I am hungry. \u00a0Not traditional stomach grumbling hungry, but mentally I feel like I need a donut. \u00a0Yes, that means I had my weight loss surgery a week ago. \u00a0I did not make the decision lightly. \u00a0I made a choice to do something to improve my many health issues so I can be a strong Mom for Henry. \u00a0But I would work for donuts. \u00a0I am so obsessed with the fact I can only have liquids right now. \u00a0It is making me anxious! \u00a0The surgery was tough. \u00a0I landed an extra night in the hospital due to issues with pain and low blood pressure. \u00a0I came home Saturday. \u00a0I am very uncomfortable. \u00a0I also got dehydrated. \u00a0I didn’t keep up with my liquids and ended up in worse condition than I started. \u00a0Fail. \u00a0But the doctor ordered this amazing thing for me. \u00a0It is called a banana bag. (not to be confused with a banana hammock) \u00a0I go to a infusion center where for 2 hours I get fluids and vitamins and for a short time after feel so much better. \u00a0What I am learning so far is that this process is 90% mental and 10% physical. \u00a0I understand why they were concerned about my mental and emotional strength. \u00a0It took 2 extra months of visiting with psychologists to get my final approval. \u00a0I now get it.<\/p>\n
Being physically weak this past week has made it really difficult to control my grief. \u00a0It creeps in between the cracks. \u00a0I miss her so desperately that I am paralyzed by the anxiety. \u00a0So many memories of graduation this month, her last major life milestone. \u00a0She would be finish her Sophomore year of college and should be coming home this week. \u00a0My brain can literally not wrap itself around the fact that she is not coming home. \u00a0Maybe it is not strength that has kept me standing but denial. \u00a0My anxiety is ratcheting up as we approach July. \u00a0July 4th our last family outing. \u00a0July 11th, her surgery. \u00a0July 18th, I watched her die. \u00a0July 20th, the date on her death certificate. \u00a0July 23rd, the day they took her from us and she saved the lives of several people. \u00a0Which date is the “anniversary”? \u00a0I can’t pick just one so it is going to be two weeks of hell. \u00a0Maybe the timing of this surgery was not the smartest but was my only option with insurance.<\/p>\n
Henry was talking to me the other day and I just paused and checked out. \u00a0How was it possible that she wasn’t here to hear his story. \u00a0How is he now an only child? \u00a0How is it possible that someone so important to my breathing was just gone. \u00a0Gone. \u00a0We were a family of four. \u00a0How can I say we are not. \u00a0It was two and two. \u00a0Even. \u00a0We are now off balance. \u00a0How do I make a table work with only three legs. \u00a0It is possible, you can make the table stay up. \u00a0You have to shift the legs to different positions. \u00a0It will stand but it won’t be as strong. \u00a0I feel like a wobbly table. \u00a0Like the annoying one at the restaurant that no matter how many folded napkins you put under the leg it still moves.<\/p>\n
Which makes me think of food. \u00a0My thoughts are just like this. \u00a0They bounce around from being hungry, to thinking of food, to pain, to sadness, to Hayley, to oh no it’s time for Scott to give me my blood thinner shot. \u00a0Yes, Scott has to inject me in the stomach every evening. \u00a0What is scary is I think he likes doing it.<\/p>\n
I am not sure that this is very informative, entertaining, or even organized. \u00a0But I needed to write again and see if it helps. \u00a0I also need to thank my friends Sara and Terri. \u00a0Terri spent the last 4 days of her life babysitting, driving me to doctor’s appointments and cooking for my family. \u00a0Sara took over the job today, watching Sixteen Candles with me and taking me to my infusion. \u00a0So here I am with my incisions and smaller stomach. \u00a0Will this help with my grief. \u00a0No. \u00a0But I feel that I am doing something for the future. \u00a0As of today I am down 25 pounds from my highest weight. \u00a0My goal is 105 pounds. \u00a0So nearly 25% there, that feels good. \u00a0I can only hope I sleep tonight and wake up feeling a little better. \u00a0I hope that my dreams are not about donuts (again) tonight. \u00a0Good Night.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am hungry. \u00a0Not traditional stomach grumbling hungry, but mentally I feel like I need a donut. \u00a0Yes, that means I had my weight loss surgery a week ago. \u00a0I did not make the decision lightly. \u00a0I made a choice to do something to improve my many health issues so I can be a strong … <\/p>\n