It has been 10 days since I posted.\u00a0 As April 29th approaches I am barely hanging on.\u00a0 This makes it hard to write but it also makes it more crucial that I do write.\u00a0 Writing keeps me sane.\u00a0 April 29th along with May 8th are the two most important dates in my entire life.\u00a0 Hayley and Henry’s birthdays.\u00a0 I loved having them so close together.\u00a0 When they were little we even had a couple of big joint birthday parties because Hayley’s friends were Henry’s friends.\u00a0 They let him follow them around and always did a great job including him.\u00a0 Although sometimes that resulted in excellent blackmail photography like the time she dressed him one by one in each of her dance costumes and haw him pose appropriately.\u00a0 He had so much fun.\u00a0 Anytime he had attention from her, he was a happy kid.\u00a0 He was her shadow.\u00a0 That boy sat through so many dance recitals and dance competitions it might be considered child abuse.\u00a0 He even took a class one year and had his own recital performance.\u00a0 Like many activities Henry does, he tries it once and then is done.\u00a0 He said “I like to try different things and that wasn’t my thing.\u00a0 I just wanted to see why she likes it”.<\/p>\n
Once April started, the birthday talk was on.\u00a0 She loved celebrating birthdays.\u00a0 Her own was her favorite!\u00a0 She loved it more than Christmas.\u00a0 April was when I had to start planning parties for both kids and brainstorm with Scott the perfect present.\u00a0 I thrived on creating birthday memories for both kids.\u00a0 There was the Bellevue Westin surprise shopping, movie, dinner and sleepover party.\u00a0 There was the epic carnival themed party at Beaver Lake that we invited Henry’s entire class for.\u00a0 Hayley’s friends manned the different booths and activities.\u00a0 There was the surprise joint Disneyland trip.\u00a0 There was the car on the 16th birthday.\u00a0 That is only some of her celebrations.\u00a0 Do you know why I did it every single year?\u00a0 Because she never took it for granted.\u00a0 \u00a0She never acted spoiled.\u00a0 This made spoiling her a true joy.\u00a0 She would tell Henry her birthday went from the 29th until his on the 8th, it was a birthday week.\u00a0 She would wave her hand and say “you can have any days you want after that but you have to share it with Mom, mother’s day”.<\/p>\n
Last year her first college birthday fell on a Saturday.\u00a0 She was so happy about being home for her birthday.\u00a0 I think she expected a marching band to greet her in front of the house when she drove in on Friday.\u00a0 Her smile always sparkled on her birthday.\u00a0 She wanted a homemade cake most years but as she got older it was only a Safeway cake that would do.\u00a0 She wanted a plain cake for her 18th birthday.\u00a0 I didn’t listen, I ordered a Monster University cake.\u00a0 Cute right?\u00a0 She was going to college.\u00a0 OMG, she pitched a fit in Safeway.\u00a0 I have never been so shocked to see bratty behavior.\u00a0 Evidently I should have listened.\u00a0 After I calmed down I took the cake back to the bakery and begged them to make it generic.\u00a0 We pulled Sully and Mike off the cake.\u00a0 I did put them on the counter to remind her how insane she acted over a cake!\u00a0 I didn’t realize that 18 was time for adult cakes not kid cakes.\u00a0 I was in denial.<\/p>\n
My nightmares have become more frequent.\u00a0 They happen during the day too.\u00a0 Something will click and a memory will start to play on repeat until I am a puddle of tears.\u00a0 The worst are of the night I saw her die.\u00a0 The most annoying has been the brain worm of a song she would sing to me.\u00a0 If she caught me dressing she would sing “do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro…” you know the tune.\u00a0 It is then stuck the rest of the day.\u00a0 She thought this was hysterical and would not stop until I reminded her that it was her fault since she breast fed for 2 years.\u00a0 For some reason she loved this, she seem to feel proud and connected to me.<\/p>\n
April has been incredibly eventful.\u00a0 Some things are too new to write about.\u00a0 But it is that date slowly approaching that has me in a sweat dripping panic.\u00a0 I used to love April.\u00a0 Now each and every day that goes by is a slow walk through hell.\u00a0 When I became close to one of my best friends who had lost her daughter when the girls were 6 I asked her how did it feel.\u00a0 She would always say “a slow walk through hell”.\u00a0 14 years later and she is still walking that path.<\/p>\n
In addition to the vivid memories and the deep aching pain, the anger has also been an issue this month.\u00a0 Anger at the people that made her feel her body was not good enough.\u00a0 Anger at the adults that did not protect her from those people.\u00a0 I am furious when I hear those people say that the high school is a safe and loving place for students.\u00a0 I call bullshit.\u00a0 When I see a “Wolf Strong Pack Strong” sticker I want to vomit.\u00a0 I am angry at the doctors that caused the issue, the ones that couldn’t diagnose it and the ones that told us she was gone with little or no emotion.\u00a0 I am angry at all of them.\u00a0 They destroyed my world.\u00a0 But most of all I am angry at myself for not saving her, for not doing enough to save her.\u00a0 I was her advocate and I failed.<\/p>\n
The battle is real, it continues.\u00a0 There is no timeline for grief.\u00a0 I wish there was.\u00a0 I wish it was like recovering from an accident.\u00a0 A predictable recovery.\u00a0 It is not.\u00a0 It is unpredictable, brutal, soul crushing, painful, exhausting and never ending.\u00a0 Most decisions are made at the last minute and I usually change my mind at least 3 times.\u00a0 We decided this last few days to go to Seabrook on the Washington Coast.\u00a0 Hayley lived for the ocean.\u00a0 I am hoping that being there will bring even a small speck of calm and peace.\u00a0 I convinced or bullied, kind of the same thing to me, my cousin into flying up from Vegas to spend the weekend with us.\u00a0 My brother, sister in law and nieces will also come for the day.\u00a0 We plan on releasing lanterns on the beach that night.\u00a0 There will be a cake but she will not be there to blow out the candles.<\/p>\n
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It has been 10 days since I posted.\u00a0 As April 29th approaches I am barely hanging on.\u00a0 This makes it hard to write but it also makes it more crucial that I do write.\u00a0 Writing keeps me sane.\u00a0 April 29th along with May 8th are the two most important dates in my entire life.\u00a0 Hayley … <\/p>\n