Many of you may have noticed or not, that I have not updated my grief blog for a long time. It is not because I am not challenged to breathe every single day. It is not because I don’t want to share my journey. The feedback that the blog helps others understand how to support their friends dealing with grief has given me a purpose. I am still writing, just not posting. I will. But this past year has been too sad for everyone. Life has not been “normal” for anyone. People are dying every day and families struggle to feed their kids for the first time in their lives. I feel strongly that my grief, trauma, and sadness is just not appropriate or helpful to share right now. We all have enough to be sad about.Grief has manifested for so many of us to define more than just the death of a loved one. Remember that. We are grieving our loss of “normal”. We are grieving friendships lost due to a difference in politics. We are grieving the loss of trust in our leaders, both sides. We are grieving the loss of traditions. Grief of missing our family members that we can’t see right now. Grieving the challenges of raising children during such stressful times. We are grieving the loss of our jobs. Some are grieving the loss of financial security or our ability to feed our families. Finally there are hundreds of thousands of people that have died from Covid, lives cut short. Regardless of their age, their loved ones grief for the years they have lost. That is a lot of grieving people.I do want to share a couple of tips when dealing with a grieving person. It is okay if you disagree. If you have read the blog some of this will be reminders but some will be new. This is only MY opinion and mostly based on my experience, a lot of it recent. But it could apply to so many right now. Statistically we know it does.I will start with what I know best, the loss of your child. But it applies to all deaths. Never say “I understand how you feel”. Unless you have experienced their exact situation you do not have that right to say that. I have been told more than once and even recently. “I know how you feel I have two daughters.” NO! Unless you have lost a child, never say that to a parent that has. You may mean that you can only imagine. But that is not what you said. When you say something like that you are minimizing their grief and the trauma of losing their child. Not okay. Second, specific to the loss of a child, please never imply that it has been long enough for the parent to be doing better. NO! Every grief journey is different. I know for sure that every single parent that loses a child will never be OK again. They may learn to cope better. But they are not OK. Your child dying before you is just too unnatural in the scheme of life. It is okay to ask, how long it has been since the death, but please be so careful with your words. It is easy to say something that implies they should be doing better. Trust me they are already thinking that and beating themselves up. Professionals and armchair psychologists seem to have put a timeline on grief. That once you have experience each of the formal stages of grief, you are done, you can’t play the grief card anymore. So wrong in so many ways. Would your child cease to exist in your heart and mind after their death? Please do not ask if it is getting easier, it implies it should be. Please just offer your support. “I know this will never be OK. I know you don’t always show your pain, but I know it is there. Please know I am here if you need to talk or just need me to sit (socially distanced) with you. You are not alone”.All of the above advice applies to any death. My mother in law died of Covid. The first question is always. “I am sorry. How old was she?” 85. Admit it we have all thought well at least they had a long life. No, to their family they didn’t. Without Covid, maybe they would have lived to 90. In that time they would have met new great grandchildren, watch grandchildren graduate from college, celebrate life events of the people they loved and the people that they are responsible for creating. At the time of her death, my MIL was enjoying her days. Stop thinking that age should drive at what level we grieve. Every person’s journey is different. When a preventable death happens it is never okay. Would it have been easier if Hayley had been 50 and me 77? No it would not, would I be thankful that I had 50 years instead of 19 with this amazing human I created? Absolutely. I would even be thankful that I would have less years to have to live without her.Grief is Grief. There is not a set path. There is not a timeline. It is never okay to minimize someone’s grief. It is okay to be thankful it is not happening to you. There should be no guilt to feel that way. I would never wish this upon anyone. Don’t forget that in 2020 and 2021, grief has expanded, it no longer has just one meaning. It is okay to feel non-traditional grief right now. Do not compare it to others. It is nearly impossible to be thankful right now for what you do have, but I bet we are all feeling that right now. If Hayley’s life and death made a positive difference in how you live your life, that is a blessing.
Just One Mom's Tragic Loss