{"id":377,"date":"2018-04-12T04:43:40","date_gmt":"2018-04-12T04:43:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/?p=377"},"modified":"2018-04-12T04:43:40","modified_gmt":"2018-04-12T04:43:40","slug":"april-rains-bring","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/2018\/04\/12\/april-rains-bring\/","title":{"rendered":"April Rains Bring…"},"content":{"rendered":"

What is that phrase… April Rains bring May showers? \u00a0Yeah, not here. \u00a0It has rained and rained. \u00a0What it has brought me is filthy floors from a dog that loves to be out in the rain and dig in the mud. \u00a0Get a golden retriever they said, it will be good for you they said. \u00a0So much this month. \u00a0We started a bathroom remodel. \u00a0We had leaks a long time ago in our master bathroom so it was time to rip somethings out and make sure it was all okay, so might as well remodel. \u00a0That logic makes sense right. \u00a0Well being that I lack strong cognitive skills right now I didn’t really sit down and calculate how much it would cost. \u00a0Uh oh, is right. \u00a0It is the one room money pit. \u00a0 How can a room that is 12 feet by 11 feet cost this much to put back together. \u00a0Today, day 3, was the day of the flooding. \u00a0Evidently the builder used cheap ass plastic pipes that are brittle and break easily. \u00a0While we were out the poor contractor dealt with the first flood when a fluke accident had his hanging light fall and shear off a pipe. \u00a0Every towel in my house was used. \u00a0Then when we were home, it happen two more times. \u00a0So we are without water for the night. \u00a0The boys just keep pissing in the backyard which is not making me happy. \u00a0I have to fill the toilet tank with jugs of water. \u00a0I have stopped all liquids and solid foods for the evening. \u00a0I was so agitated by 7 o’clock I had a xanax for dinner. \u00a0I now have a better understanding of friends that have remodeled. \u00a0I can’t imagine doing more than a bathroom. \u00a0Plus I am the designer for the project and the general contractor. \u00a0No pressure. \u00a0Add that Scott is one of my “subs” and we are going to be in for a lot of refills this month.<\/p>\n

It is national donor awareness month. \u00a0Seems appropriate since Hayley’s birthday is the 29th. \u00a0Friday is green and blue day. \u00a0Wear the colors and if possible tag me in a photo using #donatelife and #belikehayley. \u00a0As soon as April hit my anxiety has climbed. \u00a0Birthdays are a big deal in our house. \u00a0She would begin planning her birthday back in February! \u00a0Hayley loved her birthday more than Christmas. \u00a0I threw the best birthday parties. \u00a0I loved every minute of the planning and the execution. \u00a0I loved the gift shopping. \u00a0I strived to find something she had not asked for but would love. \u00a0I don’t have that to do right now. \u00a0It is brutal. \u00a0When does it get easier?<\/p>\n

We accomplished a big milestone last weekend. \u00a0We traded Hayley’s car in for a car for Henry. \u00a0He didn’t want to drive HER car. \u00a0I get it, but it was so hard not to have it in the driveway. \u00a0That was her baby. \u00a0She loved having her squad in her car and it was her means to get back and forth from school to see me. \u00a0This was the most difficult thing for Scott so far. \u00a0For me there was also some relief. \u00a0Every time I would drive into the driveway, which is several times a day, I would see the car and have this fraction of a second of “Hayley’s home”! \u00a0It was fleeting but it still happen nearly every time. \u00a0I was always so happy to see that car. \u00a0Now I see a car that reminds me of Henry and his big milestone coming up without his sister. \u00a0The same week she would have been 20 he will be 16 without her. \u00a0He is hurting. \u00a0He has been for 8 months, but it is starting to show. \u00a0He sleeps a lot and school is becoming a challenge. \u00a0This afternoon he gave me a wonderful gift. \u00a0He took a nap on the couch with his head on a pillow in my lap. \u00a0I napped too with my hand resting on his head. \u00a0What a treat! \u00a0He is almost 16 and I know that these moments will be rare. \u00a0I even had to pee but I held it until he woke up because I wasn’t going to miss a minute.<\/p>\n

Today we went to Olympia for an awards ceremony for donor \"\"families. \u00a0I have been excited about it because any opportunity to honor her memory is a good day for me. \u00a0 I thought it would be great to be with “my people”. \u00a0Everyone there has experienced the same pain I have. \u00a0But there is where it went wrong for me. \u00a0There were about 80-100 people in a formal room in our beautiful capital building. \u00a0The chairs were tight so we were all sitting arm to arm, butt to butt. \u00a0What was I thinking? \u00a0Yes, being honored by the Governor is thoughtful and appreciated. \u00a0Being in a room with 100 people that also loved and lost in the last year is very intense. \u00a0Governor Inslee was very authentic and sincere. \u00a0His own son recently was the recipient of a cornea transplant. \u00a0After they read the names of all 120 people that have been organ donors in the past year in Washington state. \u00a0Every name has a story. \u00a0Every name has a family. \u00a0My grief is so overwhelming and invades every breath that I have become so self centered. \u00a0I feel as if I am the only one hurting this much. \u00a0I feel I lost the most. \u00a0I lost my best friend, no one could possible understand how I battle each and every single day. \u00a0I realized at that moment how egocentric I have been. \u00a0Because those people in that room, they get it. \u00a0I got more agitated as the names were read. \u00a0Sometimes a family member would make a wounded sound when their loved one’s name was read. \u00a0People cried. \u00a0When it happened, “Hayley McCutcheon”, I wanted to stand up and scream, did you hear that name, that was my child, that is my love, my heart and my soul, that name. \u00a0She should still be here don’t you understand. \u00a0I don’t want to be a part of a group. \u00a0I want to be alone with my grief. \u00a0I want to keep her alive in my world. \u00a0If they read her name with all of your deceased loved ones, how can I pretend this is not happening? \u00a0I can’t.<\/p>\n

After the ceremony we had a reception with lunch. \u00a0We were encouraged to circulate and hear other’s stories. \u00a0What? \u00a0I tried. \u00a0The first was the lady I sat next to in the ceremony. \u00a0Her 27 year old daughter was killed by a drunk driver 6 weeks before her wedding and the same week Hayley died. \u00a0I heard the story and I heard how little jail time the driver was going to get. \u00a0I watched her shake with anger. \u00a0I tried to ask appropriate questions. \u00a0She asked about Hayley but she really wasn’t listening, you could see she was lost in her story and thinking about the pending sentencing of the woman that destroyed her life. \u00a0I saw my own self centeredness reflected back at me. \u00a0We left with some flowers and a certificate. \u00a0The certificate is like so many I have in my Hayley box. \u00a0Certificates for soccer, dance, and student of the month. \u00a0Now I had another to add. \u00a0A piece of paper that basically says good job on your decision to give life to others when you died at 19. \u00a0I want to burn it.<\/p>\n

It felt like a funeral reception for so many. \u00a0I just felt so sad for all of these people, because I know how they feel. \u00a0The food was excellent, so on top of being sad, I blew my diet. \u00a0They had a table with like five different cookie bars. \u00a0Fruit, Quiche, wraps. \u00a0I was like an unsupervised toddler at a birthday party. \u00a0I believe that I am glad we went. \u00a0If it was an annual thing, I wouldn’t go again, but every single person that works for Life Center NW was there to honor us and Hayley. \u00a0The sincerity and appreciation that was shown was beyond compare. \u00a0It truly takes special people to choose that line of work. \u00a0Really extraordinary people.<\/p>\n

The week of April 23rd, Q13 Fox will air Hayley’s story. \u00a0It was filmed weeks ago and has been delayed a few times. \u00a0It won’t all be about Hayley but we are thankful to my friend that is producing the piece. \u00a0I believe it will show organ donation in the light it deserves. \u00a0It should also be posted on their webpage if you miss it so I will make sure to share the link. \u00a0Some of the interview is now dated but hopefully will still be impactful. \u00a0I have more to tell, more to share but I am not ready yet. \u00a0Wear blue and green for Hayley on Friday. \u00a0Ask friends and family if they are a donor. \u00a0If not refer them to www.lcnw.org for more information and a way to register. \u00a0Thank you to this community of readers for supporting me and always lifting me up.<\/p>\n

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 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What is that phrase… April Rains bring May showers? \u00a0Yeah, not here. \u00a0It has rained and rained. \u00a0What it has brought me is filthy floors from a dog that loves to be out in the rain and dig in the mud. \u00a0Get a golden retriever they said, it will be good for you they said. … <\/p>\n

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