Calm is a Four Letter Word

Every day is hard, sometimes the evenings and bedtime are extremely hard. I decided to try something new. I downloaded an app called “calm”. Insert snort laugh here. It is a guided meditation app with sleep stories and guided relaxation. I decided to go for the guided relaxation. I figured by the time it was done the tylenol PM would kick in. Here is how it went.

“Lay back, be comfortable. Focus on your breath.” Fine. “focus on your forehead, is it wrinkled, relax away the wrinkles” Bitch I am 48 of course there are wrinkles. Ok, Dawn, clear your mind, stop talking to yourself. “smile slightly to help relax your cheeks” Scott is going to come in and think I have a creepy look on my face. “focus on your breath” You said that. “focus and circle your torso, your digestive system” Damnit why did I eat that apple fritter; gawd I hope the prilosec kicks in soon. “Circle your hip and glutes” Gawd if I lose any more weight in my butt, it is going to be flat. Gawd my mom has a flat butt and she always complains about it. Am I going to have a mom butt? “feel your limbs getting heavy. all the way to your toes” Shit my feet are so dry, should I pause this and get some lotion. But would I put socks on, you know your ankle swells when you wear socks but your feet will be softer. Oops, where is she. Oh my hands. My hands are dry too. What is up with that? Maybe I should get some water. No I already have to pee. “stretch each finger one at a time” I have a finger for this chick.

So you can say the self guided mindfulness was a big fail. Next I tried a “sleep story”. Made it about 2 minutes into that and couldn’t do it. The voice was too calm. It made me aware of how tense I am. That is what grief does. I am always tense. I feel if I relax a little or let my guard down the flood gates will open. Someone sent me a really good explanation of grief. Picture a box, with a ball inside it almost filling the box. Inside the box is a pain button. As the ball moves around it hits the pain button a lot. It takes your breath away. As time goes on the ball may get smaller and it may start to hit the pain button less and less. This image really resonated with me except my box is lined with spikes on all four sides. If my ball rolls to the right or left or up or down the spikes puncture the ball, leaving scrapes and scars. I have to constantly keep the ball in the center of the box. That is my battle, keep the ball from moving, don’t jostle the ball in my chest. Sometimes it is just a quick shift and I can tell myself to stop. Other times the ball gets lodged in those thorny spikes and the only thing that will loosen them is a good cry. Life is changing for me. I have to go back to my work full time. I am currently job hunting so it is even more important to keep the ball centered. Maybe having the normalcy of work will help. It will make the days go by faster.

I am going to try another guided relaxation exercise. My goal is to not have an inner dialogue. My fear is that calm is a four letter world. Is being calm letting my guard down, will my ball roll?