The Pain

 

 

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I have been familiar with pain for a very long time.  In my 20s it was IBS and Chronic Sinus Infections.  Sinus Surgery helped but was it’s own pain experience.  I gave birth to Hayley.  In my 30s, it was a 2nd sinus surgery, wrist surgery, gall bladder, uterine ablation, and I gave birth to Henry.  Add a dislocated tail bone thanks to Henry.  I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at 38 and shortly after suffered Cardiac Arrest winning a pacemaker, that involved pain for sure. New Year’s in Vegas I broke my ankle.  All of this before I was 40 and I am sure I am missing something.  I looked up words to describe pain.  This is what I found:

• aching
• tender
• sharp
• shooting
• hot
• burning
• nagging
• intense
• stabbing
• tingling
• dull
• throbbing

These words all describe the pain of Fibromyalgia.  What they don’t include is the emotional pain.  Guilt, Sadness, exhaustion, frustration, anger or disgust.

All of these descriptive words also describe my grief.  The raw pain of losing half my heart in one horrible night.  It aches all of the time.  A deep ache in your chest, it feels as if it vibrates throughout your insides.  Your skin is tender.  You are raw.  You don’t want anyone to bump into you.  I sometimes cannot find clothes that are comfortable touching my skin.  The sharp pain takes you by surprise, it takes your breath away.  It happens when you walk into the dentist office and see a young girl with her back to you.  She has long brown highlighted hair.  She is wearing a black puffy north face vest, with leggings and black Nikes.  This was Hayley’s uniform.  The sharp pain knocks you down and you have to hide.  Shooting pain is when you are doing laundry and you come across a pair of panties that were hers.  You sit and grip it and put it to your face.  I dropped to my knees feeling the shooting pain.  Not knowing if it is from the grief or worry about your psyche that you are alone and smelling her clean underwear.  Hot and Burning are the feelings of anger at the injustice of it all.  Or when you receive a doctor bill 7 months past that lists the details of what services they provided.  It included “placement of breathing tube”.  I felt hot as I called and begged them to stop sending this mail addressed to Hayley.  Nagging is easy to articulate.  It is the nagging thoughts that won’t stop.  What if I had taken her to a different hospital.  Why didn’t I yell and scream until the doctors heard my concerns.  It is a line of thinking that is truly nagging and so hard to stop once that train has left the station.  Intense describes the pain I feel every single day.  It is that moment when I wake up.  For a few seconds I am only focused on which dog woke me up and then I remember.  This pain is intense.  Or when I walk into her room and see her shoes lined up, her make up cart, her laundry basket still holding the clothes she wore the week before her death.  Such intense pain.  Stabbing is all of the above.  Tingling is the sense that you are forgetting something.  A memory that you try to pluck and you can’t.  Grief robs you of your mental strength.  Studies actual show lost brain function in people experiencing intense grief.  So if you are feeling all of the above and you can’t remember what you have to do tomorrow or what you did yesterday; it’s okay, you can blame it on brain damage.  Finally, dull and throbbing, this is your eyes, sinuses, throat after crying every hour all day.

It is the middle of the night and my pain is high.  My joints ache and my chest is tight.  I am fighting tears begging the xanax to kick in.  My muscles throb.  How do I survive this pain?  How do I walk through this hell?  All I want to do is rest. I want one day, even just one hour where my body doesn’t hurt and my mind rests.  I cannot even imagine how that would feel.

So when you ask me how I am and I shrug and say “ok”, or it’s a hard day, maybe knowing these words that describe pain will help you understand your own pain, my pain and the pain of your loved ones.  Everyone carries some pain.  Don’t forget that.  Don’t forget the promises you made to me and others.  Like when you said “I won’t stop asking”, “I will be here”.  If you said it and you have not been able to follow through, it’s okay, you all have your lives to live.  Because mine has stopped, yours shouldn’t.  BUT what I ask is that the next time you are faced with someone in pain for whatever reason, do NOT make promises of any kind.  You don’t need to add to their pain when life prevents you from following through.  Just address the present, don’t promise for the future.  I would prefer you didn’t.  But you can be…

Be understanding.  Be kind.  Be patient.  Be empathetic.        Be helpful.   Be strong.  Be real.  Be authentic.  #belikehayley