that I was alway looking for that unconditional love. \u00a0Love that was not dependent on behavior, grades, or all the things marriages demand of us. \u00a0I finally had that with Hayley. \u00a0I love my Henry so much it hurts to let him out of my sight each day. \u00a0But Hayley was built like me, she had my personality, we thought the same way, she was truly my soul mate in a way that Scott or Henry can never match. \u00a0I don’t know if it was being the first born or female or both. \u00a0But my best friend was my daughter. \u00a0Where was I going with this?………….<\/p>\n
Oh yeah, being able to move to the next phase, working again. \u00a0Contributing to supporting my family. \u00a0I think this writing is taking me down a path of how this challenge is different than all of the others. \u00a0In the past, there were things that didn’t change when something major did. \u00a0There was always something that I could cling too as the same. \u00a0In Junior High, when I moved and left my best friend. \u00a0We wrote letters and talked on the phone. \u00a0I knew that I could reach out to him whenever I needed to. \u00a0What I am missing now, there is no going back. \u00a0My family is not the same, my personality is not even the same. \u00a0How do you move to the next step when it seems so daunting.<\/p>\n
I am a clutter bug. \u00a0I like that description better than hoarder. \u00a0I think that the moving around a lot left this need to hold on to my “stuff”. \u00a0The problem is that this house has a gorgeous floorplan, but no fucking storage! \u00a0I am not sure what moron gave us a soaring 2nd floor ceiling in our front room but teeny tiny closets. \u00a0And god forbid you give us a closet in every room. \u00a0Seriously. \u00a0So here is what happens with items that I can’t part with, say I will deal with or need later. \u00a0Walk to garage door, open and toss in to the mounds of clutter. \u00a0Add the fact right now we have a new bathtub and vanity sitting in there for our master bath and you have a huge problem. \u00a0We have boxes from when my Dad died. \u00a0Things I need to go through and decide what to keep. \u00a0My Dad died 12 years ago. \u00a0Then we have boxes of Scott’s parent’s stuff. \u00a0Don’t forget that a couple of weeks before surgery, Hayley gutted her room. \u00a0College dorm life had taught her to try to live clutter free. \u00a0She wanted a new room and all that had to do with childhood or pre-college life was put in bins and boxes and you guessed it put in the garage. \u00a0When she came home for the summer she also put all of her dorm stuff in my bonus room\/office. \u00a0We painted her room. \u00a0She got new bedroom furniture. \u00a0The plan was we would move her stuff back in as she recovered. \u00a0She had visions of laying in bed propped up with pillows with a drink with a straw, while she bossed me around and told me what to keep and where to decorate. \u00a0That didn’t happen. \u00a0My office even has duffle bags from the dorm yet to be unpacked. \u00a0Laundry that was in her hamper. \u00a0The garage has a box of dance trophies, purses, and stuffed animals, pillow pets in huge black trash bags. \u00a0What do I do? \u00a0Today when we worked on the garage with our Uhaul truck for a dump run it was brutal. \u00a0It was like this:<\/p>\n
Scott holds up a box of old work stuff. \u00a0“Fuck yeah, let me toss that”. \u00a0Then the garden products. \u00a0Scott you can’t keep it, if we need that preen we will get some but have you seen the yard? \u00a0It is beyond what preen can do, toss it. \u00a0Then it is “Omg there is a box from her dorm with her favorite clothes. \u00a0Remember when she blamed you and Henry for throwing it away because she thought for sure it was in a garbage bag? \u00a0Yeah she was pissed”. \u00a0Figures it was in the garage. \u00a0“Oh wait, Hayley touched that, you can’t toss it” \u00a0“OMG, look she made this vase” \u00a0“OH shit that wipe board has her Western count down in her own writing, that stays” “I remember when we got those bears at the zoo two Christmas Eves ago” You got it, “that stays”. \u00a0If we had just cleaned the garage a year ago it would be so much easier. \u00a0We would not know what we were missing. \u00a0Scott really helped me understand the emotional connection to this stuff when he said something about the puppy. \u00a0He said “it feels so weird that she never met Finn, she would have liked him” \u00a0“She would have loved him, she wanted a golden retriever, this was not an accident Scott. \u00a0Plus she had a hand in it, the card “open when you want another dog” that was a deal closer for you. \u00a0She told you to get the dog” \u00a0“Maybe she is reincarnated as the dog” \u00a0“Scott how much have you had to drink? \u00a0First if it was her he would be a bigger asshole and for sure would take big dumbs in front of Henry’s bedroom door. \u00a0Second, time to lay off the Gin.”<\/p>\n
The garage has been our shame for over 10 years. \u00a0Scott would always open it and grab the mower and shut it quickly in case a neighbor saw our dirty little secret. \u00a0We would lock the door and put a sign “please leave closed” when we would have a party. \u00a0I have friends now that I have let see it because we need help and I don’t care about much anymore. \u00a0They all say, “oh honey you are not the only one who has a garage that looks like this” \u00a0I think they are full of shit. \u00a0I have a friend that said when we started this project, “our garage is a mess I need to work on that too”. \u00a0What? \u00a0Their garage has a car covered for protection and no clutter. \u00a0Is there imaginary shit I am not seeing? \u00a0This would be someone I would never let see my garage. \u00a0I know we will feel better when the garage and the inside of the house is clutter free. \u00a0But how do you do that. \u00a0Everything here was here when Hayley lived here. \u00a0That makes it special in my mind. \u00a0Yes, I know there is a show for this and that is exactly why they send a psychologist with the hosts.<\/p>\n
Don’t get me started on clothes. \u00a0Because I have gone through 6 sizes in the past 5 years. \u00a0I have wardrobes in each size. \u00a0It feels like such a waste and failure to get rid of anything smaller than what I am now. \u00a0This would not be a problem and probably is pretty common if we did not have the stupid triangle shaped closet from hell. \u00a0So no where but baskets on the floor to put these clothes.<\/p>\n
Where was I going with this?………Oh yeah, moving to the next step. \u00a0I feel that I can’t for the following reasons in no particular order:<\/p>\n
I am going to make a list and just try to check items off. \u00a0Go through a box a day. \u00a0Get rid of a bag of clothes or junk a day. \u00a0Sign up for that entrepreneur class. \u00a0In theory this sounds like a smart plan, but that is the thing about grief. \u00a0Plans never happen as planned. \u00a0You don’t know when you won’t be able to move for a day. \u00a0You don’t know when you will have to stop and scream and weep. \u00a0You don’t know how bad the physical pain of your loss will be each day. \u00a0Hayley used to say “I just want to pet all the dogs”, maybe that is my answer.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I think I am avoiding real life. \u00a0In real life we are a two income family. \u00a0Half of our income comes from Scott, half from the person that I was before July. \u00a0I am forever grateful for everyone that donated to the go fund me page. \u00a0I have been so self conscious about that. \u00a0But … <\/p>\n