Dear Dawn,

Dear Pre-July 2017 Dawn,

This is the new you.  Don’t get excited it is not a new you, like you lost that 50 pounds and you get a makeover on the Today show.  In fact you have gained another 35, way to be an overachiever!  In the next summer your life will change forever.  Remember those nightmares you have regularly about something happening to Hayley or Henry?  I am sorry, one comes true.  You are going to lose her.  You are going to make decisions that will haunt you.  If you can talk her out of the breast reduction please do.  But if not, this is what I want you to know and what I want you to do.

Advice #1:  When one of the kids asked you to do something, do it.  Don’t care about work deadlines, trust me after April 2017 it won’t matter and man you are going to be pissed, let’s keep that a surprise.  But bottom line the 60 plus hour work weeks will end up not mattering anymore.  Yes, you raised millions for heart research and taught hundreds of kids CPR, but none of that will matter at all.  So when Hayley asks you to go to dinner, go to the store, anything, stop what you are doing and go.  You are one lucky bitch.  You have a teenager that would actually choose to spend time with you.  I know you say yes a lot but it is time to say yes every single time.  All that matters is that very day.  BE present.  You are always in a million places being pulled in so many directions.  Focus on the kids.  Focus on Hayley.  I know you think she is your best friend, but you will soon find out that she was so much more to you and to a lot of other people.  You will miss her as your best friend, but you will miss her more because when she is gone, the you that you know now will also be gone.  You were feel like your heart has been ripped from your chest.  You will still do what you can to fake it for Henry, but you won’t really be present.  So Be Present while you can.  Trips to the store create memories for your kids.  I know you can make anything fun.  I miss that about the old me.  Remember the time you hid condoms in Hayley’s basket and asked her to check out so you could run to Bartells to get a prescription.

Advice #2 – Laugh more.  Hayley is one funny bitch!  Laugh at her and with her.  She has the most wonderful sense of humor, you have taught her well.  Stop and Listen.  Enjoy the sound of her voice and the sound of her laugh.  It will become hard to remember it.  You will call her voicemail to be reminded.  This brings me to a very important change!

Advice #3 –  Keep taking all of your photos, but start recording video.  You have so many tapes from ages 0 to maybe 7 but then it slows down.  There are virtually none I can find of her as a teenager.  The ones you do have are only 10 seconds long.  You found them on her phone or from friends.  Why 10 seconds?  Fucking Snapchat!  That is the maximum length that you can send to a friend.  Their attention spans are short enough; thanks Snapchat for making them shorter.  Take videos every week, set an alarm to remember.  Just ask her how her day was and see where it goes.  Pay her to do it if you have too.  Then back your phone up and back that up to an external drive.

Advice #4 – Encourage Scott to talk to her during the day.  A 4 minute phone call at work won’t slow you down.  Je will be glad you helped him have all those little connections.

Advice #5 – Always answer when she calls.  If you are with someone just say I am sorry I need to answer this because it is a VIP, my daughter.

Advice #6 –  You know those dance parties you two spontaneously have in the living room.  Do that more often.  She doesn’t care how bad you dance.

Advice #7 –  The singing in the car.  Keep doing that.  Sing together, annoy Henry, make him join in.  None of you can sing so do it more.  Those songs will be very meaningful.

Advice #8 – Invade her room!  When she is having her alone time, interrupt for a hug and to ask what she is watching.  Then leave quickly before she loses it.

Advice #9 – Be patient.  I know you are tired, I know your health issues cause you pain, but you are running out of time. Be patient when she needs you or just wants to chat.  Make her feel she is the most important person in the world.

Advice #10 – Cuddle more.  I know she has Scott’s genes and is not the most cuddling kid.  Force it.  Sit on her until she gives you a hug, she will appreciate it eventually.  Take naps together.  Hug both kids as often as they will let you.

Advice #11 – Never miss a night of your goodnight ritual.  It is so rare and special that your 19 year old never misses it.

Advice #12 – Be a good listener.  Do less coaching and more listening.  But remember that you are her coach.  Your job is to coach her through life but not actually swing the bat for her.

Advice #13 – All the vacations you and the kids take on your own, don’t ever feel guilty and instead convince Scott to join you, make him go, find a good dog sitter.

Advice #14 – When she asks to go to Cannon Beach, go.  You never missed a year from birth to 17, why the last two?  It is her special place, go, find the money, make it happen.

Advice #15 – When you are at Disneyland on her Graduation trip buy her the Minnie Mouse backpack she has admired on more than one trip.  How many kids want their grad trip to be to Disneyland with her parents?  You are the winner!

Advice #16 – Don’t ever doubt her love for you.  You always focus on the times you think you were not the perfect mother.  Fuck perfect.  Perfect is boring.  You are doing your best and she adores you as much as you adore her.  Tell her every chance you get.  How many college kids drive halfway home to meet you for dinner on your birthday and give you more than a dozen cards to “open when” you need to.

Advice #17 – When she wants a golden retriever or a frenchie, get the dog.  Although I recommend the Golden.  In fact, when you visit her in college bring Zoey too.

Advice #18 – Tell her every day how beautiful she is.  Tell her how proud you are.  It doesn’t have to be a Hallmark Greeting but get creative.  It doesn’t have to be a big production.  Just make sure she knows.  She blossomed in college, you did well.

I could continue but I doubt you read past “you are going to lose her”.  You lose yourself too.  You will be a shell.  People will tell you how strong you are, but they don’t know that most of your day is spent curled in a ball trying to rock the pain away.  Everything will remind you of your loss.  You will become the greatest actor ever.  People will think you are still funny when actually you are not trying to be.  Well, that in itself is a little funny.  You will run out of ways to say thank you to literally hundreds of people.  You thought you had a small circle of people you could count on in life, man you will be so very wrong.  I mean hundreds will take the time to send you messages, make you food, leave you treats, spend time with you, offer to do anything they can to lighten your burden.  You will see her sitting next to you in the car and you will remember reaching over to pet her hair.  You will remember how it smelled.  You will be sad, broken and pissed off all at the same time.  You will wish you were dead.  But you will keep breathing for Henry and for Scott.  (and your 4 dogs, yes a 4th)  I know it will seem impossible but try to breathe for yourself too.

Love to You,

March 2018 Dawn