{"id":390,"date":"2018-05-06T18:01:12","date_gmt":"2018-05-06T18:01:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/?p=390"},"modified":"2018-05-06T18:01:12","modified_gmt":"2018-05-06T18:01:12","slug":"a-heart-beats-on","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/2018\/05\/06\/a-heart-beats-on\/","title":{"rendered":"A Heart Beats On"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you follow the blog you may remember the 7 page letter that I wrote to Hayley’s heart recipient. \u00a0You can find it here.<\/a><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

I never sent that letter, I thought it might scare the woman away. \u00a0We had been told not to expect to hear from any recipients for at least a year and most often it took at least 2 years for them to be ready to contact a donor family. \u00a0The way it works is I, the donor family, writes a letter. \u00a0That letter gets sent to the O.P.O.; Organ Procurement Organization. \u00a0A family advocate reads the letter, makes a decision if any of it needs to be redacted (I love that word), redact, makes me think of what Cohen or Trump is probably doing right now! \u00a0Sorry, got distracted. \u00a0The letter is then forwarded to a counterpart that handles the recipient’s case. \u00a0Eventually the letter gets to the organ recipient. \u00a0I was not in a hurry to write this letter only because I had been so discouraged about the statistics of how long it takes to get a response. \u00a0I felt I deserved to know whose life my daughter saved. \u00a0At the same time I am lucky to know a recipient and through those conversations saw it from their perspective. \u00a0They deal with survivor guilt. \u00a0When I put myself in their shoes I can’t imagine what I would say to the mother of the donor that saved my life. \u00a0I just wouldn’t know. \u00a0Add that they just survived a life threatening time and you realize that their emotional and mental state must be just as erratic as mine. \u00a0So I get it. \u00a0I put off the letter, I suck at disappointment. \u00a0If I didn’t write then the control was still mine. \u00a0I couldn’t get hurt. \u00a0 \u00a0I hurt enough.<\/p>\n

In March I decided it was time to grow a pair and send the letters. \u00a0The worst thing that could happen was that I still didn’t know any more than I knew the day before. \u00a0I tried to keep the letter simple and one page. \u00a0I read it over and over looking for any words or phrases that would make these people feel anything remotely like guilt or reluctance. \u00a0I also tried not to sound crazy. \u00a0I just wanted to be me. \u00a0I wanted them to understand how happy I am for them. \u00a0That saving their lives gave me a purpose during the worse week of my entire life. \u00a0It gave me something positive to focus on and allowed my daughter to end her life as she lived it. \u00a0She was a beautiful and unselfish person at heart. \u00a0She wanted to live a life that helped others. \u00a0This was her final gift to the world.<\/p>\n

Let’s be honest, I also wanted to know what kind of people were living with a piece of my daughter. \u00a0I hoped they were grateful. \u00a0I hoped they were a good person. \u00a0I hoped they might not have voted for Trump! \u00a0I hoped they were loved.<\/p>\n

I told myself I had no expectations, yet I called the OPO the last week of March just to make sure they had gotten the letter and it had been forwarded. \u00a0I needed to know if it had arrived and they were choosing not to write me back. \u00a0I checked the mail daily much to our mailman’s delight. \u00a0Normally he is trying to cram a week’s worth of mail into that small space. \u00a0He politely asked me once if I lost my key. \u00a0No return letters. \u00a0You see I was told it might take a long time to get a response but I really couldn’t believe it. \u00a0I felt it would be ungrateful not to respond. \u00a0Then I would feel guilty for those thoughts. \u00a0I don’t know what they are facing in their lives. \u00a0But those were my honest feelings.<\/p>\n

On March 31st Scott was in Yakima at a golf thing. \u00a0I had sat noticed a new request on my phone. \u00a0Great another phishing scam. \u00a0I seem to get a lot of the fake requests from fake “friends”. \u00a0I was ready to delete the messenger request. \u00a0There was no message yet. \u00a0As my finger headed for the reject button I saw the telling dot, dot, dot that you see when the other person was typing. \u00a0Okay, I will wait for it, maybe it will be entertaining, nothing good was on CNN that day. \u00a0Boy was I wrong. \u00a0This is what I saw:<\/p>\n

Dear Dawn, I so very much hope that my contacting you like this is ok. I’ve just received the most beautiful letter I’ve ever read about your beautiful Hayley. My name is Elena and your daughter saved my life. Thank you!! Thank you for letting me stay with my family a little while longer. Write me back anytime. I’m always available for you. My heart will always be yours and Hayley’s. Much love, Elena<\/em><\/p>\n

I asked “Are you her?” \u00a0“Heart?”<\/em><\/p>\n

“Yes”\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

She then sent me a picture of my letter and the photo card of Hayley that I sent.<\/p>\n

I started ugly crying and talking to the dogs. \u00a0“it’s her, it’s really her”. \u00a0All I got was tail wags and blink blink. \u00a0I started calling people. \u00a0People that were there that week and read them the message. \u00a0Everyone cried. \u00a0My friend, Terri, came straight over with a bottle of lavender vodka and made us martinis. \u00a0I started to chat with Hayley’s heart recipient. \u00a0It was fitting Terri was here. \u00a0She was there every step of the way during those two weeks. \u00a0She witnessed everything I did. She was as thrilled and emotional as I was.<\/p>\n

She apologized for being impatient. \u00a0She said she was writing me back and decided to look up “Be Like Hayley” and found me. \u00a0I loved that, she was a rule breaker just like both Hayley and I. \u00a0How perfect. \u00a0I told her impatience was my middle name. \u00a0We begin to chat. \u00a0We begin to build a friendship. \u00a0We are of similar ages, she 44, me 47. \u00a0She has three teenagers. \u00a0Her sadness for me and the guilt was obvious in her messages. \u00a0I reassured her that she was giving me a gift. \u00a0Since that day we chat often. \u00a0On Thursday we talked on the phone.<\/p>\n

Today I will meet her. \u00a0I will get to listen to Hayley’s heart. \u00a0It will be filmed by Q13 and my friend. \u00a0She has been working on Hayley’s story since December when we first talked about how could that story make a difference. \u00a0It worked out perfectly. \u00a0The first filming we did I talked a lot about what it would mean to meet her heart recipient. \u00a0The story had not aired yet so now it will include our meeting today.<\/p>\n

How do I feel? \u00a0I feel excited and nervous. \u00a0Excited to give my new friend a big hug. \u00a0Nervous that I will completely lose it and ugly cry all over her. \u00a0Scott will not be there. \u00a0He is not ready. \u00a0I am trying to understand. \u00a0I am respecting his decision. \u00a0(see I can be a grown up when needed)<\/p>\n

The meeting will take place at my Brother’s home in Orting. \u00a0This is about half way between her home and mine. \u00a0I wanted to share this with my brother and sister in law. \u00a0They were there every minute. \u00a0I want them to be included. \u00a0So I have my stethoscope ready, I figured this was better than sticking my face in her chest. \u00a0I will listen to my child’s heart beat. \u00a0I can remember hearing it for the first time in utero in 1997. \u00a0I can hear it as I laid my head on her chest last July as they prepared to take her from me. \u00a0I don’t know how I will feel. \u00a0Will I recognize it? \u00a0I am so happy it continues to beat for such a quality person. \u00a0But it is hard to wrap my brain around it. \u00a0Hayley’s ashes sit in a beautiful blue urn on my mantel. \u00a0How can a part of her body still be alive? \u00a0The science behind it is mind blowing and honestly really difficult to wrap my brain around. \u00a0If I think too hard about it I can’t handle it. \u00a0I think about how amazing that heart was. \u00a0It was beautiful, it was healthy, it was golden, it loved big, it laughed long, it lived for the most important girl in my life. \u00a0I miss that heart with every fiber of my being. \u00a0If I think too hard I realize that if I am honest I am still in the denial phase. \u00a0She is just at school in Bellingham. \u00a0She will be home soon. \u00a0If I hear it beating for another how can my brain use that excuse. Has my brain used that to protect me? \u00a0What happens when it is gone?<\/p>\n

I think about her, the recipient. \u00a0She is so brave. \u00a0She has grieved for me. \u00a0I know she has. \u00a0But she will come face to face with my grief today. \u00a0I will have to be strong for her. \u00a0I have to shut down the thoughts of scars and words like donor or procurement. \u00a0I have to not think of the Sunday that Hayley was taken from me but the Monday that this single mother woke up and knew she would still be there for her daughter and sons. \u00a0I need her joy to be my joy. \u00a0I need to remind myself that we did exactly what Hayley wanted. \u00a0Her life was not wasted at the end. \u00a0It gave life to so many. \u00a0Her heart beats on and today I will hear it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If you follow the blog you may remember the 7 page letter that I wrote to Hayley’s heart recipient. \u00a0You can find it here. I never sent that letter, I thought it might scare the woman away. \u00a0We had been told not to expect to hear from any recipients for at least a year and … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “A Heart Beats On”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-390","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/390","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=390"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/390\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":391,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/390\/revisions\/391"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=390"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=390"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=390"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}