{"id":442,"date":"2018-08-15T20:23:05","date_gmt":"2018-08-15T20:23:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/?p=442"},"modified":"2018-08-15T20:23:05","modified_gmt":"2018-08-15T20:23:05","slug":"rocks","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/index.php\/2018\/08\/15\/rocks\/","title":{"rendered":"Rocks"},"content":{"rendered":"

They say that when you hit rock bottom there is only one way to go, up. \u00a0I call bullshit on that. \u00a0I have hit that rock bottom only to find that there is another much lower bottom. \u00a0That is where I am at, rock bottom. \u00a0I literally ache all day and all night for Hayley. \u00a0There is not a moment that goes by that she is not on my mind. \u00a0My brain seems to have the capacity to grieve while going about the business of living. \u00a0All at the same time. \u00a0I function at the most minimum level when I am at home. \u00a0I started a part time job at the local YMCA. \u00a0The idea is to slowly introduce myself back into the real world. \u00a0I need to be back into the full time workforce as soon as possible for financial reasons. \u00a0I have worked two weeks and had two meltdowns. \u00a0The first when they were setting up my employee membership and she asked if I wanted to leave Hayley and Henry on the membership. \u00a0Ouch. \u00a0I started to cry much to my embarrassment. \u00a0At this exact moment, Hayley’s best friend, that works the front desk came into the room and wanted to know what was wrong. \u00a0Our pain was palpable.<\/p>\n

The second trigger happened Monday night and has sent me down another notch of the rock bottom ladder. \u00a0I had to get CPR and First Aid certified. \u00a0I happily signed up, because come on, CPR is my jam. \u00a0I survived cardiac arrest and spent five years teaching it to hundreds of kids in my previous job. \u00a0As we practiced compressions all I was thinking about was the kids I taught and wonder if any of them have saved a life yet. \u00a0 Then it happened. \u00a0She brought out breathing respirators. \u00a0The big balloon like contraption that you squeeze to breath for someone. \u00a0I started to sweat and shake. \u00a0The tears were on the edge. \u00a0 The image of Hayley being bagged as she was taken away from all of us to head to surgery. \u00a0Surgery to save others. \u00a0But the last time I saw her beautiful face it had one of these respirators on it. \u00a0Then I saw that night when I rounded the corner and found the nurse doing chest compressions on my daughter. \u00a0I was on my knees already in the class or it would have knocked me to them. \u00a0There were people doing compressions and using the respirators around me and the room began to spin. \u00a0I went to the instructor. \u00a0Thankfully she was the one that had been involved in the removing of Hayley from the membership. \u00a0I choked out, It’s Hayley, this was the last image, I need to leave. \u00a0I was told I had to be evaluated on all steps or I would have to take the class again. \u00a0OH MY GAWD, are you kidding? \u00a0I got out of the room clumsily before I became an unconscious real life victim for them to practice first aid on. \u00a0I sat outside the room trying to get my shit together. \u00a0PTSD is not like sadness or depression or normal anxiety. \u00a0PTSD takes over your mind and like a movie in your mind, replays the images over and over. \u00a0I can relate to soldiers with PTSD. \u00a0Everyone’s movie reel is different but the physical response is real.<\/p>\n

I know I should have left. \u00a0My manager would have understood. \u00a0But all I could think was “Be Strong”. \u00a0So I went back in. \u00a0I had to participate in rescue breathing, chest compressions and other life saving techniques. \u00a0I kept my eyes on the floor. \u00a0Every compression I saw Hayley. \u00a0Touching the respirator was actually painful, my hands were shaking. \u00a0But I did it. \u00a0I am certified. \u00a0I went home and could not take a xanax fast enough. \u00a0The next day I felt like I had the flu. \u00a0I spent the entire day in my pajamas just trying to shut down the movie reel. \u00a0My entire body hurts. \u00a0I didn’t go to work. \u00a0The bottom is lower.<\/p>\n

This makes me question how can I function in the real world? \u00a0When I worked Aquatics on Saturday I watched the parents with their children and remembered Hayley’s swim lessons. \u00a0Henry too. \u00a0Will I ever not see my memories everywhere I go? \u00a0Do we need to move? \u00a0How could I even leave the home she loved so much? \u00a0What would we do? \u00a0This is an example where one thought leads to another.<\/p>\n

So I have been so low lately, rock bottom. \u00a0Ironically it has been Rocks that have given me moments of pride and happiness. \u00a0I still paint rocks. \u00a0Recently I asked for help hiding them. \u00a0On the back I put a sticker that has the be like Hayley website on it. \u00a0This leads people to her story and directs them to post in the Sammamish Rocks Facebook page. \u00a0It has also led some to this page and to email me. \u00a0I have received several messages about what my rocks have meant to the finder. \u00a0Here are two of those messages:<\/p>\n

Dawn,<\/em>
\nMy 3 year old daughter LOVES rocks. Anytime we go anywhere we always manage to come home with no fewer than 5 hideous, dirt covered rocks. Last week, we were on a hike and she found a rock that had a heart painted on it. She immediately started calling it her \u2018treasure\u2019 rock. With the new paint a rock and hide it trend, I know people put things on the back to encourage pictures and the use of hashtags to see where the rocks end up. On the back of this one was \u2018belikehayley.com\u2019 Something about this rock, with its smiling heart told me I already knew some part of the story.<\/em>
\nYou see, hearts have a extra special place in our family. Of course each of us has a healthy beating heart, but for my husband, it is all thanks to families like yours and heros like your daughter. My husband is a two time heart transplant recepiant. This past June marked his 25th anniversary with someone else\u2019s heart and his 2nd anniversary with his newest.<\/em>
\nI don\u2019t know your pain and suffering, but i want you to know that because of donors like your daughter, my own daughter will grow up with a father. One who loves her, with every beat of his heart(s).<\/em>
\nThank you for sharing your story as hard as it is. Know that those of us on the other side will never know how to say thank you enough.<\/em>
\nWith endless gratitude<\/em>
\nRebecca<\/em><\/p>\n

Hi Dawn,<\/em>
\nLast night, my family went to my parent\u2019s house in Sammamish for dinner. My 75 year old dad had picked up a rock with a unicorn painted on it at Beaver Lake Park. He brought it home because he thought my 9 and 7 year old daughters (Lucy and Lily) would like it. <\/em>
\nLucy noticed the website on the bottom, so I looked it up. We then had a great dinner conversation with my parents, my aunt and uncle, and my 3 kids (there\u2019s also Zach, who is 5) about organ donation, bone marrow donation, blood donation and how we can all help each other. <\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019m so very sorry for your loss. I can\u2019t imagine what you have gone through and I think that it\u2019s amazing that you have used your grief and her memory in such a wonderful way. <\/em><\/p>\n

The rock is now part of Lucy\u2019s unicorn \u201ccollection\u201d \ud83d\ude42<\/em><\/p>\n

Take care,<\/em>
\nKate<\/em><\/p>\n

Amazing what a Rock can do. \u00a0It makes me want to continue painting. \u00a0My rocks have been hidden by friends in Laguna Beach, in Hawaii and of course around Hayley’s beloved city of Sammamish. \u00a0My “job” is to keep telling her story. \u00a0That is all I can do for her. \u00a0Make sure she is not forgotten. \u00a0\"\"<\/p>\n

Just when I was at my lowest recently I was given something to look forward to. \u00a0A dear friend from High School is taking me with her on a business trip to Florence, Italy! \u00a0I have not left our continent in my whole life. \u00a0I am going to Italy \u00a0in September. \u00a0Something Hayley had talked about doing with school. \u00a0I will do it for her. \u00a0When my friend has to go home I am staying on and going to Rome on my own. \u00a0This has given me something to focus on and to be honest obsess about. \u00a0I already have all my travel size toiletries. \u00a0I have books I am reading about Italy. \u00a0My suitcase is going to include some rocks and cause bracelets. \u00a0Maybe this will be a start to the #belikehayley movement going international.<\/p>\n

Thank you to everyone that messages me and lets me know that they are thinking about me. \u00a0I read them all, I may not respond because I don’t know what to say. \u00a0I say it here. \u00a0Thank you. \u00a0I guess there has to be a bottom eventually.<\/p>\n

Dawn<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

They say that when you hit rock bottom there is only one way to go, up. \u00a0I call bullshit on that. \u00a0I have hit that rock bottom only to find that there is another much lower bottom. \u00a0That is where I am at, rock bottom. \u00a0I literally ache all day and all night for Hayley. … <\/p>\n

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