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<\/p>\nJuly is bearing down on me like a freight train. \u00a0It is the month our lives hanged forever. \u00a0This time last year I was spending all my time with Hayley. \u00a0We were shopping for her new room, painting (well Scott was doing that), the color, Kensington Gray and preparing for her surgery. \u00a0She was so full of life and so excite about it. \u00a0A new start, Hayley getting her groove back. \u00a0I wonder sometimes if the person that made her feel less because of her chest knows that she is responsible? \u00a0I lost my window of opportunity to write her a letter. \u00a0She moves this summer to another state. \u00a0I am happy because I won’t have to see her at Henry’s school, but I wish I had sent that letter.<\/p>\n
Someone asked us today about our 4th of July plans. \u00a0A waterfall of sadness washed over me. \u00a0Scott answered in a generic way. \u00a0I had to keep myself from ruining this gal’s day. \u00a0In my head, I said, well 4th of July was our last truly special day. \u00a0Henry had other plans. \u00a0Scott, Hayley and I spent a wonderful day at our friend’s house in Gig Harbor. \u00a0We went out on their boat. I can still remember Hayley looking back at me from the front of the boat, hair blowing, big smile on her face. \u00a0It was our last day to parent her together that was peaceful and celebratory. \u00a0I am dreading the 4th. \u00a0The partys will go on.in \u00a0 We will do what Scott said today. \u00a0We will stay home with our dogs. \u00a0Although none of our dogs could care less about fireworks. \u00a0I want to see her on that boat, happy and excited about the next week.<\/p>\n
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Once I survive the 4th, a week later we have the anniversary of her surgery and then the dates just roll in. \u00a0The date she crashed, the date she was declared, the date she donated her organs. \u00a02 weeks solid of nightmares.<\/p>\n
I went for my first walk in over a year this past week. \u00a0It was a good walk. \u00a03\/4 of a mile. \u00a0Pretty good for 4 weeks out from bariatric surgery. \u00a0Finn did pretty well. But, I felt really isolated. \u00a0Vulnerable. \u00a0I was out in the world, unprotected. \u00a0I think one of the reasons I have not been able to get my house in order and it is always a mess, is that then I won’t have people over. \u00a0I sit on my couch, on my spot. \u00a0I sit. \u00a0I cry. \u00a0I scream. \u00a0Then Scott gets home and we count the hours until it is reasonable to go to bed. \u00a0We have decided that this time is 8:00 p.m. \u00a0If we go earlier than we have a problem. \u00a0Normal people don’t go to bed before 8. \u00a0It is our unspoken time.<\/p>\n
I used to be so sad when it was 8:00. \u00a0Another day gone. \u00a0Sometimes I felt I had taken advantage of that day, but more often than not I felt maybe I had wasted it. \u00a0It was one less day with the kids. \u00a0Did I parent well? \u00a0Did they feel loved? \u00a0Did I accomplish anything? \u00a0I felt that time was going way too fast. \u00a0It felt like it was slipping away, one day closer to being empty nest, one day closer to being done. \u00a0Now the time crawls and I want it to go fast. \u00a0I no longer care what I accomplish. \u00a0If I got out of bed, which because of Finn I do before 8:00 a.m. every single day. \u00a0If I got dressed sort of. \u00a0Did I put clean pajamas on? Did I wear a bra? \u00a0Did I shower? \u00a0Those are things I use to judge a successful day. \u00a0But it goes by so slowly. \u00a0I feel so ungrateful that I want time to go by fast. In my mind I know that it means one day closer to Henry spreading his wings. \u00a0But I can’t get myself to care. \u00a0The pain is so deep and so raw, I just want that day done. \u00a0I want to take my medication and go to sleep, where I have 8 or more hours of relief.<\/p>\n
The Puppy was a good idea. \u00a0My friends were brilliant. \u00a0I would be sleeping most of the days and have long sad nights without this puppy. \u00a0That would be worse. \u00a0He is basically an 80 pound toddler. \u00a0He needs constant supervision or he wou So Happy 4th, the weather looks great. \u00a0Please have a slushy for me and fun for Hayley. \u00a0Enjoy your family time, every minute. \u00a0Be thankful. \u00a0Be alive.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" July is bearing down on me like a freight train. \u00a0It is the month our lives hanged forever. \u00a0This time last year I was spending all my time with Hayley. \u00a0We were shopping for her new room, painting (well Scott was doing that), the color, Kensington Gray and preparing for her surgery. \u00a0She was so … <\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/07\/36429463_10217659430906364_806524008408285184_n-300x300.jpg\")
ld destroy the house. \u00a0He also has to be with us or he will be sad. \u00a0When I cry he licks my face. \u00a0When Scott gets home he is so happy to see him. \u00a0He won’t stop until Scott lets him up on his lap for a Golden Retriever hug. \u00a0I still cannot believe Scott lets him lick all over his face. \u00a0That dog gets more love than any of us. \u00a0He plays with each of our other dogs. \u00a0They are all in better shape and healthier because of Finn the Monster dog. \u00a0But my favorite Finn accomplishment is that he makes Henry smile. \u00a0Not his half smile, but the one with the dimples. \u00a0The one that has disappeared over the last year.<\/span><\/p>\n