But by sharing with you experiences, my internal reaction and my feelings I hope that we all learn something, anything about supporting others or surviving our own downs in life. \u00a0I am not trying to write a self help book. \u00a0I am writing what is in my head and if you read it and connect to something I said, that makes me happy. \u00a0That makes me feel I have a purpose at a time when I am totally lost. \u00a0I have put others first my entire life. \u00a0I take ownership of what I write. \u00a0If I write about an experience and you think it might be you I am talking about. \u00a0You are wrong. \u00a0If it was you, you will know. \u00a0If you don’t like what I write or it makes you uncomfortable don’t read it.<\/p>\n
Right now I am a confused about what I should or shouldn’t write, just in the way someone might not know what to say or not say to me. \u00a0 So should I not write? \u00a0I don’t know, I am thinking out loud. \u00a0I have received so much positive feedback about doing this. \u00a0It is not all warm and fuzzy. \u00a0Almost every message indicates I caused them to cry, revisit an old wound or think about uncomfortable feelings. \u00a0But they all felt it was worth it and said thank you.<\/p>\n
I am not writing for attention. \u00a0I am not writing for pity. \u00a0I am not writing to make anyone feel bad. \u00a0I like to write. \u00a0I always have. \u00a0But for me writing but keeping it private does not feel like I am being honest with myself. \u00a0I feel like by making this public I hold myself accountable to be real, be honest<\/strong> and be me.<\/strong><\/p>\n If some of it makes you cry, laugh, or think that is just a really nice bonus. \u00a0Hayley would like that. \u00a0She was kind-hearted, but at the same time she would never back down from a fight and had almost an unhealthy vision of what was wrong or right. \u00a0I heard many of her friends suggest the song “Bad Bitch” for her hospital play list. \u00a0She was still young enough to believe it is either wrong or right; black or white. \u00a0She was only just beginning to understand what gray meant. \u00a0I am 46 years old and still struggle with that concept. \u00a0It was exciting to see her grow and watch her learn. \u00a0I was trying desperately to learn along with her and see things through her eyes. \u00a0I feel like I filter what I see, hear, and feel. \u00a0I feel like I put it through…..ok struggling with the right analogy here.<\/p>\n The one I am thinking of may not transfer to words correctly. \u00a0But I feel like my mind and my ego are a big pin ball machine. \u00a0The silver ball is the situation, what I see and hear, what I am observing, what is being done to me or actions I am about to take. \u00a0That ball gets released into the pin ball machine. \u00a0The obstacles, the rebounds, the slots, the lights and noises that the ball hits on its way through are my past experiences, my judgments, past hurts, past joys, how I was raised, what I had for breakfast, what is the temperature that day, am I hungry, that day in the 3rd grade I peed my pants on the playground, the day my grandma died, my dad’s body in the casket, the dog pissed on the carpet this morning, did Trump tweet this morning, grudges I hold, traits I admire. All of these things change the score, they change that ball so when it comes out at the end (I suck at pin ball so for me this analogy works because the steel ball is going right down the center of those two stupid paddles. ) \u00a0When it comes out at the end, ok lost my train of thought here, where the hell was I going with this? \u00a0Oh yeah, I am trying to learn to react or view situations with less pings. \u00a0And most of all I am trying to think before I react. \u00a0Actually hit the ball with the paddle and let it go back through before I open my mouth or react.<\/p>\n Ok, just reread that, not sure I am going to hit publish. \u00a0You may think I have taken too much of something. \u00a0But seriously this is a glimpse into my head, scary isn’t it. \u00a0It is also exhausting. \u00a0I bet you admire my husband right now.<\/p>\n So I think, what I am trying to get at, is that I may see dealing with a grieving person differently than I did a couple of weeks ago when I wrote rules and guidelines. \u00a0That was helpful for me because I was able to articulate what was going to work for me and get it out there. \u00a0But now I see things a little less right or wrong. \u00a0I think I am saying go ahead and pull back that plunger and give the ball a whack.<\/p>\n p.s. If you got anything out of that writing, or the pinball machine analogy actually made sense to you, then you may need medication or you are probably related to me. \u00a0 Just saying.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It has been 42 days since we walked into our home without our daughter. I still find myself at unpredictable moments realizing that Hayley is in fact gone. \u00a0Like it is a surprise. \u00a0It is not denial, it is truly feeling as if I just acknowledged this horrifying fact at that very moment. \u00a0I don’t … <\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/hayleysmom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/wwpb-300x169.jpg\")
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