Month: July 2018

The two weeks of anniversary dates are over.  I am too tired and drained to reflect on what they meant to me.  They were even more brutal than I expected.  I will talk about it when I regain a little energy.  I want today to be about Hayley’s gifts.  Her organ donations.  She ended up able to donate four major organs.  In addition she will save or improve the lives of countless others with her tissue donations.  We are so thankful that we have made a connection with three of her recipients.  Her heart and both kidneys have made us a part of their beautiful lives.  With his permission I wanted to share with you the letter we received from Chris aka “left kidney”.  All we knew at first was that one kidney went to a man in his thirties and the other to a woman in her thirties.  I have not told Chris this story but the way I remembered which one got the left or the right was that women are always right!  I am sure Wendy will appreciate that.

With his permission I wanted to share his beautiful letter that he sent to us.  This is the power of organ donation…

 

Well it is finally here.  The kick off day to the worst dates of my life.  July 11th.  I fucking hate this date.  I know it is just a date.  I know that it is a different day.  But that date was so exciting last year.  Hayley was so happy about that date, the surgery date.  One year ago this morning was the last time she smiled.  It was the last time she was whole.  When she woke from surgery the hell began.  We entered that doctor’s office with a child that was excited about her future and we left with a child in pain and ill.  By the end of that day she was in the hospital.  The hospital of incompetence.  I am so pissed about July 11th.  Why did I let her do the surgery?  I want a do over.  I want my old life back.  I can’t handle this new one.

I feel angry but only in my head, the rest of my body feels numb.  I feel like if I don’t move today I won’t rattle the awful feelings this date dredges up.  I wonder if her surgeon and the anesthesiologist  remember today.  Have they moved on, hundreds of other patients.  Do they know today is the day?  The day that started our 12 days of hell, regret, pain, and helplessness.

I hope I can feel numb all day today.  I know the worst is coming.  The day I watched her die (18th), the date hope was gone and the date on her death certificate (20th) and the date that she left us to save others (23rd).  I hope that on the 24th I can celebrate the lives she saved that day without anger and regret.

I am lucky to be going to our friend’s house in Hood Canal on Saturday for the week.  I hope that I can find peace and relaxation there.  At a minimum I will have different scenery and maybe that will be enough.

Fucking July 11th.

 

Tonight I thought my life might be over.  It was a brief moment in time.  I am trying not to be a drama queen but Henry is my reason for going on and living with the excruciating pain of losing Hayley.  I had just said to Scott, Henry is out, I am owning the fact we are not going anywhere and getting my pjs on.  I sat back down at 5:34 with my penguin jammies on.  I looked at my text and Verizon had text me at 5:28 to tell me that Henry’s phone had called 911.  I looked at Scott and asked him to track Henry’s phone.  It was in Redmond and not moving.  His phone went right to voicemail.  He had been in an accident.  I was upstairs getting dressed before Scott even talked to Henry.  I planned to go to exactly where his phone was.  I told myself he was okay because he had dialed 911.  The voice said well someone else may have used his phone to call because he couldn’t.  I saw the look on Scott’s face when he got Henry on the phone, I was already getting my shoes on and putting Finn in the kennel, turn the oven off and waiting for Scott in the car.  I had backed down to get it pointing heading out taking out one of the garbage cans Henry had not brought up when I asked.  So when Scott said he would drive I quickly relinquished the wheel.  On the way there Scott admitted that he had been imagining something happening to Henry because of the Hayley anniversaries looming.  Like it was time for something else bad to happen.  I felt less alone.  I was not the only one constantly worrying about Henry.  Henry called me, where are you mom?  He sounded hoarse and really upset.  I calming told him we were on our way.  I text him along the way telling him how close we were.  When we got to the parking lot I saw his wonderful group of friends standing to the side, Henry was with a police officer.  He immediately headed my way and we met in the middle.  He actually hugged me and let me hold him as long as I needed.  I searched his face and body for injuries, his face looked red.  This was when he told me that he had been punched in the face.  I went in for another hug to hide the horror on my face.  He is so much taller than me and it felt like I was the kid being hugged by a parent.

I was ready to destroy something.  I wanted to leave, hunt down that car and do serious damage to the man that hurt my baby.  Shortly after we got there we were told that the carjacker had caused a major multiple car crash and was in custody.  They needed Henry to go ID the man. I asked for one of us to go with.  I nominated Scott knowing full well I would be out of that police car and kicking that guy in the nuts before any officer could stop me.  Although they did put Scott in the back of the police car so I would not have had the chance with the whole doors lock from the outside thing.

Henry was calm and mature.  The police were surprised he was only 16.  I thanked the 19 year old that had followed the car shortly called the information in to police and went back to be with Henry.  He was the only one.  Others drove by Henry in the intersection screaming for help.  What kind of adults do that?  Evidently several.  I am so pissed.

The officer in charge was a young woman.  She had a pony tail like Hayley.  I imagine this is what Hayley would have looked like in her uniform and how kind she also would have been as an officer.

With the dates looming, how could we have something else crappy happen?  We are already facing my unemployment ending and taking a low paying part time job.  Now we have to buy another car with deductibles and you know the insurance company will hose us on the amount even though we have had the car 8 weeks.  It is never ending.  My life has been one challenge after another.  Nothing phases me now because nothing could be worse than what we faced this month a year ago.  But the fact that someone tried to hurt my baby and all of the “what could have happen”, I am just so done.

I am in bed, xanax on board, dogs all in the room listening to the fireworks going off.  Not one of our 4 dogs seem to care about fireworks.  At least that is a blessing.  I have a 16 year old shaken up, it could be worse if I had four dogs freaking out about fireworks.  So there that is as close to glass half full I am going to get.

I am ready for good things to happen.  Maybe I won’t recognize them.  Maybe I won’t smile, but for f&%k sake give me a damn break.

 

July is bearing down on me like a freight train.  It is the month our lives hanged forever.  This time last year I was spending all my time with Hayley.  We were shopping for her new room, painting (well Scott was doing that), the color, Kensington Gray and preparing for her surgery.  She was so full of life and so excite about it.  A new start, Hayley getting her groove back.  I wonder sometimes if the person that made her feel less because of her chest knows that she is responsible?  I lost my window of opportunity to write her a letter.  She moves this summer to another state.  I am happy because I won’t have to see her at Henry’s school, but I wish I had sent that letter.

Someone asked us today about our 4th of July plans.  A waterfall of sadness washed over me.  Scott answered in a generic way.  I had to keep myself from ruining this gal’s day.  In my head, I said, well 4th of July was our last truly special day.  Henry had other plans.  Scott, Hayley and I spent a wonderful day at our friend’s house in Gig Harbor.  We went out on their boat. I can still remember Hayley looking back at me from the front of the boat, hair blowing, big smile on her face.  It was our last day to parent her together that was peaceful and celebratory.  I am dreading the 4th.  The partys will go on.in   We will do what Scott said today.  We will stay home with our dogs.  Although none of our dogs could care less about fireworks.  I want to see her on that boat, happy and excited about the next week.

Once I survive the 4th, a week later we have the anniversary of her surgery and then the dates just roll in.  The date she crashed, the date she was declared, the date she donated her organs.  2 weeks solid of nightmares.

I went for my first walk in over a year this past week.  It was a good walk.  3/4 of a mile.  Pretty good for 4 weeks out from bariatric surgery.  Finn did pretty well. But, I felt really isolated.  Vulnerable.  I was out in the world, unprotected.  I think one of the reasons I have not been able to get my house in order and it is always a mess, is that then I won’t have people over.  I sit on my couch, on my spot.  I sit.  I cry.  I scream.  Then Scott gets home and we count the hours until it is reasonable to go to bed.  We have decided that this time is 8:00 p.m.  If we go earlier than we have a problem.  Normal people don’t go to bed before 8.  It is our unspoken time.

I used to be so sad when it was 8:00.  Another day gone.  Sometimes I felt I had taken advantage of that day, but more often than not I felt maybe I had wasted it.  It was one less day with the kids.  Did I parent well?  Did they feel loved?  Did I accomplish anything?  I felt that time was going way too fast.  It felt like it was slipping away, one day closer to being empty nest, one day closer to being done.  Now the time crawls and I want it to go fast.  I no longer care what I accomplish.  If I got out of bed, which because of Finn I do before 8:00 a.m. every single day.  If I got dressed sort of.  Did I put clean pajamas on? Did I wear a bra?  Did I shower?  Those are things I use to judge a successful day.  But it goes by so slowly.  I feel so ungrateful that I want time to go by fast. In my mind I know that it means one day closer to Henry spreading his wings.  But I can’t get myself to care.  The pain is so deep and so raw, I just want that day done.  I want to take my medication and go to sleep, where I have 8 or more hours of relief.

The Puppy was a good idea.  My friends were brilliant.  I would be sleeping most of the days and have long sad nights without this puppy.  That would be worse.  He is basically an 80 pound toddler.  He needs constant supervision or he would destroy the house.  He also has to be with us or he will be sad.  When I cry he licks my face.  When Scott gets home he is so happy to see him.  He won’t stop until Scott lets him up on his lap for a Golden Retriever hug.  I still cannot believe Scott lets him lick all over his face.  That dog gets more love than any of us.  He plays with each of our other dogs.  They are all in better shape and healthier because of Finn the Monster dog.  But my favorite Finn accomplishment is that he makes Henry smile.  Not his half smile, but the one with the dimples.  The one that has disappeared over the last year.

So Happy 4th, the weather looks great.  Please have a slushy for me and fun for Hayley.  Enjoy your family time, every minute.  Be thankful.  Be alive.