Saturday night I went to a concert with my Mom. \u00a0We saw Cyndi Lauper and Rod Stewart at the White River Amphitheater. \u00a0Now this is the 8th time I have been to a Rod Stewart show, it is kind of our thing, my Mom and I. \u00a0Years ago I said the 7th was the last time. \u00a0That was the time Terri helped me get to the front of the stage and toss my bra to Sir Rod and have it hang on the guitar while they played Maggie May. \u00a0Can’t top that can you? \u00a0But this was a nice chance to spend time with Mom before I go to Italy and she heads back to Florida. \u00a0We probably should have stopped at 7 cause let’s just say Rod still looked good but his voice and his moves are very tired. \u00a0The crowd was so old! \u00a0It was like I watched a group of people over the past 20 years age as a group. \u00a0We did end up leaving early to avoid traffic so who are we to criticize. \u00a0But Cyndi was totally worth the trip. \u00a0But like many things I had moments of immense sadness. \u00a0We totally would have made Hayley come with us. \u00a0When they played the anthem of the women’s movement, “Girls just want to have fun” they changed the words to “fundamental rights”. \u00a0I was proud of my liberal feminist daughter. \u00a0She was going to enter a male dominated field and she would have rocked it. \u00a0She was growing into such an amazing woman. \u00a0Our #belikehayley slogan, Be Kind, Be Funny and Be Real, those were the three words that I thought of first to describe her. \u00a0When she sang “True Colors” it reminded me of some of my thoughts this past few weeks.<\/p>\n
I have read that when you lose someone you love your world dims. \u00a0Colors don’t seem as bright. \u00a0Kind of like a depression medication commercial. \u00a0It starts out black and white and sad and then you take the pill and it is rainbows and flowers and birds. \u00a0Well it’s not exactly like that for me. \u00a0Colors are actually more vivid then before. \u00a0Everything is. \u00a0I think it is because my emotions are always at the surface. \u00a0Everything is heightened. \u00a0The trees look greener, sunsets are more orange and the sun is brighter. \u00a0But it is too much. \u00a0It is like I am over stimulated all the time. \u00a0I am sensitive to everything because it only takes a small scratch for those emotions to rise to the surface. \u00a0When I see the mountain I remember always telling Hayley look at that isn’t it beautiful. \u00a0I drove her nuts making her look at all the beauty around the PNW. \u00a0I must have used the word amazing too many times because if I pointed something out she would give me a sarcastic “it’s amazing mom”. \u00a0Some of you read that in her voice didn’t you and maybe with an eye roll. \u00a0But as she got older she would point things out to me. \u00a0I wanted my children to go through life wide awake, noticing everything. \u00a0I felt it would make them better humans and allow them to be more aware of others too. \u00a0Now these things are so bright it is as if the world around me is going on without me or maybe even mocking me.<\/p>\n
I wonder why the colors are brighter. \u00a0My light is dimmer. \u00a0Is it the contrast to what is inside of me? \u00a0This summer has been brutal. \u00a0I believe that maybe my brain has helped me cope by thinking she was at school but once summer came that didn’t work any more. \u00a0That small scratch has become a festering wound. \u00a0I feel like everything reminds me that I am missing half my soul. \u00a0I teeter on the edge of completely losing my shit at any moment. \u00a0By holding it back and choking it down I worry that there will come a time where I can’t do that anymore and that scares me. \u00a0I don’t know if I would survive letting the control go. \u00a0I feel that the outside would end up as shredded as the inside is.<\/p>\n
Besides colors I have also noticed in the past year that things just don’t bother me like they used to. \u00a0We had to wait in line for 45 minutes to get into the concert. \u00a0People were bitching about it all around me. \u00a0People were accusing others (us) of cutting in line. \u00a0Doesn’t even phase me. \u00a0It makes me sad for them. \u00a0It makes me sad I ever wasted any time letting something like that bother me or cause me stress. \u00a0I can’t make the line go away. \u00a0We will all be in the venue before the concert starts. \u00a0Being grumpy or in a hurry won’t change that at all. \u00a0So let it go. \u00a0Some may be thinking the meds have numbed me, but I truly believe that the little things don’t matter. \u00a0I now know what the worst thing in the world feels like and standing in line to see two aging rock stars is not one of those things. \u00a0I see frazzled mothers wave off their children. \u00a0I want to scream at them. \u00a0Don’t ignore your child, get off your phone. \u00a0You can never get that moment back. \u00a0You may never lose your child but they will become adults and those moments will be gone. \u00a0I see parents getting mad at their children. \u00a0I feel like the Yoda of parenting. \u00a0I want to tell them pick your battles. \u00a0Appreciate your kids. \u00a0Getting mad you don’t. (yoda voice)<\/p>\n
Last week a man followed Henry home for 20 minutes because he thought Henry cut him off. \u00a0He was seriously on our porch wanting to talk to us about Henry’s driving. \u00a0It was kind of surreal. \u00a0I shuffled like Yoda to the door with the plan to give him a life lesson. \u00a0I let the dogs go first, it looked like an dog park gone bad. \u00a0I let him start to speak and I had it all worked out what I was going to say to him. \u00a0Like did he seriously just waste potentially 40 minutes out of his way to tell us he got cut off. \u00a0Does he not know we lost our daughter, Henry cutting him off won’t phase us at all. \u00a0But before I could start my lecture Scott and Finn came flying out of the house. \u00a0Scott was as angry as I have ever seen him. \u00a0On the ring doorbell video you see me backing up like “oh shit this guy is screwed”. \u00a0A few brief sentences from Scott with some colorful language and the guy was practically sprinting down our driveway with Finn chasing him thinking this was a fun game. \u00a0It even got better. \u00a0This guy called the police. \u00a0An officer came to our door. \u00a0The officer and my boys had a great laugh. \u00a0The officer said we did exactly what we should of and complimented Henry. \u00a0Evidently this guy wanted to report that Scott had scared him but he did tell the officer how polite Henry had been. \u00a0You can’t even make this shit up. \u00a0After the adrenaline wore off Scott looked at me and said “can’t we just have one month where nothing bad happens to us”. \u00a0He sounded so defeated. \u00a0I quickly had to put a bandaid on that scratch before I dissolved in tears.<\/p>\n
So basically I am feeling like a wise old person that sees colors. \u00a0Maybe that is my superpower. \u00a0Maybe it is like being bitten by a radioactive spider. \u00a0My grief is radioactive matter running through my veins. \u00a0I feel more, I see more. \u00a0It is like I have the ability to see the whole picture like when google earth zooms out. \u00a0You no longer see the small things but just colors. \u00a0Maybe this is what losing your mind feels like. \u00a0That pain right at the surface.<\/p>\n
I go to Italy Friday. \u00a0This trip is so out of my comfort zone. \u00a0I know I would disappoint Hayley if I was not going. \u00a0Be brave. \u00a0I wonder what will it feel like to be somewhere she has never walked, never breathed the air. \u00a0Will it be a relief? \u00a0Will it be more sad because she will never have the same experience? \u00a0Am I overthinking this? \u00a0Hell yes. \u00a0I am far from a seasoned traveler and probably won’t be very good at it. \u00a0I plan to write about the trip as I go. \u00a0I may not post it until I after I get back. \u00a0I hope I have fun. \u00a0My fun cells have been gone. \u00a0I do things that should be fun but I don’t have fun. \u00a0I go through the motions. \u00a0Maybe this trip will restore some of those cells. \u00a0Maybe I will come back with new superpowers.<\/p>\n
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Saturday night I went to a concert with my Mom. \u00a0We saw Cyndi Lauper and Rod Stewart at the White River Amphitheater. \u00a0Now this is the 8th time I have been to a Rod Stewart show, it is kind of our thing, my Mom and I. \u00a0Years ago I said the 7th was the last … <\/p>\n