Well it is finally here. The kick off day to the worst dates of my life. July 11th. I fucking hate this date. I know it is just a date. I know that it is a different day. But that date was so exciting last year. Hayley was so happy about that date, the surgery date. One year ago this morning was the last time she smiled. It was the last time she was whole. When she woke from surgery the hell began. We entered that doctor’s office with a child that was excited about her future and we left with a child in pain and ill. By the end of that day she was in the hospital. The hospital of incompetence. I am so pissed about July 11th. Why did I let her do the surgery? I want a do over. I want my old life back. I can’t handle this new one.
I feel angry but only in my head, the rest of my body feels numb. I feel like if I don’t move today I won’t rattle the awful feelings this date dredges up. I wonder if her surgeon and the anesthesiologist remember today. Have they moved on, hundreds of other patients. Do they know today is the day? The day that started our 12 days of hell, regret, pain, and helplessness.
I hope I can feel numb all day today. I know the worst is coming. The day I watched her die (18th), the date hope was gone and the date on her death certificate (20th) and the date that she left us to save others (23rd). I hope that on the 24th I can celebrate the lives she saved that day without anger and regret.
I am lucky to be going to our friend’s house in Hood Canal on Saturday for the week. I hope that I can find peace and relaxation there. At a minimum I will have different scenery and maybe that will be enough.
Fucking July 11th.
Oh Dawn…I was thinking about you last night…knowing the worst remembrance days were on their way… I know it’s not much…but you are in my thoughts and prayers…especially this month… I am so mad and sad that you even have to be going through all this…it’s just not right or fair or anything…and I cannot even fathom… Love and hugs to you, Scott and Henry…