Be Fun. Be Free. Be Fucking Awesome. Lighten Up!

The three F’s, Fun, Free, & Fucking awesome.  This is going to be my motto this week.  A friend and lived the motto well Saturday.  We wanted to go to the big Bath and Body Candle sale.  It was a rough week.  My stomach was not my friend the last few days.  I finally felt better today.  Just tired from a rough night and sore from a Fibromyalgia Flare up, see more F’s.  I will talk about the Fibro another time.  Recently I had a little fun with the ornaments at Target as Hayley and I would have done together.  I was quickly matched by a friend the next night.  Friday my evening did not go as planned.  After leaving late due to the above gastro issues and falling asleep, I missed my niece’s basketball game.  I could not get there in time thanks to some traffic and accidents caused by idiots that seem to forget how to drive when it rains.  I decided after aborting plans that I needed to pick up a few necessities at Costco.  Imodium, Tums, and my Christmas present  to myself, a point and shoot camera.  Immediately I was met and slapped in the face with the Gingerbread House Kits right at the entrance.  Each year I bought two.  The kids would have a contest with Scott and I as the judges.  Each year Hayley would lose patience about halfway through and start drawing stuff with the icing.  Last year’s work of art had penises on the roof and other places.  Needless to say, Henry won.  I started crying immediately.  Just big silent tears rolling down my face.  I worked my way to the cameras and had a great employee help me out.  Two aisles away another amazing Hayley and Mom opportunity for Fun.  They had mermaid pillows!  These are sequin pillows that you rub and they change colors.  Shortly before her surgery we tried to spell a fun message out of pillows on a shelf in Bed Bath and Beyond.  We kept being interrupted by an employee.  Our giggles got loud and we didn’t accomplish our goal so we spent 45 minutes sitting in the massage testing chairs.  We talked and caught up about Spring quarter.

Right as I turned down that aisle I got a text from my Target ornament friend and she provided me with a message from a Target in Utah!  Lol, Hayley has inspired Fun, Free and Fucking Awesome behavior in more than one state. This picture inspired me to do the same with the mermaid pillows.  But these suckers are kid magnets and I swear, there were a hundred kids there on a Friday night, mostly unsupervised.  They kept interrupting my hi-jinks.  Finally I accomplished my goal!  I had been caught and I just smiled and waved.  Get this; the young couple looked disgusted and she, being deaf, signed  word “ass” so I know they were talking about me.  Whatever that was funny shit.

 

One of the things that this tragedy has taught me is that honestly I don’t give a shit what people think of me.  I have always found being an extrovert came naturally.  I have faced my worse nightmare.  If I want to giggle, swear or have some fun when out and about; and you don’t like it….that is YOUR problem not mine.  These moments of levity are rare right now.  So when it happens it is both draining and at the same time makes me feel closer to Hayley.  Hayley would have climbed into that mermaid pillow bin and wrote an entire sentence while I was the look out.  I also got odd looks as I sat in a red Barcalounger at the end of the wine aisle playing with my new mermaid pillow.  I was tucked under the shelves and needed that break before I hauled my tired ass to the check out.  But why do we judge people.  We should admire people that seem to be having fun or doing their own thing.  If they are not hurting anyone or doing something illegal, who cares.  Smile.

So today we had lunch while I waited for Scott to bring my forgotten wallet down to us in Issaquah.  Yes, he did, amazing huh?  I did reward him with a to go order.  While we ate, my friend and I discussed how the holidays were kicking my ass.  I was dreading trying to be normal.  She came up with a brilliant solution to the Christmas tree dilemma.  I was not looking forward to trimming the tree with all of our sentimental ornaments.  Each one told a story of a trip or a memorable occasion.  One from all the zoo trips on Christmas Eve.  A Mickey Mouse from her first trip at 4.  A Sand dollar from Scott and I’s first trip as a couple, it says 1990 on it.  The one that says “we are pregnant 8/31/1997”  My lunch date also pointed out the damage a 3 month old puppy could do to my precious ornaments.  Those ornaments are my most valuable possessions.  I love every one of my decorations.  They all tell a story and they all involve Hayley.  My friend’s brilliant idea.  Don’t even open the box.  Pick a theme, buy new ornaments, and have a new tree!  One that can be moved to another room next year when we are strong enough to bring back traditions and open that box of precious memories.  It felt extravagant to do something like trim an entire tree.

We went to Target,  it seemed like this was the last weekend before Christmas.  People were going nuts and so cranky.  We chose blue and silver.  Navy blue to match her cause bracelets and WWU colors.  We planned to make some ornaments that look like the Hayley glassy baby.  As we were leaving I ran into someone special.  Scott’s manager and someone I have worked with before.  I have known him nearly 15 years.  I had great hugs and mocked his WSU Cougar gear.  We talked about Scott’s first month back and then headed for the candles.  I was able to catch his wife, hug her and thank her for some really nice and generous care she gave me.  She warned us about the candle sale.

I actually parked my cart in the store and went at it.  Scott loves their three wick candles.  He likes to have one lit most of the time.  With four dogs it is a very good idea.  I love buying them and he loves using them.  Win/Win.  It was a mad house.  I tried to make people smile.  I call it flirting, not like with a man, but just comments to other women, engaging them in a conversation or helping them find the candle they wanted.  For a short time I felt like me again. I convinced one lady to smell the most nasty one ever, Summer Boardwalk.  I double dog dare you to go in and take a big whiff of that one.

This is my happy place.  I could spend hours in that store.  I love lotion and shower gel.  Even Henry is hooked on his Black Chamomile and Lavendar body wash.  Everyone in the house loves it.  It comes and go like an elusive rare bird so when they have it I stock up!  I love that my family likes candles and smelly soaps.  I was in the long line and when I got up there my 10 candles were behind the counter.  I felt that I had been in a frenzy and needed to re-smell them all just to make sure I was satisfied with my purchases.  Honestly the poor checker was so slow and obviously flustered by the insanity.  Candles were even sold out online.  I think some of those bitches would have cut someone for the Balsam Candle.  At this time my friend saunters up and says straight faced “excuse me ma’am but you are holding up the line”  I responded loudly “you know what, go fuck yourself”.  I had no filter.  I usually have a pretty flimsy one to start with, but the filter was non existent this night.  The poor cashier was like ‘blink, blink’ with no smile at all.  I explained that was my friend.  Still no smile.  Really?  That was funny shit.  I did monopolize the cashier for a long time so I headed towards my friend three back in the line.  Again she says something like “You took long enough, did you have to smell them all geez”.  I responded with “kiss my ass” loudly to the dismay of the mother and her 7 year old right behind us.  Crap!  I apologized profusely, the woman gave me nothing, no response, no words, no smile.  She put one hand over her daughter’s right ear.  WTF, can she not hear me curse out of the left ear.  The 7 year old actually cracked a smile and I saw in her eyes that her mom clearly has used the word ‘Ass’ in front of her before.   

I went and borrowed a little stool and sat next to my cart to wait.  I looked like a homeless person trying to stay warm and smell good.  My friend unbeknownst to me took a photo.  Not only is my weight gain horribly noticeable but I had not showered, I was sweating profusely and exhausted from trying to get some fucking smiles.  Seriously we were hilarious but only the two of us thought so.  Whatever.

We moved on to Homegoods which also was a Cluster.  It was so much fun to pick new ornaments and decorations for my beach theme tree.  The tree skirt is stunning.  Hayley and I loved the ocean, the beach, the bay, any kind of water.  Some of our best memories were on the two major sailing trips with my parents on the east coast.  We didn’t need to be on the water but near it is absolutely required for us.  I need it like I need air.  Hayley felt the same way.  Our first tattoo in August was going to be a minimalist wave on our ankles.

Speaking of ankles I came home exhausted, drained, salty, sweaty and my bad ankle looked like an elephant foot.  I lost it on Henry and had to apologize later and ask if he knew what PMS meant.  So the moral of the story.  If you see someone having fun even if it involves swearing, number one it is probably me and number two, smile.  It will make you feel better.  It is science.  Stop judging. Guess what the gender was of everyone I saw judging our shenanigans?  Yep Female!  Women are assholes to other women.  I am so over it and willing to be vocal about it.  It was Women that caused me to lose my job.  I may need bail money eventually!

It is time for women to stop the judging.  Be Fun.  Be Free.  Be Fucking awesome.  We pushed babies out of our bodies after growing them inside of us for 40 weeks.  We survive raising them.  In my case we watch in horror as they leave us.  We are fucking bad ass.  I have been so blessed with women reaching out with messages of support, cards, food, treats, calls, offers to clean my house, or anything I need.  It has been so humbling, almost embarrassing.  But I am getting better at accepting this support without criticizing myself.  Remember Women judging Women also implies to negative self talk for us.

So next time you are in line for candles.  Lighten UP!  Cause YOU ARE STANDING IN LINE TO BUY WONDERFUL SMELLING CANDLES!  I hate to play the Hayley card but guess what, my daughter is dead.  What do you have to frown about.  What are you teaching your kids.  If I can have fun in a madhouse candle sale, so can you.  I challenge you to smile at strangers and strike up one conversation with a stranger in the next week.  Tell me about it in the comments section.  It can be as simple as helping them find the right scent at a candle sale.