I didn’t know it was possible to hurt any more than I have been. \u00a0Again another thing I was wrong on. \u00a0My pain, my grief, my longing has deepened over time. \u00a0It is bone deep. \u00a0My mind says her name or talks to her begging her to come back to me. \u00a0It is on a constant loop. \u00a0I know when I am talking to someone that they only have half my attention because the other half is screaming for Hayley. \u00a0Grief is destroying me from the inside out. \u00a0It is all I think about. \u00a0It is my companion. \u00a0I walk with it. \u00a0It is always beside me like a dark shower.<\/p>\n
I have not been out of the house since the surgery except for infusions. \u00a0This week I was driving again and taking myself to the doctor appointments. \u00a0On Friday I went to Bartells for a prescription and the bank in Safeway. \u00a0It was surreal. \u00a0I feel like I am walking in a bubble of grief. \u00a0Can people see that there is something wrong with me? \u00a0It was an effort to put one foot in front of the other. \u00a0When waiting in line I had to lean against a display which almost ended in a disaster of bottles going everywhere. \u00a0So much for the bubble. \u00a0I felt like a robot walking through Safeway to the bank. \u00a0 Like I was watching myself go through the motions. \u00a0It is a surreal feeling that I am trying hard to find the words to make you understand.<\/p>\n
It is the response to my raw posts on Facebook that keep me going. \u00a0I know there are people thinking of me and grieving with me. \u00a0The week was particularly hard because now I know another mom in this club. \u00a0I met her on a plane ride back home from Phoenix in December. \u00a0We became friends on Facebook. \u00a0She was traveling with her daughter around Hayley’s age. \u00a0They were coming to spend \u00a0Christmas time with her oldest son, Jordan. \u00a0He was a recovering addict and doing well here in Renton. \u00a0We talked the entire flight. \u00a0She let me talk about Hayley seeing such a similarity with her relationship with her daughter. \u00a0I learned about Jordan’s battle and her constant worry. \u00a0In the past week Jordan had a relapse and is gone. \u00a0Like Hayley just gone. \u00a0I reached out to his mom and we have talked. \u00a0I am watching her go through those emotions and the pain of the first days. \u00a0Dealing with services and practicalities. \u00a0Her feeling are so familiar and raw that I find myself reliving the same time.<\/p>\n
I am constantly thinking and dreaming about that week. \u00a0What could have been done. \u00a0I have relived the moment I rounded that corner and saw her dying in front of me. \u00a0I wake screaming her name just as I did on that horrible night. \u00a0It is a nightmare at sleep and at wake. \u00a0I can’t stop these loops in my brain.<\/p>\n
Is this mental illness? \u00a0Will I know? \u00a0I cannot bear to live without her but I can’t leave my wonderful son. \u00a0It is a constant tug of war.<\/p>\n
Maybe I am bored. \u00a0Since the surgery and not eating for 2 weeks my energy has been zapped and I do little but sit on the couch with CNN on the tv, not really listening. \u00a0I cry over the mess of my house but have zero energy to do anything about it. \u00a0I have lost 30 pounds from my high point. \u00a0I can’t even get excited about it. \u00a0Clothes are more comfortable and that helps a little with my physical well being. \u00a0But now I start the work of introducing soft food to my stomach and constant nausea. \u00a0I have had a hundred moments of what the hell was I thinking. \u00a0Already my blood pressure has improved and I am off of one of my medications. \u00a0If I have made that much progress in 2 weeks what else can I accomplish.<\/p>\n
I was counting on this new challenge as a way to distract me from my grief. \u00a0But all it has done was make everything harder. \u00a0My grief is still beside me; now he is also hangry. \u00a0Unfinished house projects bother me, sometimes Scott’s voice bothers me. \u00a0I don’t recall a phase in the grief book of “everything annoys the shit out of you”. \u00a0I am going to have to write my own book and tell it like it really is.<\/p>\n
I am happy for everyone celebrating graduations, weddings, and accomplishments. \u00a0Friends of Hayleys. \u00a0But she is stuck back as a Sophomore in College. \u00a0It’s not fair, or right. \u00a0This beautiful, funny and kind child is just gone, ceased to exist. \u00a0I still cannot wrap my mind around it. \u00a0I lay on my bed and stare down the hall to her bedroom door wishing she was in there watching her tv shows and at any moment will burst out and come down the hall and say “feed me mommy”.<\/p>\n
Maybe I need a new hobby. \u00a0I have painted so many rocks it will take me weeks to hide them. \u00a0Don’t forget the fact I don’t want to walk anywhere. \u00a0I am crocheting a crappy blanket. \u00a0I am looking to start school June 25 to retrain to become a college counselor. \u00a0But I am nervous. \u00a0Do I have the attention span to try to learn new material? \u00a0Is there room in my brain with all of the grief.<\/p>\n
I know the same people are here for me, I know who you are, I just have to ask. \u00a0But I know I won’t ask, they have their lives to live. \u00a0I remember a huge number of people say “I won’t stop asking you to go to coffee or go for a walk I promise”. \u00a0Guess what?, they have stopped. \u00a0I wonder did I say “no” one too many time and they gave up on me. \u00a0At the same time I think good, I can live a lonely existence with my shadow, grief. \u00a0Together we will walk through what life is left for me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I didn’t know it was possible to hurt any more than I have been. \u00a0Again another thing I was wrong on. \u00a0My pain, my grief, my longing has deepened over time. \u00a0It is bone deep. \u00a0My mind says her name or talks to her begging her to come back to me. \u00a0It is on a … <\/p>\n