Giving thanks when you are not thankful

The feedback that I have received on this blog/journal has been humbling, exciting, satisfying and embarrassing.  I started this as a way to express myself and not hide my grief from myself or my friends.  I was receiving text, calls and messages wanting to know what I needed and how it was going.  I figured I would save time and put some of that information in my writing.

Thanksgiving week I needed more, I needed someone in my house with me for the Thanksgiving week.  I am very alone in my own home, yet I don’t easily accept any invitations for company or to leave the house.  It is an epic example of you can’t win.  People ask, I say ‘no’ or I cancel at the last minute when the thought of dressing and showering is just too much to handle.  Some days I can’t tell you what day of the week it is or when I showered last.  I barely move.  I finally charged my fit bit and I barely hit 2,000 steps.  This is one of the many faces of grief.  That face never has make up on.

Many encouraged the puppy as a therapy dog for me.  I can’t sleep in, or go back to bed with a canine baby set on destroying our home and tormenting my older dogs.  I have never been a morning person but guess who is up between 5:30 to 6:00 every fucking morning.  Yep, that adorable puppy.  All of us are so in love with this little bundle of fluff.  He has me moving a little more each day.  He knows when we need a hug and when we need to play.  He loves anyone he meets.  I watch him interact with others and my family.  I think to myself we all should be like Finn.  Everything makes him happy.  Zoey growls at him or Charlie hides upstairs because he doesn’t want to play with Finn, but he does a doggy shrug and moves on.  I wish I could do that.  I wish I could fall asleep as fast as he does.  (except at night in the crate)  I wish I was entertained by chasing leaves blown by the wind.  I am trying to be like Finn.  He even has an instagram.  this has been a great distraction.  @belikefinnthegolden  @belikehayley

I had been dreading Thanksgiving week.  I didn’t know what or who I needed to make it tolerable.   I had instilled my love of holidays and traditions in Hayley.  In fact she was the keeper and the hall monitor of traditions.  If we ever tried to stray from one without her permission the turkey shit would hit the fan.  I knew we would do Salty’s at Alki for the amazing holiday buffet.  It got a little confusing who would go with us, because I knew it could not be the three of us.  Can you imagine?  Me, a 15 year old boy and an introvert husband.  There is not enough Xanax.  I didn’t know who I needed.  Some on that short list were not available.  I was chatting on line about life and Satly’s and how amazing it was with my cousin.  That is when she said (about two weeks prior) how about Maddie and me come up next Saturday and leave late on Thanksgiving?  The airfare is cheap.  Really?  Sandy is not the most spontaneous person.  This would be the second time this year she has come to spend time with me after years of me going to see her in Las Vegas.  It made sense, that was where our grandma was.  That is not counting the two trips she made for Hayley.   I got a bonus with her daughter wanting to come too.  I immediately felt more calm, more ready to handle the week.  It made me feel very loved.  It was so nice to have a teen girl in the house again, heck it was exciting to have the girls outnumber the boys.  We brunched, got mani and pedis, visited a poinsettia nursery, ate lots of Maddie’s new favorite Top Pot Donuts, spent hours painting rocks and talking and relaxed with the puppy.  When I needed a rest they loved watching Finn for me.

 

I had spoken the week before with a representative at Salty’s about our situation.  We had tried to add more to our reservation to include Sara’s family but that was not happening.  I wanted to see if they could put us somewhere out of the high traffic areas.  I was worried how I would react to the crowd.  People are dangerous at buffets.  The man on the phone was amazing.  He thanked me for telling him about our tradition and our family’s sorrow.  He seemed sincere in his happiness we were still going.  We had an extra seat at the table.  Instead of having her seat empty we filled it with one of her favorite people.  So there we were, an eclectic group of “family” waiting.  Three McCutcheons, two Cousins and a homeroom teacher!  When I checked us in I was feeling overwhelmed by the people and the surreal feeling that Hayley was not standing next to me planning her buffet strategy.  The hostess said “Welcome, we have been waiting for you”.  Uh, okay.  I sat with my group and the hostess came to ask if we minded waiting 20 minutes for a view table so that our out of town relatives could enjoy the city and water view.  Of course we didn’t we were all together chatting, even Henry, so we could wait.  Again she returned and asked if I could come with her to look at our options.  She said they had two VIP tables that would be available shortly.  She held my hand as we worked our way towards the water view.  I chose a wonderful table.  I did feel like a Very Important Person.  I was, I am Hayley’s Mom.  Everyone ate until they couldn’t eat another bite.  We visited the Macy’s Parade Nutcrackers like we do every year.  We walked as far as we could along the water without puking.  Just like all the other years.  Just like our old tradition but also new traditions.  The 10 dollar ceramic turkey from Fred Meyers was on the table.  I slipped a few apple dumplings in a baggie in my purse just like Hayley would have.  (probably not continuing that one)

When it was time for Sandy and Maddie to leave that night again the curtain of grief descended.  I had 5 days of a reprieve.  It was not without grief.  Maddie missed her cousin.  I felt like I mothered a little for a teen girl.  I missed it.  When it was time for them to leave I weeped in Sandy’s arms.  I just wanted her to never leave.  We compliment each other, we get each other.

So was I thankful on Thanksgiving?  The week leading up to it I saw people posting “thankful” or “blessed” posts on social media.  I actually did the finger gag sign even though I was always alone.  I thought “Gag me, shove your thankful shit up your asses”.  Nice huh?  I was not thankful or blessed.  How could I be?  My daughter is dead.  Nothing compares.  Nothing makes me feel blessed.  I know others feel like this without a death in their family.  Maybe they had a bad year, maybe they are going through a divorce or lost their job.  So how do we feel thankful on the holiday that is all about that feeling.  I started with the obvious and was very blunt in my self conversation.  I didn’t want to think about being thankful at all with Hayley gone.  It felt like an insult to her and her memory.  I started with a list.

The thought bubble over my head read “fine let’s fucking try this, I know it will be dumb”.  I am thankful for…

• I am thankful that my son is not dead.  Sorry blunt.  True.  Hayley was my sunshine and Henry is my moon.  Both provide light in different ways.
• I am thankful for Scott and his strength when I needed it.
• I am thankful Scott and I are still married after 27 years together (shit, that is a long time)
• I am thankful Sandy and Maddie were here.
• I am thankful for my three older mutts and their ability to know when I need them and that they are literally are my shadows.
• I am thankful for the damn puppy.
• I am thankful for a community that wrapped their arms around us in so many ways.
• I am thankful for the people that continue to send messages, leave treats (not asking), and show me they care.
• I am thankful people still wear Hayley’s cause bracelets.
• I am thankful that a media professional I trust and respect is going to tell Hayley’s story.  Be Like Hayley.  Be Kind.  Be Real.  Be an Organ Donor.
• I am thankful her friends have not forgotten about me.

At this point, the thought bubble softens a bit, “OMG this list is pretty long so far”.  Let’s keep going.

• I am thankful for our home
• I am thankful for the go fund me page and people’s generosity have helped us while I have limited income.  I am glad I was not asked for permission before it was set up as I would have let my pride say no and it has been a blessing.
• I am thankful for the time strangers took to send me messages and tell me stories about Hayley.  Stories I had no idea existed.  These words helped me really get to know my daughter better.
• I am thankful for my crew, my tribe, my B.U.M.s (Back Up Moms)
• I am thankful for Henry’s friends.  These boys circled the wagons and showed maturity and care that is not normal for their ages.
• I am thankful for the moms that have raised such nice boys, see previous.
• I am thankful for all of the messages about how this journal has touched and impacted others.  Did not expect that.
• I am thankful for my brother and sister in law, without them I would not have survived that week with any amount of grace.
• I am thankful for my Mom, because as far away as she is, I know she will always answer my call no matter what; probably dives for it if necessary. She is very limber for her age.
• I am thankful for everyone that came to her service.  I am thankful they stood in the heat and 10 people deep.  Some standing outside in the heat trying to hear through the windows.  Over 500 people when we expected 150.

As I type the worries and the scary reality of my current situation tried to creep into my head.  Instead of going down that rabbit hole I typed another ‘thankful for’ item.  Yes, I am scared about money.  I am worried about finding a job.  I am worried about my health both physical and mentally.  I am worried about long term effects on Henry.  I am worried I will never ever feel truly happy.  I worry people will forget her.  Trust me this list is just as long.

But you see the point here is I don’t want to hear people bitch about their lives right now.  If I can find even one thing to be thankful for let alone over 20, then you can find one too.  Do not take your children for granted.  They are all assholes.  Hayley was a pro at that.  Oh, yours isn’t yet, wait for the teen years, wait for the soiling the next before college.  But when they are, flip them off behind their backs and just be happy they are alive.  The holidays should not be about the gifts, if you have children, it is about them.  Create memories because you will be thankful for them when they have flown the nest.  Make plans.  Hayley and I had the next ten years planned out.  She was planning to graduate in 2020 with a degree in Criminal Justice, minors in communications and psychology.  She would have made an amazing FBI agent or police officer.  She would say “Mom, when I graduate I will move back home since Henry will be heading to college so that you never have to have an empty nest”.  You know what; there was nothing I would love more than have my children live with me as long as they want.  Scott agreed.  They would not be entitled free loaders, but they would be loved and respected twenty somethings.  Hayley will forever be 19.  We had plans for her 21st Birthday that involved Peach Vodka.  Next summer we were going to rent an RV or small trailer and start working towards our life goal of visiting every National Park.  Just the two of us.  Scott and Henry were not interested.  She promised never to marry someone that didn’t like her mom.  I would babysit her children.  We talked about it all.  We had plans for this December.  Disneyland for my birthday.  She wanted more time with her Uncle and Aunt and I quote “mom why don’t we do more stuff with them, they are cool, who knew”.  She had her budget made for the next school year.  She had planned to work at Alaska Air at the Bellingham airport and the Sammamish Cafe when home.

How do I feel thankful when I will miss these experiences with her?  I read the list.  Despite our plans not to we did go around the table before racing to the buffet to say what we were thankful for.  We all said we were thankful for each other and this moment.  Henry said he was thankful for “Charlie”; just like he does every year.  Maybe I have another tradition lover in the family.