What is that phrase… April Rains bring May showers? Yeah, not here. It has rained and rained. What it has brought me is filthy floors from a dog that loves to be out in the rain and dig in the mud. Get a golden retriever they said, it will be good for you they said. So much this month. We started a bathroom remodel. We had leaks a long time ago in our master bathroom so it was time to rip somethings out and make sure it was all okay, so might as well remodel. That logic makes sense right. Well being that I lack strong cognitive skills right now I didn’t really sit down and calculate how much it would cost. Uh oh, is right. It is the one room money pit. How can a room that is 12 feet by 11 feet cost this much to put back together. Today, day 3, was the day of the flooding. Evidently the builder used cheap ass plastic pipes that are brittle and break easily. While we were out the poor contractor dealt with the first flood when a fluke accident had his hanging light fall and shear off a pipe. Every towel in my house was used. Then when we were home, it happen two more times. So we are without water for the night. The boys just keep pissing in the backyard which is not making me happy. I have to fill the toilet tank with jugs of water. I have stopped all liquids and solid foods for the evening. I was so agitated by 7 o’clock I had a xanax for dinner. I now have a better understanding of friends that have remodeled. I can’t imagine doing more than a bathroom. Plus I am the designer for the project and the general contractor. No pressure. Add that Scott is one of my “subs” and we are going to be in for a lot of refills this month.
It is national donor awareness month. Seems appropriate since Hayley’s birthday is the 29th. Friday is green and blue day. Wear the colors and if possible tag me in a photo using #donatelife and #belikehayley. As soon as April hit my anxiety has climbed. Birthdays are a big deal in our house. She would begin planning her birthday back in February! Hayley loved her birthday more than Christmas. I threw the best birthday parties. I loved every minute of the planning and the execution. I loved the gift shopping. I strived to find something she had not asked for but would love. I don’t have that to do right now. It is brutal. When does it get easier?
We accomplished a big milestone last weekend. We traded Hayley’s car in for a car for Henry. He didn’t want to drive HER car. I get it, but it was so hard not to have it in the driveway. That was her baby. She loved having her squad in her car and it was her means to get back and forth from school to see me. This was the most difficult thing for Scott so far. For me there was also some relief. Every time I would drive into the driveway, which is several times a day, I would see the car and have this fraction of a second of “Hayley’s home”! It was fleeting but it still happen nearly every time. I was always so happy to see that car. Now I see a car that reminds me of Henry and his big milestone coming up without his sister. The same week she would have been 20 he will be 16 without her. He is hurting. He has been for 8 months, but it is starting to show. He sleeps a lot and school is becoming a challenge. This afternoon he gave me a wonderful gift. He took a nap on the couch with his head on a pillow in my lap. I napped too with my hand resting on his head. What a treat! He is almost 16 and I know that these moments will be rare. I even had to pee but I held it until he woke up because I wasn’t going to miss a minute.
Today we went to Olympia for an awards ceremony for donor 
families. I have been excited about it because any opportunity to honor her memory is a good day for me. I thought it would be great to be with “my people”. Everyone there has experienced the same pain I have. But there is where it went wrong for me. There were about 80-100 people in a formal room in our beautiful capital building. The chairs were tight so we were all sitting arm to arm, butt to butt. What was I thinking? Yes, being honored by the Governor is thoughtful and appreciated. Being in a room with 100 people that also loved and lost in the last year is very intense. Governor Inslee was very authentic and sincere. His own son recently was the recipient of a cornea transplant. After they read the names of all 120 people that have been organ donors in the past year in Washington state. Every name has a story. Every name has a family. My grief is so overwhelming and invades every breath that I have become so self centered. I feel as if I am the only one hurting this much. I feel I lost the most. I lost my best friend, no one could possible understand how I battle each and every single day. I realized at that moment how egocentric I have been. Because those people in that room, they get it. I got more agitated as the names were read. Sometimes a family member would make a wounded sound when their loved one’s name was read. People cried. When it happened, “Hayley McCutcheon”, I wanted to stand up and scream, did you hear that name, that was my child, that is my love, my heart and my soul, that name. She should still be here don’t you understand. I don’t want to be a part of a group. I want to be alone with my grief. I want to keep her alive in my world. If they read her name with all of your deceased loved ones, how can I pretend this is not happening? I can’t.
After the ceremony we had a reception with lunch. We were encouraged to circulate and hear other’s stories. What? I tried. The first was the lady I sat next to in the ceremony. Her 27 year old daughter was killed by a drunk driver 6 weeks before her wedding and the same week Hayley died. I heard the story and I heard how little jail time the driver was going to get. I watched her shake with anger. I tried to ask appropriate questions. She asked about Hayley but she really wasn’t listening, you could see she was lost in her story and thinking about the pending sentencing of the woman that destroyed her life. I saw my own self centeredness reflected back at me. We left with some flowers and a certificate. The certificate is like so many I have in my Hayley box. Certificates for soccer, dance, and student of the month. Now I had another to add. A piece of paper that basically says good job on your decision to give life to others when you died at 19. I want to burn it.
It felt like a funeral reception for so many. I just felt so sad for all of these people, because I know how they feel. The food was excellent, so on top of being sad, I blew my diet. They had a table with like five different cookie bars. Fruit, Quiche, wraps. I was like an unsupervised toddler at a birthday party. I believe that I am glad we went. If it was an annual thing, I wouldn’t go again, but every single person that works for Life Center NW was there to honor us and Hayley. The sincerity and appreciation that was shown was beyond compare. It truly takes special people to choose that line of work. Really extraordinary people.
The week of April 23rd, Q13 Fox will air Hayley’s story. It was filmed weeks ago and has been delayed a few times. It won’t all be about Hayley but we are thankful to my friend that is producing the piece. I believe it will show organ donation in the light it deserves. It should also be posted on their webpage if you miss it so I will make sure to share the link. Some of the interview is now dated but hopefully will still be impactful. I have more to tell, more to share but I am not ready yet. Wear blue and green for Hayley on Friday. Ask friends and family if they are a donor. If not refer them to www.lcnw.org for more information and a way to register. Thank you to this community of readers for supporting me and always lifting me up.
Hugs and kisses!!