Arizona Lampoon Vacation – Day 1.1

“This is no longer a vacation.  It’s a Quest.  It’s a Quest for fun.  You’re gonna have fun, and I’m gonna have fun…We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun we’re gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You’ll be whistling “Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah” out of your assholes! I must be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!” – Clark

My favorite line from National Lampoon Vacation.  This was going through my head as I was squished in a middle seat between a nice, but larger than me gal and a tiny little dude with a puffy Patagonia coat and his shoes off.  I was sweating my ass off, wtf?  I had spent the night packing for all three of us, knowing I forgot everything and trying to pack on a carry on items for 70 degrees and 34 degrees.  I didn’t get my house cleaned up, it is a disaster left for the wonderful dog sitter.  This guilt was weighing me down, Scott was annoyed about it.  I think he thinks I do nothing all day.  I watch the puppy and cry, this is a big job.

I got into the seat and literally could not move, could not get any entertainment options out of my bag.  I was faced with reading all the materials in the back of the seat pocket.  I also located the barf bag and got it handy.  Not because I had to barf, but I always do that to freak out my seat mates and maybe gain me some more distances as they shrink away from my perceived germs.  I had had a bloody nose earlier in the day so I needed to get my little Kleenex packet out of my pant’s pocket.  Yes the little packets my mother carries in her purse.  Sigh.  I tried so hard to get it out without elbowing her in the boob, all while touching her ample cheeks and no go.  She offered to help me and asked; is it in the front pocket.  I hesitated and thought to myself, I am sweating my ass off so probably don’t smell my best and so would blood all over the front of me be the deal breaker.  When you travel on Buddy Passes your behavior reflects on the employee, my sister in law in this case.  So yeah, do you mind?  She reaches into my front pocket and I was realizing that as Clark said “I must be crazy”.  I was just so thankful my brother across the aisle in the other middle seat was not paying attention with his lovely headphones on.  I apologized for the fact that we were basically sharing two seats and we needed three.  I thought she said “That’s okay, I have five kids so I am used to not having personal space”.  I was shocked as she didn’t look that old but who knows.  I said “Wow, five, I bet you get no privacy when you go to the bathroom”.  I groaned internally, ugh, Dawn, she just had her hand in your jogger pants pocket, did you have to mention privacy.  She then proceeded to tell me about how her dog and cat don’t let her go to the bathroom alone, the story was in great detail.  I was very confused.  You have five kids and you are concerned about the dog watching you pee?  Of course she showed me pictures of the pets.  I told her I had 4, she kind of stopped talking to me after that.  I could hear her saying in her head “crazy dog lady”.  It was not until later that I realized she had said she was one of five kids growing up.  My hearing is going, add it to the other middle age woes.

So for weeks we have been “discussing” what to do for the Holiday season.  I had been told by many that the first Holidays are awful.  I always responded in my head, in my snarky voice, how can it possible be more awful than it is right now?  Well guess what boys and girls, it can get worse and it has gotten worse.  All I know is I need this last two weeks of this shitty year to go by as fast as possible.  We have had discussions in therapy about it.  Here is what each person thinks of going on a vacation when I brought it up.

Me – I want to go to D.C., neither of the boys have been, hotels are cheap this time of year and it is not crowded because it is cold.  I don’t care.  I prefer bundling up, over crowds.  But we are going somewhere and we are going to fucking bond as a three person family.  Another first that needs the bandaid ripped off.  It is going to be a fucking “Quest for Fun”.  If we are not home on Christmas all the better.  Why stare at each other the morning of Christmas wondering which of the kids will find the green frog that indicates who opens the first present.  Will we leave her stocking empty?  Do we still go to the zoo?

Scott – How much will it cost? You don’t have a job.  It is important to me we are home Christmas day.  I don’t want to be cold.  I want to go somewhere warm.  But when you ask me I can’t tell you where and I clearly don’t understand how long it takes to plan a vacation.  It can not be done the week before.  It is more expensive if you wait.

Henry – I don’t want to go any where.  I want to stay home.  I don’t want to waste half my Christmas break on vacation.  (“With you guys” was implied)

The Dogs – What is a vacation? Who will feed us?

I was losing my mind.  My wonderful sister in law had offered us buddy passes for our airfare.  Which means you have to be flexible.  If it was Hayley I could convince her to go to the airport with me and we pick a flight to anywhere we could go with open seats.  The boys, flexibility and spontaneity is not a strong part of their personalities.  Going with the flow, not a quote in their vocabulary.  I felt so lonely without my half of the family.  So yes I was feeling crazy and almost ready to give up the Quest.

I suggested Arizona and got a less than enthusiastic “maybe”.  So I reached out to my Facebook community asking for suggestions of where to go.  That is when my wonderful BFF from Junior High offered to add me to his friends and family for Hilton, half off hotels.  I started to feel hopeful with all this generosity we could make it happen.  I made it happen and ironically it didn’t all come together until the week before.  So Friday the 15th we left Seattle and flew to Phoenix arriving near midnight.  The plan is stay near the airport Friday night or what was left of it.  Two rooms near the airport, one for Kevin and Henry and one for Scott and I.  Top Golf was on the itinerary.

This reminds me that I really struggle with the generosity we have received.  The Go Fund Me Account gave both Scott and I the chance to be home where we needed to be for 12 weeks.  The list of kindness is so long and deserves to be its own discussion.  This is the Arizona Lampoon Vacation Journal.

So back to Day One.  We were arriving in Arizona at midnight their time.  I had to explain to both boys that it was 11 to us.  My brother and I wanted to rally and go to Top Golf which is this amazing place.  Golf driving range on crack.  I was still wedged in my middle seat.  I had bought the last two cheese platters, one for me and please flight attendant can you bring the other to my son in row 16.  Visions of Henry hungry, wedged and uncomfortable made me decide to go for a walk to check on him and try to keep myself from getting a second DVT.  Tiny dude with stinky feet and no shoes would not get up.  He thought that I could squeeze by him if he turned his legs sideways.  I desperately pondered should I face him and appear that I was straddling him.  With his size and my girth this would put my privates directly in his face and I knew that I would not keep my balance with my stiff legs.  I could turn the other way and pull on blondie’s seat and have my sweaty ass in little dude’s face.  Appealing but now I realize that he has left his shoes, I note abnormally large for his size, in the aisle.  I said politely “Unless you want me to trip please move your SHOES”.  He finally gets the hint and gets out of the seat.  I hope the thought of going to the potty makes him need to go so I can pull my bag out and get my phone charger so I can get on it and stop trying to cop glimpses of the vampire show my gal friend was watching on her iPad.  I did share my cheese plate with her.  I figured that was the right thing to do since she had had her hand in my pocket.  I tried not to land in someone’s lap as I stiffly walked back towards my husband and son.  I was hoping it was not horrible for them too, or I would hear about it.  BOTH were in exit rows.  You know, with extra leg room.  You have to be kidding me.  I asked Henry if he enjoyed his platter and offered to take his garbage.  Three other travelers in the area also handed me their garbage.  Are you fucking kidding me.  Then the cart has blocked my path by two rows.  They suggest I go to First Class.  So balancing garbage and empty glasses I try not to fall as the plane bounces around.  I make it up front and into the head.  Where I DO NOT pee.  I sat on the closed lid to take a rest.  I stayed for a reasonable amount of time wondering what possessed Boeing to put mirrors on all sides so that you can enjoy how shitty you really look traveling.  As I stared at my PMS acne, bags under my eyes, and all the new gray hair; I realized we should have stayed home.  I cried for Hayley.  I could hear all her smart ass comments.  I should have gone on vacation alone.  I should have taken one of the dogs.  What the fuck was I thinking.  “I’m Crazy. Praise Red Rocks and 64 degrees!  Holy Shit” — Dawn