The past week was long. \u00a0Usually the weeks blend together, not this one. \u00a0It had a distinct start, Sunday. \u00a0A finish, the next Sunday. \u00a0I choose to share my personal life in the hope that it helps someone. \u00a0Helps them know they are not alone. \u00a0Helps my friends know how I am doing. \u00a0My writing is where you will find honesty, not in the brave face I put forward. \u00a0I am constantly trying to find ways to honor Hayley. \u00a0Yes, part of me has this great fear she will be forgotten, that I, as her mom will be forgotten as people justly move on with their lives. This week it was license plate frames that say #belikehayley and be an organ donor.<\/p>\n
I finally wrote to Hayley’s recipients. \u00a0I have been warned it can take years for them to reach out. \u00a0This would be heart breaking for me. \u00a0I am trying not to check the mail every day, trying to forget the heartfelt letters I sent. \u00a0It will happen when it happens. \u00a0I am also starting to work on the Be Like Hayley Foundation. \u00a0We will have a small fundraising event this summer to get it started. \u00a0We have the goal of awarding $5,000 in college scholarships in Hayley’s name for the 2019 graduating class. \u00a0Any additional funds this first year will go to create family packs at the local ICU where we spent the worst week of our lives. \u00a0Things like socks, toothbrushes, etc. \u00a0You often are arriving there in a hurry and not everyone has this amazing community around them like we did. \u00a0If I needed a toothbrush brought to me at Cherry Hill, I would have had 25 by the end of the day. \u00a0But not everyone is that lucky and may be from out of town, even out of state. \u00a0I want to provide some comfort during the worst time of their lives.<\/p>\n
I don’t write about Scott and Henry that much. \u00a0It may seem that I have forgotten my other child. \u00a0 This is so absolutely wrong on so many levels. \u00a0I choose to offer him privacy. \u00a0I figured out early on that a well meaning parent was talking about the blog and their child heard them and then said something to Henry like “your mom says you guys need food”. \u00a0So for those that have kids that may know Henry, just be careful what and how you say it in front of them. \u00a0Henry’s way of dealing with the notoriety of being the kid whose sister died is to lay low. \u00a0He doesn’t wear a #belikehayley bracelet and he doesn’t talk about it, at all. \u00a0He doesn’t want to be like her, he wants her here with him. \u00a0He instantly went from one half of a pair to an only child. \u00a0I am 47 years old and still can’t wrap my brain around what happen. \u00a0I cannot still function 100%. \u00a0His 15 year old brain may not really understand the emotions he is feeling but he is doing better than me. \u00a0The professionals had told us it may take 6 months or longer for it to really hit him or manifest. \u00a0Well like clockwork, 8 months in, I believe his grief has been cooking inside him. \u00a0Lots of feelings or ingredients that he didn’t recognize and now it is starting to boil over. \u00a0He still may look the same to his friends, but to adults he is different. \u00a0His sleep is not good and he is currently fighting beside me with a sinus infection which really has him worn down. \u00a0Add in the stress of High School and it is amazing he is doing so well. \u00a0I know he wishes I would stop asking him about how he is. \u00a0I usually get no specifics so I will try more direct questioning, are you sad about your sister? \u00a0Usually I get a “well duh mom of course I am sad” or once a “WTF Mom, what do you think?”. \u00a0Ahhh, he IS still a 15 year old boy. \u00a0So now at the the start of the week I witnessed his grief, then witnessed Scott’s grief as he comforted Henry. The other half of my heart is now broken.<\/p>\n
This broken heart has manifested itself in physical ways. \u00a0More of the same and some new battles. \u00a0I have a sinus infection and a side of bronchitis but with no cough. \u00a0My doctor listened to my lungs and when I pointed out I had no cough, she said oh I hear it, just wait for it if you want or take this really strong ass antibiotic and dig out your inhaler. \u00a0I am so tired. \u00a0This tired is still the same bone deep tired of the last 8 months but now I care more about how bad the house is and not able to physically do something about it, \u00a0just frustrates me. \u00a0Scott had a very stressful week at work with major changes. \u00a0He is not a fan of change. \u00a0So between both my boys it was stressful and I had to be the strong one. \u00a0But it seems like we take a hit of some kind every time there is a small glimmer of hope that I can keep putting one foot in front of the other. \u00a0A lot of this I bring on to myself. \u00a0We have been waiting years to remodel our master bathroom. \u00a0We have been stressed about potential leaks going on behind the walls and under the tub. \u00a0We finally started moving forward slowly. \u00a0Months ago I purchased a tub and vanity from Costco. \u00a0I love Costco. \u00a0I found the right people to work with and am acting as my own designer and general contractor. \u00a0We are so lucky to have two men working on it that are friends too. \u00a0So Saturday one of them and Scott started the demo. \u00a0So now I have the added stress of a gutted bathroom and sharing the very tiny 2nd bathroom with a 15 year old boy. \u00a0Plus the reality that we probably bit off more than we can chew considering I still have not found a new job. \u00a0Poor Scott could barely move Sunday morning from Saturday’s manual labor, but he rallied to take me to the Ale House for my favorite brunch. \u00a0I tempted him with a reminder of how much he likes their bloody Marys and wouldn’t that help the pain. \u00a0He was two Marys in and we had a really great meal. \u00a0We even had not ran out of things to talk about. \u00a0This may be why I didn’t notice that my antibiotic laden stomach was trying to signal me SOS. \u00a0Our favorite waitress, Karen came with her bill when suddenly I had to GO. \u00a0I didn’t have to go as in leave the restaurant. \u00a0I didn’t have something trigger a crying jag and was trying to get out of the restaurant in a hurry. \u00a0Nope, I wasn’t that lucky. \u00a0I happen to be sitting with my back to the restroom wall. \u00a0I practically shoved Karen out of my way to head there as quickly as possible. \u00a0As I rounded the table next to us with the couple sharing one side of the table. \u00a0How cute. \u00a0I began a tiptoe small step movement with my legs because just like in the Bridesmaid scene in the street, “It’s happening”. \u00a0I was actually pooping my pants. \u00a0Not a skid. \u00a0Not an almost. \u00a0By the time I got to the bathroom it had soaked through my Atlheta gray joggers and I was left in the stall in tears and no cell phone. \u00a0Okay, I said to myself you can handle this, just don’t throw up, maybe it has not soaked through to the other side. \u00a0Fuck, yep, it for sure had. \u00a0Oh my god, Dawn, get a hold of yourself you need a plan here. \u00a0I had no jacket, no cell, nothing but the humiliation. \u00a0I pulled my tee down as far as it would go, not far enough and stuck my head out the door hoping Karen would come by. \u00a0Nope, remember, unlucky! \u00a0A woman attempts to enter. \u00a0I seriously for a second, thought about blocking her entering. \u00a0“oh HI, no, I am not done, just need to back up to the sink here and wash my hands” \u00a0Shit. \u00a0While she was in the stall I knew I had a very limited amount of time, like on a stop watch, before she came out and would quickly see what the problem was. \u00a0I exited and headed out of the backdoor. \u00a0Ha ha, yes I get it. \u00a0Walking as fast as my discomfort allowed. \u00a0I got to our car and thank goodness Scott’s pain had distracted him and he left the car unlocked. \u00a0Keep in mind I have now left him sitting in the restaurant for a good 15 minutes. \u00a0I found a jacket in the car, tied it around my waist and headed towards the front door. \u00a0Just as I reached it I saw Karen going by with eggs and bacon. \u00a0Really no importance as to what she was carrying but it left an impression on me. \u00a0I said “psst, Karen, I had a little problem, could you tell Scott to grab my stuff and meet me in the car. \u00a0She actually chuckled and said no problem. \u00a0I went to the car and climbed into the driver’s seat sitting on so many coats I had found in the car that my head was practically touching the ceiling. \u00a0My two bloody Marys in husband comes out and is “what the hell is going on?”. \u00a0“I shit my pants”. \u00a0“You what?”. \u00a0“Seriously do not make me repeat it, I shit my pants Scott as in I am sitting in shit right now”. \u00a0Is that clear enough? \u00a0“That is disgusting, what is wrong with you?” and \u00a0“don’t forget to stop for gas”. \u00a0WTF. \u00a0I am not stopping for gas I am sitting in my own shit on a pile of my own coats. \u00a0He can’t even look at me he is so disgusted. \u00a0He then says “Well you are going to take a shower right?”. \u00a0OMG, how many drinks did he have? \u00a0“What do you think Scott? \u00a0Of course I am.” \u00a0I swear his disgust was both warranted and really pissed me off. \u00a0He could not look at me the rest of the day. \u00a0Which is fine because I spent it curled up in a ball with my wet hair from my very long shower and occasionally cringing and crying as I relived my humiliation.<\/p>\n
So here we are the middle of the night, telling lots of people I shit myself. \u00a0I am itchy from the antibiotics so took a midnight shower. \u00a0So no-one can say I hold back or shy away from anything embarrassing. \u00a0And if you have had the experience of shitting yourself and you are not a toddler, well look you are not alone and I hope you feel a lot better about yourself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The past week was long. \u00a0Usually the weeks blend together, not this one. \u00a0It had a distinct start, Sunday. \u00a0A finish, the next Sunday. \u00a0I choose to share my personal life in the hope that it helps someone. \u00a0Helps them know they are not alone. \u00a0Helps my friends know how I am doing. \u00a0My writing … <\/p>\n