It has been two months since I posted. \u00a0Time when you are grieving goes at a different pace. \u00a0Some days it feels like it is going at high speed. \u00a0Other days it drags on and you count the hours until you can go to sleep. \u00a0Italy was a real treat. \u00a0I was able to spend quality time with a good friend. \u00a0I proved that I was brave enough to travel alone. \u00a0I did have too much time to myself. \u00a0This is when the thoughts would be about how much I wished Hayley was experiencing this trip with me. \u00a0My favorite highlights were the museums in Florence and the boat trip around the island of Capri. \u00a0But all good things come to an end and I came home to reality. \u00a0Reality has kicked my ass. \u00a0My grief is as deep and as raw as it was on day one. \u00a0Time has only made my pain sharper. \u00a0I have not held my child in over a year. \u00a0This is what I cannot comprehend. \u00a0I also have been shy to write because I feel every post is starting to look the same. \u00a0Dawn is sad, Dawn struggles and Dawn writes about it.<\/p>\n
Time marches on. \u00a0Hayley’s friends continue with their lives. \u00a0They are older. \u00a0Some have boyfriends, some have changed majors, some have changed colleges. \u00a0All of these life moments she is missing. \u00a0The outpouring of support has slowed. \u00a0I am not complaining, people have their own lives to live. \u00a0I am still luckier than most. \u00a0I still will get a message, flowers on my porch or just a text telling me I am thought of. \u00a0I have done everything I can to not let my grief impact Henry. \u00a0He is doing fairly well. \u00a0If he is not I am afraid I won’t know. \u00a0Scott is doing better than me. \u00a0I sometimes am jealous of him. \u00a0He has the ability, the skill to compartmentalize his grief. \u00a0I don’t have that skill. \u00a0Hayley adored her Dad and they were closer than any other father\/daughters I know. \u00a0But she was my best friend. \u00a0She loved me more than I can ever understand. \u00a0I feel so lucky to have had the relationship we had. \u00a0But it makes living more difficult. \u00a0It seems that my grief is becoming deeper as each day passes.<\/p>\n
It is time for me to go back to work full time. \u00a0I am hopeful to find something I can be passionate about. \u00a0Something that will distract me from this pain. \u00a0I need to help support my family, I need to be useful. \u00a0There is so much that I need to do. \u00a0I need to have the bathroom remodel done. \u00a0There are a couple of small items to finish but our guy is not available until December. \u00a0The remodel was a great distraction, I wish I could move on to Henry’s bathroom. \u00a0I need to deal with my office\/bonus room. \u00a0In the weeks leading up to Hayley’s death we had moved all of her stuff out of her bedroom. \u00a0We painted and purchased new furniture. \u00a0The plan was to slowly move things back in while she recovered. \u00a0 In addition to all of those items in that room, she also had dumped all of her dorm stuff. \u00a0We had started to pack up things she didn’t needed for the summer that would go to her new apartment. \u00a0So I have those boxes to deal with. \u00a0I have the messes to deal with in my room. \u00a0I have her laundry still sitting in the hamper. \u00a0I still find her socks all over, it is like they multiply like bunnies. \u00a0Every time I try to attack that disaster I pick up something that triggers a memory and a flood of emotions that send me to find a place to curl up and try to keep breathing. \u00a0The last attempt I unearthed a mug she had painted at school at a paint party. \u00a0A purple mug with a penis painted on it. \u00a0Yep the girl thought drawing dicks was hysterical. \u00a0I still find them in my notebooks on random pages or my calendar. \u00a0It actually makes me sad to think I may not find any more dicks drawn for me. \u00a0Her room smells less like her. \u00a0I struggle to imagine how her hair felt in my hands. \u00a0Will I forget as time passes. \u00a0My brain is damaged from ptsd and grief. \u00a0Am I losing memories. \u00a0I have lost so much I can’t handle more loss.<\/p>\n
The holidays are coming round again. \u00a0We have no Thanksgiving plans. \u00a0It will just be the three of us this year. \u00a0A sad holiday. \u00a0I can’t be thankful. \u00a0I am feeling like decorating this year with my decorations. \u00a0I am scared about how I am going to feel when I open those boxes and memories of each ornament hit. \u00a0Will I be able to do it. \u00a0Time does not heal. \u00a0Time is the enemy. \u00a0The more time that goes by the harder the memories are to recall yet at the same time it feels like it happened yesterday. \u00a0Grief warps time. \u00a0Grief settles on my chest and makes it hard to breathe.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It has been two months since I posted. \u00a0Time when you are grieving goes at a different pace. \u00a0Some days it feels like it is going at high speed. \u00a0Other days it drags on and you count the hours until you can go to sleep. \u00a0Italy was a real treat. \u00a0I was able to spend … <\/p>\n