I am hungry. Not traditional stomach grumbling hungry, but mentally I feel like I need a donut. Yes, that means I had my weight loss surgery a week ago. I did not make the decision lightly. I made a choice to do something to improve my many health issues so I can be a strong Mom for Henry. But I would work for donuts. I am so obsessed with the fact I can only have liquids right now. It is making me anxious! The surgery was tough. I landed an extra night in the hospital due to issues with pain and low blood pressure. I came home Saturday. I am very uncomfortable. I also got dehydrated. I didn’t keep up with my liquids and ended up in worse condition than I started. Fail. But the doctor ordered this amazing thing for me. It is called a banana bag. (not to be confused with a banana hammock) I go to a infusion center where for 2 hours I get fluids and vitamins and for a short time after feel so much better. What I am learning so far is that this process is 90% mental and 10% physical. I understand why they were concerned about my mental and emotional strength. It took 2 extra months of visiting with psychologists to get my final approval. I now get it.
Being physically weak this past week has made it really difficult to control my grief. It creeps in between the cracks. I miss her so desperately that I am paralyzed by the anxiety. So many memories of graduation this month, her last major life milestone. She would be finish her Sophomore year of college and should be coming home this week. My brain can literally not wrap itself around the fact that she is not coming home. Maybe it is not strength that has kept me standing but denial. My anxiety is ratcheting up as we approach July. July 4th our last family outing. July 11th, her surgery. July 18th, I watched her die. July 20th, the date on her death certificate. July 23rd, the day they took her from us and she saved the lives of several people. Which date is the “anniversary”? I can’t pick just one so it is going to be two weeks of hell. Maybe the timing of this surgery was not the smartest but was my only option with insurance.
Henry was talking to me the other day and I just paused and checked out. How was it possible that she wasn’t here to hear his story. How is he now an only child? How is it possible that someone so important to my breathing was just gone. Gone. We were a family of four. How can I say we are not. It was two and two. Even. We are now off balance. How do I make a table work with only three legs. It is possible, you can make the table stay up. You have to shift the legs to different positions. It will stand but it won’t be as strong. I feel like a wobbly table. Like the annoying one at the restaurant that no matter how many folded napkins you put under the leg it still moves.
Which makes me think of food. My thoughts are just like this. They bounce around from being hungry, to thinking of food, to pain, to sadness, to Hayley, to oh no it’s time for Scott to give me my blood thinner shot. Yes, Scott has to inject me in the stomach every evening. What is scary is I think he likes doing it.
I am not sure that this is very informative, entertaining, or even organized. But I needed to write again and see if it helps. I also need to thank my friends Sara and Terri. Terri spent the last 4 days of her life babysitting, driving me to doctor’s appointments and cooking for my family. Sara took over the job today, watching Sixteen Candles with me and taking me to my infusion. So here I am with my incisions and smaller stomach. Will this help with my grief. No. But I feel that I am doing something for the future. As of today I am down 25 pounds from my highest weight. My goal is 105 pounds. So nearly 25% there, that feels good. I can only hope I sleep tonight and wake up feeling a little better. I hope that my dreams are not about donuts (again) tonight. Good Night.