This past 8 weeks has felt like an emotional tornado. I have had constant twists and turns with several touch downs. It started with two of Hayley’s organ recipients reaching out the first week of the month; her heart and a kidney. Both were exciting and happy contacts but so emotional. Then it was on to Spring Break and Easter. A time she should have been home sleeping in her own bed. We then moved to the eye of the storm, her birthday on the 29th of April, her 20th. We spent time in Seabrook on the Washington Coast with friends and family to celebrate her day. On her birthday I came down with a sudden onset of bronchitis that I am still recovering from. The next weekend on the 6th was the exciting event of meeting Hayley’s heart recipient in person. Elena and I made a brave decision to let my friend, Marni, from Fox News film the moment. This had so many layers of emotions. Then my baby boy turned 16 on the 8th and drove away from the nest that morning on his own. Then we had mother’s day. This day included highs and lows. The 15th Hayley’s and my story were shared with the world when the piece was aired on the local news. Marni did such a beautiful job with the story that there was ugly crying all over the Pacific Northwest and in multiple states. This brought on a flood of positive yet emotional messages and responses. This was the point that we reached a category 5. The tornado is still touching down and is predicted to last several more weeks.
One of the best descriptions I saw from an observant friend was that I was in an emotional blender. It has been on puree for so many weeks it feels like the new normal. Add on top of the storm we have been doing a full bathroom remodel for 7 weeks. We gutted it 7 weeks ago expecting to find major water damage from leaks we had neglected to deal with, since we kind of had other things kicking our butts. Only to find minimal damage. I was the designer and the general contractor. I can’t really complain because we were lucky that our builders are friends. I even had an expert friend who knows tile help me pick out the perfect choices, something that was really stressing me out and I talked about in another post. The bathroom is 95% done and all I can say is Thank God I don’t have to share Henry’s tiny nasty teenage boy bathroom with him and Scott any more. I have a beautiful shower with three different water fixtures. I am in mermaid heaven. It is my coastal retreat and I underestimated how much it would calm me to have it finished. I hope that the rest of the final touches will be done in the next week. I am so thankful to the friends that worked on it and I know made it financially possible for us to get it done. Thank you, you know who you are. If you need a bathroom, I know the guy for that.
On top of the remodel and emotional tornado touch downs, I injured my arm the Friday of mother’s day weekend. I was working on a project and picked up materials that included heavy glass pieces. Did I wait to make multiple trips? Would wonder woman make multiple trips? Hell no. I lined those bags on my left arm, grabbed a box in the right and up the driveway I went immediately regretting my decision but committed. The next morning I woke up to find out what a torn or pulled muscle near your elbow feels like. I can’t even scratch my nose with that arm. Add to it all the fact that Henry and Scott got me an awesome gift, an inflatable stand up paddle board and I can’t paddle right now, it is really pissing me off. It seems like when I make progress, like wanting to get out and exercise and paddle, something knocks me back. Yes I am 100% whining in this post and totally feeling sorry for myself. It even hurts to type.
So my cat 5 tornado is starting to wind down just in time to for the next storm. We will call the first storm Abercrombie because those models are all skinny bitches. The next storm coming I think I will call Bertha. Bertha is a heavy and life altering storm.
Disclaimer: I am sharing this news because I promised myself to be truthful, raw and authentic on this blog. If you have positive comments, terrific. If you have negative ones, I don’t want to hear it. My decision is made and was made with a lot of thought and a lot of research. I don’t need any additional negativity. Keep that shit to yourself.
I have never thought of myself as a fat girl. When I graduated high school I weighed about 118 at 5’8, I needed to eat a burger. College I filled out in all ways but was still at the right weight for my height. As pregnancies happened I was a little more than I should be, but still felt comfortable in my clothes. In 2009, to prep for my 20 year High School Reunion I began running 5ks and working on my overall health. That all ended in cardiac arrest and heart surgery for a pacemaker in October. From that year on, the weight began to creep up. Many of you women can guess what happened in 2001, I turned 40 and my metabolism came to a screeching halt. In fact I think it left skid marks in the culdesac in front of my house. I broke my ankle, had surgery in 2012 that was a big fail and the weight went up a little more. I also started a demanding job that had me driving sometimes up to 200 miles a day with goals that had me working every evening and most weekends. Drive thru windows were my bitches. 10 pounds a year and the job ended the summer of 2017. Then like a freight train that is baring down on you, I lost Hayley. I went on many medications, one fun one, caused a 32 pound weight gain in 6 weeks. That was painful.
This very detailed history is important to understand how I ended up at 255 pounds in January of this year. I met with a bariatric doctor. It became quickly clear that I was a good candidate for bariatric intervention in the form of surgery. In addition to the weight I have 3 of the 4 health issues that are primarily weight driven. High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol, and Sleep Apnea. Add in my heart issues and my family history of heart failure and obesity, winner! My insurance would pay for the procedure 100%. I brought my most level headed friend with me to the first meeting. I knew she would tell me straight up what was a good idea and what wasn’t. Both of us agreed that this was a reasonable treatment plan for my situation. I am doing this for my health not my appearance. If you see me at all you know I don’t care about that at all, I only care about missing Hayley. But this decision is about being here for Henry. Being healthy for Henry and myself.
I have been working my way through the very difficult process to get to a surgery date. I have met and been examined by 7 different physicians. I have had to seek approval from 4 different mental health professionals. I have spent hours with dietitians (who by the way are all super skinny and really annoyingly cheerful). My grief has been an obstacle. Both Scott and Henry are 100% supportive and have promised to support me and join me with our new lifestyle changes. I know that this will be the 2nd hardest thing I will face in my life. But I am confident and excited about it. I plan to blog about my journey. I won’t hold back and I won’t sugar coat it.
Today was my pre-op training classes. I met with the physicians assistant that will handle my care pre and post surgery. He was awesome. He knew my concerns before I even had a chance to voice them. Then myself and 5 other patients spent two hours with a psychologist and a dietician going over every single requirement. It was overwhelming but really helpful to not be alone. The first 5 weeks will be the toughest. I have tons of support from family and friends that will be there for me in this journey. Tornado Bertha will be touching down on May 31st. June will be painful and stressful but I know that if I am strong enough to put my grief on display to thousands of strangers to further a cause, I can make it through a liquid only diet with out hurting anyone.
On Mother’s day I was lucky to go to the Pink concert with some wonderful women. There were several Hayley triggers, the dancing was beautiful and she would have loved it. But the new trigger was something that I will remember when the transition after surgery gets tough. This gal came down our aisle and needed us to stand so she could get out. I went to stand only to find myself coming to a halt midway up. With a feeling of horror in my chest I realized that my ass and hips were stuck between the cupholders on the arms of my seat. I could not stand. I sat back down only to win me a wtf look from miss small bladder. I had to turn sideways in my seat to haul my ass up. Never had I had such an obvious fat girl moment. Today in class we had to go around and introduce ourselves and share one thing that we are looking forward to after surgery. One gal said only using my own seat on an airplane. Another said jumping from an airplane. (no thanks) I said that I am looking forward to having no sleep apnea and not being tired all day. But what I really wanted to say was “I am looking forward to not getting my fucking ass stuck in the seats at the Justin Timberlake concert next November”.