![\"\"](\"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/03\/1-300x169.jpg\")
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"My life is a winding river. \u00a0Sometimes it is sunny and sometimes it is raining. \u00a0Since Hayley’s death there has been a boulder in the middle of my river. \u00a0The river is my life, my days. \u00a0The water, time. \u00a0Every morning a leaf falls into my river and begins it journey. \u00a0It encounters many obstacles. \u00a0Some are small and some are bigger. \u00a0But nothing is as big as the boulder. \u00a0Small obstacles are fallen branches or small piles of rocks. \u00a0These may be how I feel physically that day. \u00a0There may be a branch to navigate around that is my Fibromyalgia pain. \u00a0A small rock may be the headache I went to sleep with and it was still there in the morning. \u00a0A fallen tree along the edge of the river may be a social engagement I made that I must navigate through. \u00a0As my leaf floats along, it may go around the fallen branch or it may go under coming out water logged on the other side. \u00a0Tired and floating slower the rest of the day. \u00a0As it floats along there are dips and currents. \u00a0These are memories that assault me all day every day. \u00a0It could be a piece of clothing of hers that is mixed in with my clothes. \u00a0It is the pink petals of her flowering plum tree that are littering
\nher beloved car as it sits lonely in the driveway. \u00a0It is a piece of mail with her name on it. \u00a0It is a photo on Facebook of one of her friends moving on with their lives, doing the things she should be doing. \u00a0The water gets rougher and my leaf must navigate these bends in the river.<\/p>\n
Sometimes it gets caught on one of those branches and it doesn’t move on for a long time. \u00a0The force of the water, of time, still hits the leaf as it is snagged but it won’t budge. \u00a0It is frozen in place. \u00a0The water runs over the leaf and the tears keep me in place. \u00a0It becomes rough around the edges as the current pushes past. \u00a0Something jars it loose. \u00a0It is time to pick up Henry. \u00a0That lunch date.<\/p>\n
The path the leaf takes every single day is always different. \u00a0The one thing that is absolutely the same is the big boulder in the middle. \u00a0There are only three options for my leaf. \u00a0It can go to the right where the water is calm, a memory of love, a smile, a feeling of being the luckiest Mom in the world because she was mine for 19 years. \u00a0The leaf rarely goes right. \u00a0If it goes left the current is rough and it bounces along getting more water logged until it sinks to the bottom. \u00a0That leaf took a xanax. \u00a0Then there is the third option, the leaf runs smack into the boulder and is stuck there for the rest of the day. \u00a0It is a memory of cpr, her pain, regrets, guilt, sadness, tears and everything I did wrong that holds that leaf against the boulder. \u00a0Eventually the leaf drifts to the bottom of the river where its day’s journey ends.<\/p>\n
I can’t predict the path the leaf must take. \u00a0I can’t tell you\u00a0what time it will encounter the boulder. \u00a0All I can tell you is each and every day as my feet hit the floor another leaf falls into the water.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My life is a winding river. \u00a0Sometimes it is sunny and sometimes it is raining. \u00a0Since Hayley’s death there has been a boulder in the middle of my river. \u00a0The river is my life, my days. \u00a0The water, time. \u00a0Every morning a leaf falls into my river and begins it journey. \u00a0It encounters many obstacles. … <\/p>\n