This past 8 weeks has felt like an emotional tornado. \u00a0I have had constant twists and turns with several touch downs. \u00a0It started with two of Hayley’s organ recipients reaching out the first week of the month; her heart and a kidney. \u00a0Both were exciting and happy contacts but so emotional. \u00a0Then it was on to Spring Break and Easter. \u00a0A time she should have been home sleeping in her own bed. \u00a0We then moved to the eye of the storm, her birthday on the 29th of April, her 20th. \u00a0We spent time in Seabrook on the Washington Coast with friends and family to celebrate her day. \u00a0On her birthday I came down with a sudden onset of bronchitis that I am still recovering from. \u00a0The next weekend on the 6th was the exciting event of meeting Hayley’s heart recipient in person. \u00a0Elena and I made a brave decision to let my friend, Marni, from Fox News film the moment. \u00a0This had so many layers of emotions. \u00a0Then my baby boy turned 16 on the 8th and drove away from the nest that morning on his own. \u00a0Then we had mother’s day. \u00a0This day included highs and lows. \u00a0The 15th Hayley’s and my story were shared with the world when the piece was aired on the local news. \u00a0Marni did such a beautiful job with the story that there was ugly crying all over the Pacific Northwest and in multiple states. \u00a0This brought on a flood of positive yet emotional messages and responses. \u00a0This was the point that we reached a category 5. \u00a0The tornado is still touching down and is predicted to last several more weeks.<\/p>\n
One of the best descriptions I saw from an observant friend was that I was in an emotional blender. \u00a0It has been on puree for so many weeks it feels like the new normal. \u00a0Add on top of the storm we have been doing a full bathroom remodel for 7 weeks. \u00a0We gutted it 7 weeks ago expecting to find major water damage from leaks we had neglected to deal with, since we kind of had other things kicking our butts. \u00a0Only to find minimal damage. \u00a0I was the designer and the general contractor. \u00a0I can’t really complain because we were lucky that our builders are friends. \u00a0I even had an expert friend who knows tile help me pick out the perfect choices, something that was really stressing me out and I talked about in another post. \u00a0The bathroom is 95% done and all I can say is Thank God I don’t have to share Henry’s tiny nasty teenage boy bathroom with him and Scott any more. \u00a0I have a beautiful shower with three different water fixtures. \u00a0I am in mermaid heaven. \u00a0It is my coastal retreat and I underestimated how much it would calm me to have it finished. \u00a0I hope that the rest of the final touches will be done in the next week. \u00a0I am so thankful to the friends that worked on it and I know made it financially possible for us to get it done. \u00a0Thank you, you know who you are. \u00a0If you need a bathroom, I know the guy for that.<\/p>\n
On top of the remodel and emotional tornado touch downs, I injured my arm the Friday of mother’s day weekend. \u00a0I was working on a project and picked up materials that included heavy glass pieces. \u00a0Did I wait to make multiple trips? \u00a0Would wonder woman make multiple trips? \u00a0Hell no. \u00a0I lined those bags on my left arm, grabbed a box in the right and up the driveway I went immediately regretting my decision but committed. \u00a0The next morning I woke up to find out what a torn or pulled muscle near your elbow feels like. \u00a0I can’t even scratch my nose with that arm. \u00a0Add to it all the fact that Henry and Scott got me an awesome gift, an inflatable stand up paddle board and I can’t paddle right now, it is really pissing me off. \u00a0It seems like when I make progress, like wanting to get out and exercise and paddle, something knocks me back. \u00a0Yes I am 100% whining in this post and totally feeling sorry for myself. \u00a0It even hurts to type.<\/p>\n
So my cat 5 tornado is starting to wind down just in time to for the next storm. \u00a0We will call the first storm Abercrombie because those models are all skinny bitches. \u00a0The next storm coming I think I will call Bertha. \u00a0Bertha is a heavy and life altering storm.<\/p>\n
Disclaimer: \u00a0I am sharing this news because I promised myself to be truthful, raw and authentic on this blog. \u00a0If you have positive comments, terrific. \u00a0If you have negative ones, I don’t want to hear it. \u00a0My decision is made and was made with a lot of thought and a lot of research. \u00a0I don’t need any additional negativity. \u00a0Keep that shit to yourself.<\/p>\n
I have never thought of myself as a fat girl. \u00a0When I graduated high school I weighed about 118 at 5’8, I needed to eat a burger. \u00a0College I filled out in all ways but was still at the right weight for my height. \u00a0As pregnancies happened I was a little more than I should be, but still felt comfortable in my clothes. \u00a0In 2009, to prep for my 20 year High School Reunion I began running 5ks and working on my overall health. \u00a0That all ended in cardiac arrest and heart surgery for a pacemaker in October. \u00a0From that year on, the weight began to creep up. \u00a0Many of you women can guess what happened in 2001, I turned 40 and my metabolism came to a screeching halt. \u00a0In fact I think it left skid marks in the culdesac in front of my house. \u00a0I broke my ankle, had surgery in 2012 that was a big fail and the weight went up a little more. \u00a0I also started a demanding job that had me driving sometimes up to 200 miles a day with goals that had me working every evening and most weekends. \u00a0Drive thru windows were my bitches. \u00a010 pounds a year and the job ended the summer of 2017. \u00a0Then like a freight train that is baring down on you, I lost Hayley. \u00a0I went on many medications, one fun one, caused a 32 pound weight gain in 6 weeks. \u00a0That was painful.<\/p>\n
This very detailed history is important to understand how I ended up at 255 pounds in January of this year. \u00a0I met with a bariatric doctor. \u00a0It became quickly clear that I was a good candidate for bariatric intervention in the form of surgery. \u00a0In addition to the weight I have 3 of the 4 health issues that are primarily weight driven. \u00a0High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol, and Sleep Apnea. \u00a0Add in my heart issues and my family history of heart failure and obesity, winner! \u00a0My insurance would pay for the procedure 100%. \u00a0I brought my most level headed friend with me to the first meeting. \u00a0I knew she would tell me straight up what was a good idea and what wasn’t. \u00a0Both of us agreed that this was a reasonable treatment plan for my situation. \u00a0I am doing this for my health not my appearance. \u00a0If you see me at all you know I don’t care about that at all, I only care about missing Hayley. \u00a0But this decision is about being here for Henry. \u00a0Being healthy for Henry and myself.<\/p>\n
I have been working my way through the very difficult process to get to a surgery date. \u00a0I have met and been examined by 7 different physicians. \u00a0I have had to seek approval from 4 different mental health professionals. \u00a0I have spent hours with dietitians (who by the way are all super skinny and really annoyingly cheerful). \u00a0My grief has been an obstacle. \u00a0Both Scott and Henry are 100% supportive and have promised to support me and join me with our new lifestyle changes. \u00a0I know that this will be the 2nd hardest thing I will face in my life. \u00a0But I am confident and excited about it. \u00a0I plan to blog about my journey. \u00a0I won’t hold back and I won’t sugar coat it.<\/p>\n
Today was my pre-op training classes. \u00a0I met with the physicians assistant that will handle my care pre and post surgery. \u00a0He was awesome. \u00a0He knew my concerns before I even had a chance to voice them. \u00a0Then myself and 5 other patients spent two hours with a psychologist and a dietician going over every single requirement. \u00a0It was overwhelming but really helpful to not be alone. \u00a0The first 5 weeks will be the toughest. \u00a0I have tons of support from family and friends that will be there for me in this journey. \u00a0Tornado Bertha will be touching down on May 31st. \u00a0June will be painful and stressful but I know that if I am strong enough to put my grief on display to thousands of strangers to further a cause, I can make it through a liquid only diet with out hurting anyone.<\/p>\n
On Mother’s day I was lucky to go to the Pink concert with some wonderful women. \u00a0There were several Hayley triggers, the dancing was beautiful and she would have loved it. \u00a0But the new trigger was something that I will remember when the transition after surgery gets tough. \u00a0This gal came down our aisle and needed us to stand so she could get out. \u00a0I went to stand only to find myself coming to a halt midway up. \u00a0With a feeling of horror in my chest I realized that my ass and hips were stuck between the cupholders on the arms of my seat. \u00a0I could not stand. \u00a0I sat back down only to win me a wtf look from miss small bladder. \u00a0I had to turn sideways in my seat to haul my ass up. \u00a0Never had I had such an obvious fat girl moment. \u00a0Today in class we had to go around and introduce ourselves and share one thing that we are looking forward to after surgery. \u00a0One gal said only using my own seat on an airplane. \u00a0Another said jumping from an airplane. \u00a0(no thanks) \u00a0I said that I am looking forward to having no sleep apnea and not being tired all day. \u00a0But what I really wanted to say was “I am looking forward to not getting my fucking ass stuck in the seats at the Justin Timberlake concert next November”.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This past 8 weeks has felt like an emotional tornado. \u00a0I have had constant twists and turns with several touch downs. \u00a0It started with two of Hayley’s organ recipients reaching out the first week of the month; her heart and a kidney. \u00a0Both were exciting and happy contacts but so emotional. \u00a0Then it was on … <\/p>\n