The Rules

Right now, is a bad night.  It is exactly one month since her official death.  It is 20 years this week we announced our pregnancy.  All my days are bad but some are worse than others, this is one of them.  I thought writing would help.  But I think if I write about the place I am in now it will make it worse.  So, I will write, just for lightness.  A rule book of sorts, maybe it will help.

Disclaimer:  This is how I feel, these are my rules.  They may not apply to all grieving parents.

The Golden rule of dealing with a grieving parent. Do not take anything they do or say personally.  A parent that has lost a child gets a golden pass to do, say or act in any way needed. The exceptions are if my actions cause physical damage to another or are illegal.  Even then I might push those limits.  Nothing is about you.  If a grieving parent tells you that you are not only an asshole but also an insensitive one.  Do NOT take it personally, just give them some space.  If after the one year mark they still have the same opinion of you than it may be true and you should probably accept that the relationship is over.

It is ALL about their child and their pain.  At our Friday Grief Counseling session he discussed with us the most common question those dealing with loss ask.  How long will I this pain and grief last?  His answer was based on his experience as a widower;  about 2 and a half years.  He said most “experts” say about one year.  Because in one year you will have had a cycle of all the seasons, events, dates, and holidays at least once without that child.  He asked me how long I thought it would take.  “Forever” was my answer.  But we still had time on his clock so he talked to me about Hayley.  What would your daughter want?  What do you think she would say if you were never happy again; if you and her Dad grew apart instead of closer.  It had not occurred to me at all what Hayley would want.  My first thought is that she would not want to be dead.  But since this is not possible, I think about it quietly, hoping Scott will talk and I won’t have to answer the question.  I think for me it will not get easier for 4 to 6 years.  I am only guessing.  That is when friends have had those events that Hayley and I had discussed or dreamed about.  For example, in 3 years she would have graduated from college the same week her brother graduated High School.  We thought that was so cool.  She constantly talked about both being the class of 2020.  Her friends will be starting careers.  She has wanted a career in law enforcement since junior high school.  Her friends will date and fall in love.  She was excited to move forward and start to date for the first time.  We talked about it.  It was part of the reason she wanted the surgery.  She wanted control of her health and her appearance.  Those 36H things were in her way both physically and mentally.

Once her friends start doing things Hayley and I had not discussed yet, it might get easier.  When the first gets married; I will hurt.  I will think of all those episodes of “say yes to the dress” we watched.  When the first has a baby; I will hurt.  But those were not things we talked about often, too far in the future.  So for me I really feel that it may become easier after 5 years if I can survive that long.  At that point Henry will be one year into college and hopefully Scott and I will have figured out another new normal, the empty nest.

Rules or Just Guidelines for Dealing with a Grieving Mother

Now that the magic blue box on our porch is not yielding yummy surprises on a daily basis, the odds are I am going to have to start leaving the house.  I can guarantee you that I will be going to Bartells to refill my Xanax prescription.   You may run into me.  I thought I would share some tips on how to handle these situations.

Scenario #1 – Hide and Seek

You see me, but I don’t see you.

Option A – you are having a great hair day.  You are feeling good.  You really don’t want to be reminded of your worst nightmare as a parent by seeing the bags and grief up close on my face.

Solution – make sure I don’t see you

Option B – F*&k it might as well say hi and get it over with.

Solution – approach slowly, smile, not big grin like you just discovered the most comfortable thong underwear ever.   A small, calm, approachable smile will do.

You took door number 2, what next?

People generally greet each other a “Hi, how are you?”.  It literally is how we say Hi, we don’t even think about it.  When someone asks me that question they immediately feel awkward. Seriously, I can totally hear the conversation going on in their head because I have been there too.  It probably goes something like this “OMFG you just asked her how she was doing, are you an idiot?  Her daughter died, of course she is not okay.!”

This question does not bother me. It does bother me when people get all flustered and say that was a dumb question or even answer it for ME.  Let me answer it.  I may just give the auto response “ok”.  That does not mean I am OK, of course I am not OK, are you an idiot?  But my “ok” is different now than yours.  I may answer truthfully, “I am having a rough day”.

In general, not just with a grieving mother, maybe we should start listening to the answer.  If you don’t really care how they are doing than just retrain yourself to say “hi”.  This is something I am personally working on.  Because in my opinion, if you ask you should care what the answer is.

You Conquered the Verbal Greeting.  To Hug or Not to Hug?

Do your best to read my body language.

Let me give you some hints on how to know the answer.

No Hug

• If I keep my cart between us, no hug. Don’t take it personally. The odds are I can’t remember the last day I showered.
• I have not acknowledged your verbal greeting. Either I don’t remember who you are or I don’t like you.  Again, do not take it personally. I have found that the combination of severe grief, the emotional roller coaster of the process, lack of sleep, and the Xanax are causing some memory issues. If it is because I don’t like you, you might want to ask yourself why, just saying.

Yes, On the Hug

• If None of the above happens, go for it. The two males in my family are not huggers.  I know they love me, but they don’t show it with hugs.  If you were at the service you know that Henry’s way of showing me involves a middle finger.  Hayley was my hugger. To get a hug from Henry, I either have to forcibly maul him; cry heavily or exchange it for goods or something of value.   It sounds something like this:  “Henry, hug me or I will not pick up blazing bagels tomorrow.”  Or “Henry, hug me or I will shut down the internet”.  So honestly I probably need a hug badly.

Appropriate Length and Strength of the Hug

• Let the grieving person control the strength of the hug.  I know you want to show me or that person you care, but losing a child physically hurts. Your entire body aches and everything is an effort. So, if this is a high pain day a bear hug may actually hurt me.  TIP:  For f$#k sake never ever give the “lift and hug”.  That gives a person a loss of control during a time where they have very little control.  My feet need to stay on the ground.   Speaking for myself, I can guarantee you would get a knee in the groin.
• How long to hug a grieving mother is complicated. To make this easier on everyone I have established a general rule of thumb.
  • One year that you have known my name equals two seconds. For those that don’t like math.  If you have known me by name for 3 years, you can hug me up to 6 seconds.

There  are exceptions to this rule.  If any of the following apply, hug away.

You can name all the pets in my home

We have spent the night under the same roof

You have heard me sing

You know have met my brother

We have gotten sloppy, I love you man drunk together

You have seen me dance

You provided my family with a meal

You attended Hayley’s memorial service; a long, hot and standing room only service has earned you a good hug.  P.S. tell me you were there, I really don’t know who was.

More Tips

Here is where the hug could go sideways. Sometimes a kind word or hug will open the floodgates. If this happens during your hug it is important that you do not panic.  A reminder these tips are for public situations. One or all of the following may happen.  Be prepared.

• I will recover, retreat quickly and find Kleenex or just use my hand or sleeve. Terrific, you are off the hook, just don’t shake hands.
• A grieving mother may extend the hug to hide, because we are self conscious or to wipe snot on your clothes. Either way just let it happen.
• Same scenario, the floodgates have opened. Do NOT push me away and run.  Be calm.  The grieving mother can smell panic.  Quietly ask me one of the following questions:
  • “Can I get you a Kleenex?”
  • “Would you like to sit down somewhere and talk?”

If these questions do not work I am not sure how to help you.  If it was me, I would grab the mother’s purse, leave the cart, and slowly take them to your car.  Two things will happen.  They will let you drive them home where they are no longer your problem or this will make them feel they are being kidnapped and it should snap them out of it.

So, in review, we have covered the greeting and the hug.  When in doubt let me make the first move.

If you still are uncertain or have forgotten the guidelines, just ask “Can I give you a hug?” or “Do you need a hug?”.  Remember your feelings are not the priority in this situation.

So you have successfully mastered the greeting and the hug.   If you have asked the question the first rule is to just listen.  I may say something like:

• “Well I am out of the house so that is an accomplishment”
• “I just really can’t think of an answer to that question
• “I am a broken mess, suffering unbearable pain and will never be happy again”
• “I am so angry this happened I just want to hit something” …( had to get a Sally Fields, Steel Magnolia reference in, sorry)…In this situation make a quick exit.

What should I Say?

• “I am so sorry” – simple and sincere, no further action needed. Possible second hug. Encounter done.
• “I am so sorry, is there anything I can do to help make it easier for you?” Careful, too open ended.  Only ask if you are prepared to follow thru on anything.
• “Can I help you finish your shopping? “Can I help load (Costco) these heavy things in your car?” these are great ways to show you care but not to have to deal with more in the future.
  • If they say no thank you, accept it.
  • If you are already in check out or heading that way. Just do it. Just walk out with them and load the shit in the car. Trust me we are exhausted. Everything is hard right now.
• “I really am sorry for your family, I hope you know I am here if you need anything, do you have my number?” Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.
  • Some simple examples of things you can do for the family:
    • Invite me for coffee
    • Make a meal for the family. It doesn’t have to be a full meal. Just drop off a snack or a treat.  But do not expect them to come to the door.  Just leave it with a note on their porch, text them and tell them you were by.
    • Walk their dog.
    • Offer rides for their other children.
    • Offer to take notes at school meetings so they don’t have to attend.
    • Is there anything you need picked up from your office?
    • Can I pick up prescriptions for you?

Anything that requires them to leave the house is hard right now.  A grieving  mother 99% of the time will initially say no.  Moms are supposed to do everything. When we can’t, we feel like failures. By being specific with your offers of help you are giving them a way to say “yes” guilt free.  I am telling you that the pain is so thick that when someone says “How can I help?”, I cannot think of anything!  But you know that can’t be the case.  Make suggestions.  If you still get a no, let it go for the moment, but follow up within 48 hours. Message, text or email only (we won’t answer the phone. Heck I didn’t answer when life was wonderful) keep it brief, I am glad I ran into you at _______________, my offer for help still stands let me know if you thought of anything I can do to make it easier for you.

I hope some of these tips help.

Finally, here is the number one rule, the golden one.

Do not ever judge the grieving mother.

For example, if I am out and about, or go to an activity, do not judge me.

You now people do it.  Here are some examples and my response.

1. “Wow, it has only been 3 weeks, I would still be laying on the floor crying?” NO, you don’t fucking know what you would do, until it happens to you.  I personally can be found crying on the floor a minimum of 6 times a day, but my other kid needs food.
2. “OMG there is that woman whose daughter died, how is she even standing, I could never come to a High School football scrimmage this soon”. I am trying to show my other child they are still important and I support their activity even though they may not know how to play their instrument, you are proud they are trying.  I would rather not be in a crowd while feeling like I have a sign on my back that says “Hey everyone, this is the one that just lost her daughter because of a simple surgery.”  But I will be there because I love my son.
3. “Did you see on Facebook, she went to a Seahawks game and was smiling? She met Doug Baldwin and pet the Hawk.  Wow, I wouldn’t be able to have fun this soon.”  That person may have needed to get out of the house before they hurt themselves.  The sky club tickets and field passes may have been gifts from two very caring women and you know what I am not going to hurt their feelings, plus I am willing to try anything to make this pain subside at all for 4 hours. But guess what the pain was still there, I cried when I met Dave Craig, scared him, but my daughter loved the Hawks, I did it for her.
4. “It has been 6 months, why is she still wearing her pajamas to Safeway?” Because I can and I don’t care.
5. “Can you believe she let her 19-year-old risk her life for a breast reduction?” FUCK YOU. You know who you are.

In conclusion:

Be Kind.

Do Not Judge.

Be a Friend.

Be Thoughtful.

Be Thankful that you are not me.

Yours Truly,

The Rule Maker aka Hayley’s Mom