For a few more minutes I can say that. My daughter died last year. I am struggling with the change to 2019. July 2017 seems so much further away. I can’t say I lost her last year. What do I say? I lost my daughter in 2017; I lost my daughter a year and a half ago; I lost my daughter 17 months ago. Will people hear the time past and think I should be doing better than I am? Time does not heal. Time is the enemy. Time is how long it has been since I have held her or played with her hair. Time is how long I have missed her. Time is what has passed since my heart was ripped from my chest. Time is everything she has missed. Time is unfair.
I really don’t know if I can stop saying she was lost last year. Extending that sentence is painful. We went out with friends tonight. We never go out on New Year’s Eve. But everything else has changed and I thought why not try something different. I was able to drag Scott and 4 friends along for the ride. We saw an acappella group. There was some eye rolling on the part of the men but I think if they were honest they enjoyed it. I am glad to be home before midnight.
Christmas was painful. Everyday is painful. Some days are just extra painful. She should be here. She would turn 21 in 2019. She was looking forward to that day. She made me promise I would go out with her and we would rent a limo. Maybe I will get shit faced on that day for her. Puke for good measure too.
I survived 2018. A full year without her, every single month of the year and whatever special dates they held. Here is to 2019. I have experience now. I know how it is going to feel. I am dreading the dropping of the ball. One minute now….there it goes the ball is dropping on 2018. 2019 is here. It is only a number but for me it is so much more.