Hold My Beer

I have not been writing not because I have nothing to say but because I have too much to say.  Today was one of my hardest days.  The most frustrating part is that there is not a particular reason.  It is not one of those “dates” we have to get past.  Maybe because it was one of the only days this week I didn’t have a lot scheduled.  Except actually I did, but I forgot to put the car detail appointment on my calendar.  So in spite of that, I felt like I could just do nothing today and as soon as I let that sink in, the pain and sadness was overwhelming.  I keep thinking I have had the worst days, that I have felt all of the feelings possible about losing my daughter, my person.  I am wrong every time.  I thought so many things in the past were also the worst.  Just in the last year I thought Hayley going to college and the dog dying the next day was the absolute worst.  I thought watching a friend die and watching her sister, mother, nieces and others grieve the loss of such a super funny and charismatic person was the worst.  Stacie lit up a room even on her bad days.  I think about my physical struggles this past winter with my Fibromyalgia and Heart issues and how that impacted my job. I thought that was the worst.  Then when I was unjustly fired in April, I thought for sure that was the worst experience ever.  I was wrong.

It was like the universe heard me, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and said “Really, Hold my beer.”.  When I think I have had the worst day.  “Really, Hold my beer”.

I miss Hayley every second of every day.  She was my heart and my soul.  As a daughter she provided the love I needed in a way that I could never expect from Henry.  Henry gives me just as much love and I adore him in a fierce momma bear way that drives the poor teenager insane.  I don’t expect him to ever replace Hayley.  It was the way she was built.  She held nothing back.  Not even when we wish she had.  She was loving, stronger than she knew, funny, real, kind and also not perfect.  She could be a really big Bitch.  She picked on her brother more times than I can count.  As she matured she would do or say something that made her an actual asshole.  But what was different this last couple of years was, first it happen less often and second because she was always willing to apologize.  Sometimes it was done in a sarcastic way, but you could never stay mad at her long.  She was so empathetic.  I think that is one of the reasons she liked reality TV shows.  She seem to always find a way to relate to the people that shared (or staged) their lives for us to watch.  A news story could bring her to tears and she would want and expect me to be able to find out how that person was doing weeks later.  She loved to watch videos of soldiers reuniting with their families.  Over and Over.  She cried every single time.  I would ask her why do you do that to yourself, she would say because it feels good.  She always chose quality over quantity when it came to friendships.  She didn’t care to be popular she wanted to be real.  She honestly told me she was too lazy to have tons of friends and that it was easier to just pick  a strong dozen that you could count on, that way it wouldn’t cut into her TV and sleep time.  She also didn’t discriminate when it came to friendships.  She didn’t need them to be her age or her gender.  She loved to hang out with me and Tamese.  She had a solid relationship with her teacher and friend Meghan.  It didn’t matter that we were all older and in positions of authority to her, we were her friends too.  She was in Meghan’s classroom the first day home in June to say hi.  She had been up to something in Meghan’s office.  When Meghan came back to set up her classroom in August for the new school year, she unpacked a small square framed chalkboard.  On it was a note.  “I fricken love Meghan Delaney so much! – Hayley”  Hayley strikes again.  I was actually surprised it didn’t say “fucking” but, see, I think there was some more thoughtful behavior happening after a year at college.

She made those lucky chosen people feel special and loved by her.  Even when she was annoying us she was still Hayley and it was okay.  What I have learned about my daughter over the last 10 weeks is that she had the uncanny ability to meet people where they needed.  She didn’t treat everyone she loved the same.  She was able to adapt to what was comfortable for them.  For example, her Dad is not much of a talker.  He is not interested in sitting and watching TV and talking for hours like we did.  He didn’t view chores and errands as fun.  Trust me if you have to go to the store, Costco, Target, Ulta, etc why does it have to be a chore.  Most of the time it is something you just have to do.  The household needs milk and toilet paper.  But for her and I it could be fun.  That Target dollar section is not going to clear itself out.  It was tradition to find displays involving initials and rearranging them on the shelf.  If you saw things like “Suck it” or “asshat” spelled out on the shelves of Target or Michaels it was probably us.  Sorry.  That last week in June we thought were trying to write messages on those mermaid pillows.  They are made out of double sided sequins of different colors, so when you swipe or in our case use your finger as a “pen”, it will create a swipe of opposite color or as we hoped, words.  Every single time we approached the display and would start with the letter F, a sales clerk would come over and ask if we needed help finding something.  I swear we circled the store and shopped shower curtains for a half of an hour waiting for our chance but that girl was always hovering around the mermaid pillows.  Clearly our idea was not original and she had designated herself the fun police.  I should probably go make that happen in Hayley’s honor.  But if Hayley and I went together and often with my friend and her daughter, it wasn’t a chore, it was an outing.  I wish I could take back all the times I cringed when she tagged along because I thought she should go play with people her own age or that I was a crutch from keeping her from being more social.  Every minute I spent with her is now treasured, it is all I have.  There will be no more errands that are outings.  They are all chores now.  Trust me Scott and Henry don’t appreciate the therapeutic value of the dollar section or a leisurely stroll around Homegoods hoping to find just the right treasure.  Some times she drove me bonkers.  Usually when she realized that she made a mistake coming with us and wanted to go home.  On those days she would follow me around like a negative cloud of mojo.  She would whine, how much longer, I want to go home, just like a sleepy toddler.  At Homegoods or Target she would be literally right on my heels breathing down my neck.  I would get so annoyed.  I would tell her to go find and bug Tamese.  Stop invading my space!  I went to Marshalls today to find some fatter clothes to wear to a wedding and of course I felt the pull of a quick run up the aisles in Homegoods.  That is something I could do for hours.  I didn’t even need to buy anything, it was the hunt and imagining of ideas.  Most of the time if I did buy anything it was for Hayley.  I felt coldness behind me without her on my heels.  Today it was absolutely awful.  It was not relaxing.  There was not that boost in serotonin I was used to feeling.  It was torturous.  I saw things everywhere that reminded me of Hayley.  Even if I saw something I liked, the first thought was would she like it.  If I brought home a purchase from this place, I always wanted to show her first.  Because trust me Scott and Henry could give two shits about my new collection of ceramic pigs with wings.  The week before her surgery when we were remodeling her bedroom we found the perfect framed sign at Homegoods.  It was vintage barn looking with metal letters, “HOME”.  It was hung over her bed.  Home was her favorite spot.

Today I told the men in my house that they had to go to the men’s store and get new pants and shirts to wear to the wedding this weekend.  I have no idea what I am going to wear but at least they will look sharp.  Henry whined because he would rather do anything else than shop.  He actually complained and questioned why he couldn’t just wear his suit from homecoming a year ago.  Wait, wasn’t he there two weeks ago at the doctor’s office when they said he had grown 4 inches in a year.  I said they won’t fit you.  He text back I haven’t even tried them on.  I then had to explain to him what happens when you grow 4 inches but the pants don’t.  Had he not seen images of the character Urkel? He might even be willing to eat bugs than to go shopping with me.  I decided to spare them both and just stay on the Plateau, go to Joseph A. Banks.  I had no energy for a mall.  This was done shortly before my failed Marshals/Homegoods trip.

We met Scott there as he had just had the pleasure (sarcasm) of spending another day in the hospital nearby dealing with his Mom and getting her home to assisted living which meant interaction with his Father.  (These relationships are a whole entire blog of their own)  I walked in and told the sharp dressed salesman that I needed pants for my son and my husband.  He asked me all kinds of questions about sizing and style and jackets and hems and omfg are you kidding me.   When he asked me Henry’s shirt size I said ” well in Van’s Clothes, a Large”.  I think he thought I was trying to be funny, I wasn’t.  I had them both in there, in the dressing room, pants marked to hem, a shirt each and new socks in under 15 minutes.  You’re welcome boys.  If Hayley had been with us, she would have made Henry smile.  She would have rolled her eyes at the plain gray shirt he chose and forced him be more fashion forward all while totally owning her baggy sweatpants and t-shirt look.  Scott would have asked her to pick out a shirt for him and he would have purchased the pink socks with Frenchie dogs on them just because she loved Frenchies.  Instead he thought the dogs looked like Xbox controllers.

She met Scott at his comfort level.  She watched TV with him and made fun of his choice of Ancient Aliens.  They never got tired of watching Harry Potter marathons for hours.  So many times.  I would say to them I bought you guys these on DVD, you know you can watch them without commercials.  I now look back and realize that it was just better and natural to watch the TV versions.  A set of commercials is just about the right length of time for a Scott conversation.  I am sure that many of their chats over the years took place in 90 second intervals.  I am so thankful that the two of them shared a day at Harry Potter land at Universal last April for her Birthday and Graduation.

I love to eat out.  I hate to cook.  I like the feeling that everyone is there in one place, no leaving until I pay the check so you are stuck having family time.  Scott hates it.  He reluctantly says yes about every 5 asks.  But Hayley had it figured out.  Often the way to get him to go out to eat was to suggest we go to the local Mexican restaurant.  He loves Mexican food.  Usually Henry and I ended up with upset stomachs, so we were happy for that to become their thing.  Daddy and Daughter dinners were at Mexican.  That was their time.  Henry and I happily stayed home with our gastrointestinal systems in tact. Scott refuses to step into that restaurant now.

Hayley would chauffeur Henry, that was their time to catch up.  At the start of the summer it was going to the grocery store together as they often complained I was trying to starve them.  She would let him drive with his permit even though she was not of supervising age.  They blasted dirty rap.  They thought they were so bad.  I knew.  They always came back talking and laughing.  Often fighting over which ice cream belonged to who.  But you see that was how she met Henry in his place.  She was not much into gaming or computers.  But she knew Henry loved a good unsupervised grocery store trip with my debit card.

I am sure her friends can think of ways that she did this with them.  I honestly don’t think she did it purposefully.  It was just who she was and remember she did not waste good TV time and sleep on too many people.

These are only a few of the reasons I am so sad all of the time.  Today was bone deep sadness.  The remarkable honor glassybaby bestowed on her with a votive named after her and chosen by us is winding down this week.  Monday there was an after hours event for friends to come pick up their hayleys and shop to benefit the organ procurement organization for our state.  On this same Monday a classmate of hers lost his battle with cancer, Las Vegas had a massacre and Tom Petty died.  I don’t put Tom Petty up there with Vegas or Ben’s death, but it was my brother’s first concert and many friends recently saw him in Seattle so I figured it deserved an honorable mention.  We thought about cancelling something fun on such a sad day, but I am glad we went on.  It was truly a store full of love and beauty.  Beautiful glass, beautiful women and just everyone being truly nice and enjoying each other’s company.  3 men and Scott even braved the conditions.  It felt a little like another memorial service for Hayley hosted by all the Moms.  Everyone wanted to talk to me.  There were girlfriends from High School, my HS boyfriend’s sister was there, and some people that I didn’t even recognize.  I was so exhausted.  I felt like I had ran miles.  Women that said they were not going to come, they just didn’t feel well, they ended up coming.  I think they were glad they did.  Some had puffy eyes like mine from crying for Ben, Hayley and strangers killed by a madman.  The store and the displays to honor Hayley were gorgeous.  I was truly surrounded by love.  But that afterglow only lasts so long.  I go days without having any important or deep conversations or connections with anyone.  People have almost stopped asking me to go to coffee or out with them.  So talking for two hours straight was mentally exhausting.  It was like I could feel all of the love people were sending me but I couldn’t keep it for the rest of the week.  It was fleeting.  That is what happens.  There is something that brings me out of my shell of misery for a chunk of time and then I am done.  I am almost more sad when it ends.  I used to have unlimited conversation and energy to give to others.  Now I have only enough to keep breathing.  So when I give it away it takes days to recover.

Under the Friday night lights is where I watched Hayley follow in my pom poms and dance at halftime and do fun teenage things.  Her Senior year that pleasure was stolen from our family.  Now that Henry is in Marching Band we are back.  I have only been to one game and it was utterly devastating.  I am going to need several doses of Friday Night Lights before it becomes more about Henry and less about Hayley.  Tonight the school is honoring Ben and Hayley at the start of the big community game, Skyline vs Eastlake.  This will follow our weekly counseling session.  I think it is going to be raw.  Henry does not want the attention.  I want everyone to remember her.  The more opportunities the better as far as I am concerned.  This may be selfish, but it is how I feel.  There won’t be time to recover Saturday, Salmon Days Parade and a wedding.  Sunday we have to clean out the in-laws sold house up North in Burlington in one day.  The one thing I am learning from this tragedy is how to ask for help.  Before, I couldn’t do it.  Now I know I can’t do without the help.  I sent an SOS to help us Sunday and I know we will be able to get it done.  I know it will be a great relief for Scott when that hurdle has been reached.

So I am going to take back what I said.  This is not the worst day.  This won’t be the worst weekend.  Mother Nature please send that memo to the Universe.  Because if he says again, “Really, Hold my beer.”; I will drink it.