Saturday night I went to a concert with my Mom. We saw Cyndi Lauper and Rod Stewart at the White River Amphitheater. Now this is the 8th time I have been to a Rod Stewart show, it is kind of our thing, my Mom and I. Years ago I said the 7th was the last time. That was the time Terri helped me get to the front of the stage and toss my bra to Sir Rod and have it hang on the guitar while they played Maggie May. Can’t top that can you? But this was a nice chance to spend time with Mom before I go to Italy and she heads back to Florida. We probably should have stopped at 7 cause let’s just say Rod still looked good but his voice and his moves are very tired. The crowd was so old! It was like I watched a group of people over the past 20 years age as a group. We did end up leaving early to avoid traffic so who are we to criticize. But Cyndi was totally worth the trip. But like many things I had moments of immense sadness. We totally would have made Hayley come with us. When they played the anthem of the women’s movement, “Girls just want to have fun” they changed the words to “fundamental rights”. I was proud of my liberal feminist daughter. She was going to enter a male dominated field and she would have rocked it. She was growing into such an amazing woman. Our #belikehayley slogan, Be Kind, Be Funny and Be Real, those were the three words that I thought of first to describe her. When she sang “True Colors” it reminded me of some of my thoughts this past few weeks.
I have read that when you lose someone you love your world dims. Colors don’t seem as bright. Kind of like a depression medication commercial. It starts out black and white and sad and then you take the pill and it is rainbows and flowers and birds. Well it’s not exactly like that for me. Colors are actually more vivid then before. Everything is. I think it is because my emotions are always at the surface. Everything is heightened. The trees look greener, sunsets are more orange and the sun is brighter. But it is too much. It is like I am over stimulated all the time. I am sensitive to everything because it only takes a small scratch for those emotions to rise to the surface. When I see the mountain I remember always telling Hayley look at that isn’t it beautiful. I drove her nuts making her look at all the beauty around the PNW. I must have used the word amazing too many times because if I pointed something out she would give me a sarcastic “it’s amazing mom”. Some of you read that in her voice didn’t you and maybe with an eye roll. But as she got older she would point things out to me. I wanted my children to go through life wide awake, noticing everything. I felt it would make them better humans and allow them to be more aware of others too. Now these things are so bright it is as if the world around me is going on without me or maybe even mocking me.
I wonder why the colors are brighter. My light is dimmer. Is it the contrast to what is inside of me? This summer has been brutal. I believe that maybe my brain has helped me cope by thinking she was at school but once summer came that didn’t work any more. That small scratch has become a festering wound. I feel like everything reminds me that I am missing half my soul. I teeter on the edge of completely losing my shit at any moment. By holding it back and choking it down I worry that there will come a time where I can’t do that anymore and that scares me. I don’t know if I would survive letting the control go. I feel that the outside would end up as shredded as the inside is.
Besides colors I have also noticed in the past year that things just don’t bother me like they used to. We had to wait in line for 45 minutes to get into the concert. People were bitching about it all around me. People were accusing others (us) of cutting in line. Doesn’t even phase me. It makes me sad for them. It makes me sad I ever wasted any time letting something like that bother me or cause me stress. I can’t make the line go away. We will all be in the venue before the concert starts. Being grumpy or in a hurry won’t change that at all. So let it go. Some may be thinking the meds have numbed me, but I truly believe that the little things don’t matter. I now know what the worst thing in the world feels like and standing in line to see two aging rock stars is not one of those things. I see frazzled mothers wave off their children. I want to scream at them. Don’t ignore your child, get off your phone. You can never get that moment back. You may never lose your child but they will become adults and those moments will be gone. I see parents getting mad at their children. I feel like the Yoda of parenting. I want to tell them pick your battles. Appreciate your kids. Getting mad you don’t. (yoda voice)
Last week a man followed Henry home for 20 minutes because he thought Henry cut him off. He was seriously on our porch wanting to talk to us about Henry’s driving. It was kind of surreal. I shuffled like Yoda to the door with the plan to give him a life lesson. I let the dogs go first, it looked like an dog park gone bad. I let him start to speak and I had it all worked out what I was going to say to him. Like did he seriously just waste potentially 40 minutes out of his way to tell us he got cut off. Does he not know we lost our daughter, Henry cutting him off won’t phase us at all. But before I could start my lecture Scott and Finn came flying out of the house. Scott was as angry as I have ever seen him. On the ring doorbell video you see me backing up like “oh shit this guy is screwed”. A few brief sentences from Scott with some colorful language and the guy was practically sprinting down our driveway with Finn chasing him thinking this was a fun game. It even got better. This guy called the police. An officer came to our door. The officer and my boys had a great laugh. The officer said we did exactly what we should of and complimented Henry. Evidently this guy wanted to report that Scott had scared him but he did tell the officer how polite Henry had been. You can’t even make this shit up. After the adrenaline wore off Scott looked at me and said “can’t we just have one month where nothing bad happens to us”. He sounded so defeated. I quickly had to put a bandaid on that scratch before I dissolved in tears.
So basically I am feeling like a wise old person that sees colors. Maybe that is my superpower. Maybe it is like being bitten by a radioactive spider. My grief is radioactive matter running through my veins. I feel more, I see more. It is like I have the ability to see the whole picture like when google earth zooms out. You no longer see the small things but just colors. Maybe this is what losing your mind feels like. That pain right at the surface.
I go to Italy Friday. This trip is so out of my comfort zone. I know I would disappoint Hayley if I was not going. Be brave. I wonder what will it feel like to be somewhere she has never walked, never breathed the air. Will it be a relief? Will it be more sad because she will never have the same experience? Am I overthinking this? Hell yes. I am far from a seasoned traveler and probably won’t be very good at it. I plan to write about the trip as I go. I may not post it until I after I get back. I hope I have fun. My fun cells have been gone. I do things that should be fun but I don’t have fun. I go through the motions. Maybe this trip will restore some of those cells. Maybe I will come back with new superpowers.