{"id":40,"date":"2017-08-20T10:00:46","date_gmt":"2017-08-20T10:00:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/?p=40"},"modified":"2017-08-20T10:02:19","modified_gmt":"2017-08-20T10:02:19","slug":"the-rules","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/2017\/08\/20\/the-rules\/","title":{"rendered":"The Rules"},"content":{"rendered":"

Right now, is a bad night.\u00a0 It is exactly one month since her official death.\u00a0 It is 20 years this week we announced our pregnancy.\u00a0 All my days are bad but some are worse than others, this is one of them.\u00a0 I thought writing would help.\u00a0 But I think if I write about the place I am in now it will make it worse.\u00a0 So, I will write, just for lightness.\u00a0 A rule book of sorts, maybe it will help.<\/p>\n

Disclaimer:\u00a0<\/strong> This is how I feel, these are my rules.\u00a0 They may not apply to all grieving parents.<\/p>\n

The Golden rule<\/strong> of dealing with a grieving parent. Do not take anything they do or say personally.\u00a0 A parent that has lost a child gets a golden pass to do, say or act in any way needed. The exceptions are if my actions cause physical damage to another or are illegal.\u00a0 Even then I might push those limits.\u00a0 Nothing is about you.\u00a0 If a grieving parent tells you that you are not only an asshole but also an insensitive one.\u00a0 Do NOT<\/strong> take it personally, just give them some space.\u00a0 If after the one year mark they still have the same opinion of you than it may be true and you should probably accept that the relationship is over.<\/p>\n

It is ALL<\/strong> about their child and their pain.\u00a0 At our Friday Grief Counseling session he discussed with us the most common question those dealing with loss ask. \u00a0How long will I this pain and grief last? \u00a0His answer was based on his experience as a widower; \u00a0about 2 and a half years.\u00a0 He said most \u201cexperts\u201d say about one year.\u00a0 Because in one year you will have had a cycle of all the seasons, events, dates, and holidays at least once without that child.\u00a0 He asked me how long I thought it would take.\u00a0 \u201cForever\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0was my answer.\u00a0 But we still had time on his clock so he talked to me about Hayley.\u00a0 What would your daughter want?\u00a0 What do you think she would say if you were never happy again; if you and her Dad grew apart instead of closer. \u00a0It had not occurred to me at all what Hayley would want. \u00a0My first thought is that she would not want to be dead.\u00a0 But since this is not possible, I think about it quietly, hoping Scott will talk and I won\u2019t have to answer the question.\u00a0 I think for me it will not get easier for 4 to 6 years. \u00a0I am only guessing. \u00a0That is when friends have had those events that Hayley and I had discussed or dreamed about.\u00a0 For example, in 3 years she would have graduated from college the same week her brother graduated High School.\u00a0 We thought that was so cool.\u00a0 She constantly talked about both being the class of 2020.\u00a0 Her friends will be starting careers.\u00a0 She has wanted a career in law enforcement since junior high school.\u00a0 Her friends will date and fall in love.\u00a0 She was excited to move forward and start to date for the first time.\u00a0 We talked about it.\u00a0 It was part of the reason she wanted the surgery.\u00a0 She wanted control of her health and her appearance.\u00a0 Those 36H things were in her way both physically and mentally.<\/span><\/p>\n

Once her friends start doing things Hayley and I had not discussed yet, it might get easier. \u00a0When the first gets married; I will hurt.\u00a0 I will think of all those episodes of \u201csay yes to the dress\u201d we watched.\u00a0 When the first has a baby; I will hurt.\u00a0 But those were not things we talked about often, too far in the future.\u00a0 So for me I really feel that it may become easier after 5 years if I can survive that long. \u00a0At that point Henry will be one year into college and hopefully Scott and I will have figured out another new normal, the empty nest.<\/p>\n

Rules or Just Guidelines for Dealing with a Grieving Mother<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n

Now that the magic blue box on our porch is not yielding yummy surprises on a daily basis, the odds are I am going to have to start leaving the house.\u00a0 I can guarantee you that I will be going to Bartells to refill my Xanax prescription. \u00a0 You may run into me.\u00a0 I thought I would share some tips on how to handle these situations.<\/p>\n

Scenario #1 \u2013 Hide and Seek<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n

You see me, but I don’t see you. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Option A –<\/strong> you are having a great hair day.\u00a0 You are feeling good.\u00a0 You really don\u2019t want to be reminded of your worst nightmare as a parent by seeing the bags and grief up close on my face.<\/p>\n

Solution<\/strong> – make sure I don’t see you<\/p>\n

Option B<\/strong> \u2013 F*&k it might as well say hi and get it over with.<\/p>\n

Solution<\/strong> – approach slowly, smile, not big grin like you just discovered the most comfortable thong underwear ever. \u00a0 A small, calm, approachable smile will do.<\/p>\n

You took door number 2, what next?<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n

People generally greet each other a \u201cHi, how are you?\u201d.\u00a0 It literally is how we say Hi, we don\u2019t even think about it.\u00a0 When someone asks me that question they immediately feel awkward. Seriously, I can totally hear the conversation going on in their head because I have been there too.\u00a0 It probably goes something like this \u201cOMFG you just asked her how she was doing, are you an idiot?\u00a0 Her daughter died, of course she is not okay.!\u201d<\/p>\n

This question does not bother me. It does bother me when people get all flustered and say that was a dumb question or even answer it for ME.\u00a0 Let me answer it.\u00a0 I may just give the auto response \u201cok\u201d.\u00a0 That does not mean I am OK, of course I am not OK, are you an idiot?\u00a0 But my \u201cok\u201d is different now than yours.\u00a0 I may answer truthfully, \u201cI am having a rough day\u201d.<\/p>\n

In general, not just with a grieving mother, maybe we should start listening to the answer.\u00a0 If you don\u2019t really care how they are doing than just retrain yourself to say \u201chi\u201d.\u00a0 This is something I am personally working on.\u00a0 Because in my opinion, if you ask you should care what the answer is.<\/p>\n

You Conquered the Verbal Greeting.\u00a0 To Hug or Not to Hug?<\/u><\/strong><\/p>\n

Do your best to read my body language.<\/p>\n

Let me give you some hints on how to know the answer.<\/p>\n

No Hug<\/strong><\/p>\n