To Be or Not To Be

I think this will be a lighter entry.  Today was hard.  Duh, they are all hard, but some are just harder.  It seems unfair because so far none are easier but so many are harder.  Totally off balance.  I know I have talked about the “Be”, but I want to revisit it and share a recent peek into my personality and behavior.  Knowing me, you know Hayley.

In our kitchen we have Family Rules; Be thankful. Be kind. Be Funny. Etc.  This past Spring around the time of Hayley’s 19th birthday we started talking about tattoos.  She had met the all of the requirements for me to support a tattoo and keep her Dad from totally losing his shit.  She had to want the same tattoo for 3 years.  She had to have some college under her belt.  She had to be doing well in her classes.  She still wanted my heart rhythm on her wrist.  She kept asking me to get a print out and I kept “forgetting”.  I am not sure why I didn’t want her to do it.  I think I was uncomfortable with that amount of love being directed at me.  We talked about doing matching tattoos, a very small one.  I don’t have any and I am a big wimp.  We started Pinterest Boards.  We were looking at a minimalist wave.  We both loved the water, any body of water.   She asked me what phrase I would use to represent what I wanted to accomplish.  I said I would do “Be Present”.  Having just lost my job I had realized how little time I was present.  There was the next school to get to, the next goal to meet, the emails to return, the work that had to be done late into the evening.  I was not present for my kids.  I was there, always there, but not truly present.  She said you always say Be like the sign in the kitchen.  You usually end calls or talks with “Be Something”.  Be good, Be nice to your brother, Be on time, Be strong, Be confident…it was always a “Be” she said or “make good choices”.  So we talked about a tattoo on our wrists “Be…”.

The two weeks after we came home without her and before the service I was manic.  I was in a fog, numb and needed to be doing.  But then just as fast as I was busy I was sleeping.  I wanted her death to “be” meaningful.  I was learning more about how extraordinary her gifts to total strangers were.  I read the statistics.  I saw how many people die in our country every day waiting for an organ transplant.  I thought why can’t more people be like Hayley.  Bingo!  That was it hashtag (in my head I still call it a pound sign) be like Hayley was born.  Bracelets, we need them for the service.  I researched and reached out to a great company, they gave me such great service and made sure we got them on time.

She was so much more than just her donations.  I was starting to hear from people, many I didn’t know, about how she had touched their lives.  I knew the target market for organ donation awareness is teenagers.  Once someone checks “yes” on their first license they rarely will go back and change it to a no.  But I had worked with teens for the past five years, I have studied them.  Teenagers are about how does this impact me, what is my role, and they want a cause.  I had this idea of an awareness campaign, a foundation, and a movement.  It is a long term goal but I was totally obsessed with at least starting off prepared.  I used #belikehayley on the bracelets.  To engage teens and adults, I chose some of Hayley’s strongest qualities.  Be Kind, Be Funny, Be Real.  The next batch will probably say Be an organ donor.  I purchased the domain for Be Like Hayley.  I snagged the Instagram, Facebook, Gmail and Twitter for be like Hayley.  I needed to be prepared for when I was strong enough to move forward with these ideas.  It gave me a sense of purpose those weeks.  I was so proud of who she was and what she accomplished.  The bracelets were my tattoo, the reminders of what I needed to be.  Scott loved the bracelets and he never takes his off.  This made me feel really good.  He is the introvert in this relationship.  People know me.  He had a spectacular relationship with Hayley but bottom line she was all about Mom.  What makes him amazing is that he didn’t mind.  He had his Hayley time that did not include me.  It was all good.  So here is an example of a typical Dawn experience.  I hope that any tears today reading this post will be from giggling too hard.

The week prior to bringing Puppy Finn (@belikefinnthegolden on Instagram) home I had so much fun shopping for him.  I loved picking up little things for the kids.  I know Henry appreciates these little gifts in his own quiet 15 year old boy way.  But Hayley was always so thankful even if it just happen to be paperclips that matched her colors in her dorm bedding.  So I shopped for “the Puppy”, Scott had not told us the name yet.  To negotiate a yes, he got to pick the name.  I ordered some items off Amazon.  I asked the breeder what kind of food he was eating and picked that up at Mud Bay in addition to harness, treats, toys and balls!  I hope he likes tennis balls, our other dogs never would fetch.  Henry would love to have a dog that would fetch.  Just one that liked a few tosses here and there.  Not like my Brother’s dog that could fetch until he passed out from fatigue.

I went to Homegoods.  I finally had a reason!  They have several aisles of pet items.  I picked out a very cute basket made of rope, so he could chew that too.  More toys to go in the basket.  YES!  There is the  matching food container to the one we already had.  I could make labels!  “Adult Dog Food”  “Puppy Dog Food”  I can be easily entertained.  I got him a blanket.  I smiled.  Hayley had a blanket fetish.  I have to say I also participated in this hobby.  We were at the point where we would have to sneak them in so we didn’t get the lecture from Scott.  “For every new blanket you have to get rid of two old ones”.  She loved her blankets.  I want to point out that he enjoys using them right now, like a hug from her.  She had snuck one in right before surgery. She needed a recovery blanket, she said.  It was on her when she was in the hospital.  My thoughts wandered and tears threatened.  That is when I saw gates.  Several panels that would stand up for large openings.  Most of them were wood.  Puppy would love to chew on that and then he will knock it over.  But there was two of the same, pretty metal within the wood frames.  It would be pretty in the family room.  But did we really need it? Would it be long enough?  I will go home and measure and come back if it will work, I will not go overboard (um too late Dawn) and wait.

Second day of chasing the Puppy.  OMG, we need to do something.  I just want to stay in the family room and play with the puppy while I watched CNN.  I need to block that opening!  The sectional couch takes care of the other exit.  I need that gate.  Why didn’t I just buy it?  I know it is like Costco, you buy it when you see it cause every time it will be gone when you go back.  I picked Henry up from school.  I put him on  puppy duty and said I would be back in less than an hour.  Hardly.

I was in my usual uniform of sweats and pony tail.  No make up, why bother it runs down your face when you cry.  I don’t think I had showered, I was uncertain if I brushed my teeth, and I was sweating like a waterfall!  I find the emotions and grief really wreck havoc with my hormones.  So I strode in with a purpose.  I was so excited, for the first time in days I could sit in my recliner and not have to get up for like a whole 15 minutes!  I grabbed a cart and headed towards the gates.  This is where it starts.

There was my gate leaning up against the shelf.  Phew one is still there.  Hold up honey!  There squatted on the ground was a woman looking at the other gates while she had a deep discussion with clearly her Bestie.  My gate was at least 12 inches away from her.  It was not in a cart and no one had there hand on it.  This is where I should have been smart and fast.  I should have grabbed it, throw it in my cart and race to the check out.  But noooooooo.  I had to “Be Kind” like my bracelet said.  Is this your gate?  She snapped, “yes it is”.  Oh she didn’t have a bracelet.  She did not know it was Be Kind day.

Me:  “Really, are you sure?  It looks like you are still deciding.  This is the one I had my heart set on.  It is the only one that will work for my puppy’s.  (smile, chuckle a little) this gate is the only way I am going to get any rest and I am so tired”

Bitch: “I am buying them ALL”

Bitch #2: ” I will go get you a cart”

Me: ( a little surge of adrenaline hit me, oh it’s on) “Really cause it looks like you are still trying to decide”  “How about I wait here and if you don’t buy that one I will take it”  to bitch 2, “that is my cart”

Bitch 2:  ” I WASN’T going to take it”  Leaves in a huff.  Really cause you had your hands on it.

I stood there in the aisle.  I was in the “gate section”, otherwise known as their space.  Bitch 1 kept glaring at me.  Bitch 2 was very uncomfortable.

Hag 1:  ” I am taking all of these, you don’t have to wait”

Me:  “That is okay, I am just going to take a rest on this nice blue couch, maybe I will get lucky”  This is when I start typing in my group friend’s chat.  I tell them about the situation.  At this point I notice there are three gates laying on the shelf.  Not out where she was comparing the other 4 and my gate.  Well I have to have a gate.  So I invaded her space and grabbed all three, put them in my cart and then sat back on the blue couch to wait them out.

I had heard Ho 1 say that maybe the short ones would be better because it would match the ones she already has.  She must have a small dog.  Probably an ugly Rat Terrier or one of those hairless things.  It probably can’t even do “sit”.  So this is when I realize that I am moving away from the messages on my bracelet.

Ho 1 and Ho 2 whisper and load the remaining gates into their cart, I hear that they are going to take them over behind the framed art rows so they can lay them out and get a better look.  Clearly I was making them uncomfortable.  Good.

This is when my wheels really start turning.  I realized that she was full of shit, she wasn’t buying all of those, and she was not going to choose my gate.  She just didn’t want me to have it.  Wow, I think, that is not very kind or nice.  I truly believe that she is going to take that gate and dump it on another aisle, probably bedding or framed art and hide it.  Do you know how I know?  Because a friend and me would do the exact same thing.  At that moment as that thought rolled around in my head, I looked at my messenger app, there it said “well we would do the same thing”.  Jinx!

I was ready to admit defeat and see which one of the three I had would work.  Compared to my gate they were ugly.  I was so upset.  I went and picked a couple of dog toys to soothe myself.  There I see another low gate half hidden by toys.  Won’t work for me but pretty.  My messenger app was hopping like it was a party.  “You are not allowed to leave that store without that gate”  ” get the gate”  ” don’t let that bitch take your gate”  It seriously was like the cartoons where the angel sits on one shoulder and the devil on the other.  The angel says just get the ugly one and go home now while an hour has not past.  The therapist said that Henry needed us to be consistent and available.  I looked at my pound sign be like Hayley bracelet.  “Be Kind” too late I was already calling them names in my head.  “Be Real” okay I am going to do me.  I am smart.  I am going to Outwit, Outplay, Outlast these two assholes.  I wish I had a partner in crime, but I don’t, I am going to have to go it alone.

I am a Survivor fan, never missed an episode.  Hayley and I always watched it together.  Sometimes I caved and watched and she would find out.  She was scary when pissed.  This is the only show I watch every week.  Now I watch it with my cousin Sandy.  She lives in Vegas.  We record it and that night start it at the same time synching them up.  We let the commercials run so we can discuss what we saw on messenger.  She will be here next week and we can watch it in the same room!   So this felt sort of like a contestant looking for the idol.  You have to look like you are not looking for the idol.  So I am on the hunt for the gate.  I truly believe there is no way they were still in the store, we were approaching the end of hour one.  I was convinced that gate/idol was on one of the aisles.  I start on the right side of the store in the framed art.  I am hunting for my gate while I appear I am browsing the inspirational sayings art.  Oh look, a Winnie the Pooh quote, “you are braver than you think…”  Mind wanders, who was that directed at?  Must have been Piglet.  He was annoying.  Phone vibrates.  “Do you have the gate?”  “no”

“Dawn step up your game.  You and I both know they dumped that gate.  Find it”

” But I have to get home, I have been gone an hour and a half.”

“It is good for him to take care of the puppy.  Find your gate”

I move slowly towards sheets and towels.  I pick up a pack, discard it as if it was not the right size.  I circle to the other back corner.  Office supplies.  There are the pink metal desk sets Hayley and I got for her dorm desk.  Remember when she and I were here a year ago looking for the exact right things for her dorm room.  I was obsessed with it being perfect.  I was totally disappointed that her roommate did not want to match bedding.  Now I am crying in the back corner.  Trying to conceal it.  Through the haze of tears I spot the suspects with their gray roots showing.  They were browsing the dishes, holiday ones.  Good play.  That will waste a lot of time and look good.  She still has 5 gates in her cart.  I see mine.  I “happen” to cross their path.  “Oh Hi, you are still here.  Are you still planning on buying that gate?” “Really?  Oh darn, I will make do with these.  Hey I saw another one hidden on the toy aisle it is gray blue like the one you have there in the cart.”   I saw her eyes light up but she plays it cool.  I see my bracelet “Be funny”.  “Yeah, I bet someone hid it there so they could go home and measure and then come back for it.  Funny huh?”  Insert awkward laugh.  Okay, it was kind of funny.

I head towards the front of the store like I am heading to the cashier.  But I detour and find a comfy chair near the exit where I can observe the check out line.  I needed to see what was in that cart.  If my gate is not there then I know I need to stay and hunt it down.  If it is in the cart I must gracefully accept defeat.  I see my marks enter the line, but damnit, I can’t see their cart.  I am just going to have to “Be Real” and just go get in line and look.  About this time I see Hag 1 walking towards me carrying my gate!!!!  She is holding it on the side I was sitting so she didn’t see me.  She looked so smug.  I let her get past my chair.  I dramatically turn in my seat, “oh hey, are you not getting that gate!”.  I have never seen someone so obviously flustered.  She recovered quickly and with narrowed eyes said “Wow, I am so glad you are still here.  I was hoping I would find you”  Uh huh. “I am getting that blue gate you told me about”

“Terrific, hooray for us we are both happy, I am so glad I could find that for you”.        I take the gate from her, damn it is heavy.  I add it to my three other gates.  I head back towards the pet section where I put back the three I was hoarding. I head to the check out.  Shit, there they are at Cashier number one.  “ding, Cashier two is ready”.  I head down that way as they are moving towards the door.  Guess how many gates are in their cart?  ONE, just ONE fucking gate.  I am buying them all; Bullshit.  I can’t believe we were right, they were doing exactly what I thought they were and on top of that they ditched the other gates somewhere in the store!  Wow.  I was sort of impressed.

I head out with my prize and there they are in separate cars parked in the adjacent spots from me.  I know they notice I only have one gate in my cart.  I see that their mouths are gaping, one has her hands on her hips.  I load my gate with a flourish and climb into my Explorer and message “mission accomplished, I am the sole survivor”.  I made a little victory fist in my car as I drove off.

I get home and set it up.  An angry Henry says you were gone two hours!  Sorry Henry I had an adventure, I start to tell him the story because I would be on the phone to Hayley immediately to tell her how badly her mother behaved.  I think I got two sentences in and Henry said “Mom I really don’t care”, as he looks at the price sticker.  You spent a hundred bucks on this!  Yep and I bet you will all be thanking me in a couple of days.  But don’t tell dad, get the sticker off.  Scott walks in, “What is that?”  “Our Sanity” I say.  Henry says “Mom spent 100 bucks on it”.  Traitor.

Three days later as Scott and I relax in our reclining sectional, watching the puppy play with water bottles in his giant play pen.  Scott says, “I love that gate”   Me too.  Me too.