Merry? Happy?

The Season has been looming all around me for weeks now. I started off strong. I put up our traditional decorations Thanksgiving weekend. Last year some wonderful women came and decorated my house. I couldn’t touch our decorations so we bought new and I had a coastal theme. This year I got the ornaments out. It was way more difficult than I expected. Each year I would buy an ornament for each kid. Something that represented what they were like or into that year. So many memories. Also, when we travel we always got an ornament. So our tree basically has memories vomited all over it. I got about three quarters of the way done and couldn’t touch another ornament. But both trees are up and look nice. They have fences around them to keep Finn from eating any of those memories. Scott and I decided we would go for it and put the lights up outside this year. While he got them ready I wrapped the trunks of both the kid’s trees. When each were little we planted a tree in their honor. Both have twinkling lights on them. When I was done I went to offer Scott my help. He stood there. Looked at me, looked at the lights, “I am not feeling it”. So no house lights. I did put our traditional wreath above the garage and new homemade ones on the doors. I was almost manic in my decorating. I had to get it up as fast as possible and not really think too much of it. Henry doesn’t say but I can tell he likes the house all decked out like a normal Christmas. But there is nothing normal about it.

The second year has been much harder than the first. I don’t know why. Could be several reasons. Last year there were lots of people around. Invites to coffee, lunch, and outings. People in the house decorating. People saying “I won’t stop asking you”, but they did. This year not so much. People have their own lives to live. The Sad Mom is not exactly a party upper. So no parties. Less invites. The messages are there, the support is just quieter. Maybe it is that the shock has warned off. Or that we have had more time to miss her. It has now been 16 months that I have been away from her. To go from her near constant presence to nothing is beyond tolerable.

I asked a friend who lost a daughter young what it felt like. She would always answer “it is a slow walk through Hell”. She nailed it. It is an excruciating slow walk. When Scott gets home from work around 5ish, one of us will ask the other how early can we reasonably go to bed. We are always in bed by 8:00 and sometimes we are there by 7:00. The quicker sleep comes the better. Laying down relieves some of the constant tension you live with. I used to never be in bed before 11. I don’t always fall asleep until late but I am in bed.

I now know what a trigger is. I have had so many that have really caused my PTSD to flare up. This is impacting my sleep. A trigger can be anything. For me it was having to relive each moment leading to Hayley’s death when trying to get answers from a neurosurgeon recently. I need to understand what happened. A trigger can be a common phrase. It is a place and a smell. At least 20 times over the years I sat at a table under the stairs at Eastlake High selling Senior gear or AHA event shirts. Always Hayley would join me and sit right next to me. She would hug me. Her friends were all happy to see me. She actually seemed proud and pleased that I was her mom. One year she worked the student store and we would have several hours together in that spot. I spent two days for a couple of hours each doing that exact same thing last week. The carpet is the same, the smell is the same, I could see the student store and I expected her to walk out and join me. There were no girls coming to visit me and calling me “momma Dawn”. It was too much. I saw two people that I personally hold responsible for the reasons Hayley wanted to have surgery. Two adults that didn’t protect her. My blood boiled. I saw the school resource officer and thanked him for coming to the hospital to say goodbye to Hayley, she adored him.

I had my Christmas Shopping done very early. Boys are pretty simple to shop for. But girls are more fun to shop for. I saw so many things I know she would have liked. No matter what I bought her she always made me feel like each one was the best present she had ever received. She was such a grateful child. She was the shopper for my presents. I had a difficult trigger recently at the mall. I waited for my friend to do some Victoria Secret Shopping for her girls. I had no one to shop for this year at that store. I always got her underwear for Christmas, it was tradition. So I stood outside the store with all of the fathers and husbands waiting for their person. My person is gone. And Scott and Henry’s underwear got ordered online.

Just like Thanksgiving it will be an odd number at the table for Christmas, three. Like Thanksgiving the food will be good because I didn’t cook it. Thank you honey baked ham and Met market. I enjoy gift giving. I love finding the perfect gift. I like to find things that were not on wish lists but when opened they realize it should have been on their list. Packages were mailed. Dogs gifts are wrapped. Presents are wrapped. The stockings are up, all of them. Hayley’s stocking has an embroidered angel on it. The irony is not lost on me. Above the stockings on the mantel sits a beautiful blue urn. Inside is what I have left. It’s not enough.